EPISODE 319: You’ll Spend Anything on Your Kids But Won’t Invest in the One Thing They Actually Need From You

00:00:00:00 - 00:00:27:14
Lisa
Welcome to the Full Frontal Living Podcast. I'm Lisa Carpenter, master life Coach, two driven, ambitious humans who want more out of life without having to sacrifice themselves to achieve it. I'll share how it's possible to slow down, take better care of yourself, find more peace and ease, pressure to sustainable energy, stop procrastination and overwhelm and fall in love with your life, your business, and your body.

00:00:27:16 - 00:00:45:24
Lisa
This podcast is for you. If you're ready to learn what it takes to thrive as a high performer, do less but achieve more. Make you and your well-being a top priority and create your extraordinaire free life. I'm so glad you're here.

00:00:45:24 - 00:01:09:15
Lisa
thanks for tuning in for another episode of the Full Frontal Living Podcast. And today is a really personal episode and just something that's been going on in my life that I wanted to share. I often go into Instagram stories and and talk a lot about these things, and I realize that I'm really missing sharing these stories on the podcast for all of you listeners who show up here who maybe aren't on social media.

00:01:09:17 - 00:01:39:15
Lisa
So today I wanted to talk about healing generational trauma. And I know this may be a topic that you've heard about or not heard about if you've been in the self-development industry. We talk a lot about how when we change our patterns today, how we can change that for generations to come. But I wanted to give you a really practical example of what this looks like, and I was sharing this with a few clients this week, and again, I thought it would be important to just come on the podcast and riff about it.

00:01:39:15 - 00:02:05:02
Lisa
So I don't have any notes today. I'm just going to talk off the cuff and I trust that you are going to hear what you need to hear. So over the past couple of years, myself, my partner, we've been on a very deep dive in terms of our own personal growth. Some massive things happened in our lives and it really put us in a position of either walking away or choosing to go deeper within ourselves.

00:02:05:03 - 00:02:29:25
Lisa
Now, when anything happens in your life, good, bad or ugly, nothing happens that you are not an energetic match for. So I know it's easy to blame other people as to, you know, they're the reason that I'm feeling this way or they're the reason that it happened. And I'm not taking responsibility away from the person who caused the pain or the damage or whatever.

00:02:29:27 - 00:02:59:12
Lisa
But in every relationship you are in, you are there because you are a match. So people's wounds match each other, and when something happens, it truly is a doorway or a gateway into what's there for you. So when my life blew up in 2023, I was saying to one of my coaches today, the biggest difference for me was instead of pointing fingers and blaming, which there was blame, there was a lot of hurt.

00:02:59:15 - 00:03:25:00
Lisa
I stepped into where I'm like, What in me was a match for this. And that is the level of personal responsibility. So many of you are not willing to work at. But this is the place that I operate from. This is the place that I invite my clients in to. So it's been a few years now and I believe that we are always given opportunities to see how far we've come.

00:03:25:00 - 00:03:48:16
Lisa
And this past week has provided more opportunities than I probably would have liked, but a lot of opportunities nonetheless to step back and say, Wow, like look at how much has changed. So I'm going to share a story of of what happened with my son Jake. And I'm going to briefly touch on what happened with one of my older kids without getting into all the details.

00:03:48:19 - 00:04:08:24
Lisa
But, Jake, this week, who is 14 now, can't believe my baby is now 14, went out fishing with his dad. And as 14 year olds do, they don't kids just don't think ahead. We're adults. We've developed the skill to kind of go, okay, if I do this, then this is probably going to happen or maybe this will happen.

00:04:08:27 - 00:04:32:14
Lisa
We can think ahead, whereas kids often don't. And Jake just recently got a phone, so we managed to hold out on the phone until when did he get it? Only a couple of months ago. I think the phone is only two years old or sorry, two months old. And when when we finally got him a phone, Jake was in tears about it because he was so grateful.

00:04:32:14 - 00:04:50:25
Lisa
He was so overwhelmed that we had finally bought him a phone because it was time for him to be able to connect with his friends. He had been using an Apple Watch up to that point and we wanted to know that he was going to be in a good space emotionally. I think a lot of kids get onto phones way too early and it impacts how they see the world.

00:04:50:25 - 00:05:08:08
Lisa
Like that's just the reality of it. So this was a choice we made as a family. So he was really overwhelmed that he got this phone. So I probably don't need to tell you what happened next. They're down at the dock, they're fishing. The next thing you know, there's a plunk. And my partner immediately knew what had happened.

00:05:08:13 - 00:05:30:20
Lisa
And he just looked at Jake and said, okay. He didn't react. He didn't freak out. He didn't lose his mind. He didn't start yelling, which, you know, back in the day. I mean, if you're a Gen Xer, you know, what would have happened? We would have been met with shame. But that's not what happened. My partner really met him with compassion and said, You know what, buddy?

