EPISODE 336: The Cost of Being Strong: Why Over-Functioning is Keeping You Exhausted with Alex Snider

00:00:06:29 - 00:00:33:12
Lisa
You built success that looks damn good on the outside, but inside it's costing you your health, your relationships, your energy. And no matter how much you do, it never feels like enough. Welcome to Congruent. I'm Lisa Carpenter, the coach. High performers call when they can afford to burn it all down, but they can't keep living like this either.

00:00:33:14 - 00:00:58:24
Lisa
Here we rip off the mask of success and expose what's real. The patterns that you keep running, the price that you've paid, and how to build success that fuels you instead of empties you. Real success is agency. It's powerful self leadership to run your life instead of being run by it. To let your drive and your well-being finally work together.

00:00:58:27 - 00:01:09:02
Lisa
Because the real win is success. That actually feels good.

00:01:09:05 - 00:01:38:01
Lisa
You're successful. You've built something that matters. Proven yourself over and over. But no matter how much you achieve it, never feels like enough. You're exhausted. Your body won't let you forget it. And you're quietly wondering how much longer you can keep this up. Welcome to congruence. I'm Lisa Carpenter, and this podcast is about what success actually cost you, and what it takes to feel as good on the inside as success looks on the outside.

00:01:38:04 - 00:02:10:25
Lisa
Today's guest is Alex Snyder, founder of Leaders who Build a leadership development company working with founders and executives who are scaling fast but struggling to lead themselves through it. Alex helps her clients integrate strategy with self-awareness so they can grow their businesses without losing themselves in the process. And she knows this work intimately because she's lived it. During Covid, Alex tripled her company in ten months on the outside, she was crushing it, but her back was in constant pain.

00:02:11:02 - 00:02:36:22
Lisa
Her business partner had turned toxic, and her personal relationship was unhealthy. She was over giving in every direction, having emotional