00:05:30:20 - 00:05:54:21
Lisa
Like, it sucks. And, you know, we're just going to have to figure out where we go from here because we're not taking away the responsibility that Jake has to take care of his staff. But also, we have learned that when you meet people with compassion, you teach them how to be compassionate with themselves. And Jake was already in a space of not feeling good about himself.

00:05:54:21 - 00:06:26:11
Lisa
He just dropped his phone into the river. Now, if we had gone back six months or even a year ago, that is not how my partner would have reacted. He would have yelled and screamed and Jake would have felt bad and it just would have been a horrible scene. Anyways, to shorten the story, you know, Jake came home and what I noticed is he immediately went for the TV and put his headphones on and I went down and sat with him and said, okay, we're not doing this because I recognize that in the moment what he was trying to do was get away from his feelings.

00:06:26:11 - 00:06:55:11
Lisa
He was feeling really bad. He was feeling shameful. He was feeling sad. I mean, as an adult, imagine losing your phone and how that would feel and then multiply that by ten when you're a teenager and that is literally your lifeline to your people. He'd just come back from camp. He made a bunch of new friends. So I sat with him and I allowed him to be present with his emotions by asking him questions and inviting him into what he might be feeling.

00:06:55:11 - 00:07:17:26
Lisa
Now, I can't assume what he's feeling. I don't know what he's experiencing, but knowing that most kids really struggle with emotional fluency and we as parents get to model that to him. I just started saying, Wow, this, this I've like, this must be so hard for you. You must feel so sad right now. And I bet you might even feel like really bad.

00:07:17:26 - 00:07:39:02
Lisa
Like, how could you have dropped your phone in the river? And to which he met me with the response of, Yeah, that is how I'm feeling. And I just said, you know, Jake, it's it's okay. And it's it's horrible what happened. And I feel really I feel really bad for you. I feel really bad for you. I feel really sad that this happened.

00:07:39:04 - 00:08:02:00
Lisa
And I gave him a really big hug and just sat with him, didn't get mad at him, didn't get into like, well, now we're going to have to figure out what we're going to do about your phone and none of that. I didn't need to shame him because he was already shaming himself. He already felt bad himself. He didn't need me to feel worse.

00:08:02:02 - 00:08:25:10
Lisa
And I want you to consider how you're meeting your kids when something goes wrong. Are you meeting them with compassion? Are you meeting with them with compassion and love? Again, it doesn't mean that there aren't lessons in there and hard conversations to have. But in the moment, how are you meeting them? And we can only meet our kids with compassion when we have learned how to meet ourselves with compassion.

00:08:25:12 - 00:08:55:05
Lisa
So when we're talking about things like generational trauma and how do we heal generational trauma? I've always been confused by this because I've always thought, well, the things that I did when I was a mom, when my older boys were young, I can't go back in time and be a different person than I am. So back in the day when my first two were young, I was really like what I call a dragon mommy.

00:08:55:09 - 00:09:15:17
Lisa
I yelled all the time. I had not done any self-development work and I literally believed that if they could just behave, if they could just listen to what I said that then I would feel okay. And the truth was I constantly felt like I was trying to control everything and I couldn't control them because kids aren't meant to be controlled.

00:09:15:19 - 00:09:35:06
Lisa
So there are things that I said and did as a as a mom when my kids were young that I'm not proud of, that I've had to. I didn't have to, but I've chosen to step into responsibility for. I've had conversations with my kids about it, and I've even joked that, you know, when they get older and they need therapy, I will support them with that.

00:09:35:08 - 00:09:56:07
Lisa
In which case one child is actually now going to therapy to start work on some of the stuff that has come up for him. And I'm really proud of him for that. I'm really proud that I've created the environment where my kids know that it's okay for them to reach out and get help and that they understand that there's parts of themselves that they don't know yet that they haven't met.

00:09:56:09 - 00:10:20:01
Lisa
But their lives can be better if they're willing to do that work. So going back to, you know, how do we how do we end this generational trauma if we've already done the damage? So I can do the work now, But how is that going to impact my kids? And that's what this episode is about, is in how we responded to Jake.

00:10:20:03 - 00:10:41:02
Lisa
That's going to change the imprint that's made on him moving forward. It doesn't mean we're raising a perfect child who isn't going to have his own security insecurities and stories that he's telling himself. We all do. Some of them come from parents, some come from peers, some from social media teachers like you name it. We cannot raise perfect humans.

00:10:41:02 - 00:11:08:01
Lisa
It's not about that. But it is about looking at how can we show up differently, which then leads to the invitation for our children to see the world differently. So in the case of my older son, some things have happened in his life, and because of the work that I've done, I've been able to invite him into this space to look at what he can do different.

00:11:08:03 - 00:11:46:05
Lisa
Now, at 25, he's 25. I don't know about you, but at 25 I was not thinking about going to therapy. Therapy was not even a thing back then. Or, you know, you are a crazy person. If you were going to therapy. But for my son now to be saying, yeah, I would like to talk to someone, I do want to understand myself better, I was thinking about how all the work that I've done on myself and our family has done between me and my partner, because we're able to have different conversations with our kids and allow them to see that the world can be different and how they think and feel about themselves can be

00:11:46:05 - 00:12:12:26
Lisa
different, and that the stories they're telling themselves are not the truth. I just think like, Oh, it's not so I'm not the one actually, how do I put this my children? Because they're going to approach the world differently now because they're going to get the support that they need at an earlier age to start working through some of these things that created such massive hiccups for me.

00:12:12:26 - 00:12:37:12
Lisa
For instance, like perfectionism control the amount of anxiety that I had all the time. The overthinking. I just think like, wow, what an amazing human he's going to be when he decides to become a husband and a father. And, you know, following in his career, he's going to be raising his kids completely differently than how I raise my kids.

00:12:37:14 - 00:13:04:06
Lisa
So although I wasn't out of that drag and mommy stage and they're going to have their own wounds and like I said, even his kids are not going to be perfect. But some of the major things that have been carried from generation to generation to generation are going to end. And I'm sharing this with you because so often the men and women that I work with often struggle to get across the line of investing in themselves.

00:13:04:06 - 00:13:31:20
Lisa
Because the work that I do is deep. It's profound, it is life changing, and it comes at a cost, time, energy and financially. And oftentimes people really struggle with making that investment, yet they would never hesitate to make that type of investment in one of their children if it meant their children would be. Well, but they're not willing to invest into themselves to make themselves well.

00:13:31:22 - 00:13:58:04
Lisa
And what I want you to know is when you invest in yourself to do this work, to become a better person, to know yourself better, to understand how the world works, you are investing in your children and you're investing in your children's children because how you show up and interact with them, how you choose to parent with them, how you're able to be that safe space for them when they're young and when they're old.

00:13:58:06 - 00:14:25:02
Lisa
For all the things that I didn't do really well, I did a lot more like so, right. And I'm so proud of that. So my kids know that I'm a safe spot if something happens in their life. They have come and talked to me about the most vulnerable things, whether they're 14 or 25. And that matters to me.

00:14:25:06 - 00:14:44:08
Lisa
That matters to me that I have created that environment where they can open up and be honest and be real about who they are and know that they're not going to be met with judgment. They're always going to be met with compassion, which again, invites them to learn how to be compassionate with themselves. But we can only take people as deep as we can go within ourselves.

00:14:44:08 - 00:15:07:22
Lisa
So how can you show your kids deep compassion if you don't know how to give yourself compassion? How can you give yourself how can you give your kids grace if you don't know how to give yourself grace? How can you be deeply connected with your children if you don't know how to deeply connect with yourself? How can you understand their wants and needs if you don't understand your own?

00:15:07:24 - 00:15:37:01
Lisa
So in doing this work, you open up so much possibility, not just for your own healing, but for the conversations you're going to be able to initiate and hold space for in your children and the growth that you will see in them, even if they never go to therapy, is profound. Now, what fascinates me and this happens a lot is parents will say, well, why don't my kids open up to me?

00:15:37:03 - 00:15:58:16
Lisa
Why don't my kids come and talk to me like the way your kids talk to you? If you have not created an environment of emotional safety. And emotional safety means that you are regulated, right? You're not losing your shit all the time, that you are an emotionally and physically safe space for them and that you lead that way.

00:15:58:19 - 00:16:27:11
Lisa
So you cannot ask your kids to open up to you if you're not willing to open up to them. So if you are holding yourself on the parental pedestal, expecting your kids to respect you and open up to you, but you're not opening up to them, you get to lead and the choices that you make in that relationship, how you open up, how you're vulnerable with your kids, will determine how open and vulnerable they'll be with you.

00:16:27:13 - 00:16:48:09
Lisa
So if you're wondering why your kids aren't sharing with you when they're struggling, do you share with them? When you are struggling, do they see you as human or do they see you as this parental figure? So I'm not saying to pull your kids into all your drama. That's not what we're here for as well. But there is a way to allow your your kids to see you as human.

00:16:48:12 - 00:17:04:23
Lisa
I'm always sharing stories about things that I've gone through or things that I felt are things that I've experienced. I let my kids into the things that were happening in my life. I allowed them to support me instead of hiding it from them and pretending that I was being strong for them, which is so often what parents do.

00:17:04:23 - 00:17:30:13
Lisa
We like we'd be strong for our kids instead of giving our kids the opportunity to be there for us, not to turn into our parents, but to just be there emotionally for us. That opens them up to then open up to you later on when they're going through stuff. So I wanted to bring this on to the podcast because again, we talk about generally healing generational trauma.

00:17:30:15 - 00:17:55:25
Lisa
And this was such an example of, Oh, this is how it works. It's about me healing myself so that I can initiate and open the gateway for my kids to have different conversations with me so that it invites them into their own healing and doing their own work around their own stuff. And most of our kids are going to have stories around feeling not good enough, feeling not lovable.

00:17:55:27 - 00:18:30:29
Lisa
I mean, we all have different, you know, stories. If your kids are struggling with anxiety, anxiety isn't about anxiety. Anxiety is about all the feelings that they don't know how to feel, that they don't know how to be with. Probably because they haven't they don't know what emotional fluency is because no parent is modeling it to them. So even though I got a lot of things wrong when they were young, really, I have found that there has been it doesn't matter because there's still so many years in my kid's life where I can show up as a completely different leader and that is changing them.

00:18:31:01 - 00:18:56:07
Lisa
So this is what it's about. So please remember when you are investing in your own growth, you are also investing in the future of your children because the way you will be able to support them by doing this work is so incredibly profound. So if you can't get off the fence around investing that money in, you consider what it's going to cost you if you don't consider what is going to cost your kids.

00:18:56:07 - 00:19:26:08
Lisa
If you don't, and what kind of relationship do you want with them? What is that worth to you? I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars to do the work on myself because I believe that these were the lessons that were given to me so I can show up as a powerful leader and stand shoulder to shoulder with my clients in some of the most heartbreaking instances in their lives.

00:19:26:10 - 00:19:56:21
Lisa
And I'm just I'm absolutely mind blown now that I'm starting to understand how far this reaches beyond just the client that I'm working with. So that's why I wanted to share that with you. So you'll also be pleased to know let's just wrap it back up with, well, what happened to the phone, Lisa? Because everything is always kind of working out for me in a in a twist of fate, You know, my partner really hurt it when I'm like, God, that's like his connection to the outside world.

00:19:56:21 - 00:20:18:27
Lisa
And that really made him decide, okay, well, I guess I got to go get in the river. So the next day happened to be one of the lowest tides, and he was able to go step off the dock into about five feet of water. He's about six feet ish. Feel around with his foot and retrieve the phone, which was in an OTTERBOX.

00:20:19:00 - 00:20:40:24
Lisa
And of course, it had been in the river for 12 hours. So we took the phone. It was still turned on, were still powered up, it was still receiving messages. We took it out of the case. We put it in a sealed container with some silica gel and a little bit of rice and left it there for two days and, you know, be damned thing is still working.

00:20:40:24 - 00:21:03:03
Lisa
It's still charged. It's I'm not going to say it's good as new. We'll see where it is, you know, in six months from now. But what a powerful what a powerful opportunity to learn. So many lessons for Jake around how to take care of his stuff. And, you know, phones don't float. And also the power of possibility like, you know, phones aren't waterproof.

00:21:03:03 - 00:21:24:02
Lisa
I don't know how it survived 12 hours at the bottom of the river, but it did. And what a powerful opportunity for me and my partner to step back and really see how we've changed as individuals, how we're showing up for our children, how we're holding conversations in such a different way, how we are parenting our children in such a different way from our parents.

00:21:24:02 - 00:21:43:05
Lisa
And that's not to throw shade on our parents. They were doing the best they could with what they knew at the time. But now that we know better, it's up to us to do better and we can shape future generations so that they are more compassionate, they are more kind, not even it's not even about making them more compassionate, kind to other people.

00:21:43:05 - 00:22:13:05
Lisa
It's about teaching them how to be compassionate and kind and loving towards themselves. Because if we continue to live in this place of not good enough and shame because of stories that we were given, experiences that we had, you know, this is this is why these coping mechanisms get passed down from generation to generation to generation. So again, we're not going for perfect kids, but wow, can we have a much more conscious, conscious generations going forward?

00:22:13:05 - 00:22:34:10
Lisa
So on that note, I will I will leave you. I hope that something in my story resonated with you. Again, really consider that this work isn't just about you. It's about the legacy that you want to leave for your kids and how what kind of life you want for them, because you are a part of that even when they're grown adults.

00:22:34:13 - 00:22:40:04
Lisa
So until next time, take care of yourself and I'll catch you on the next episode.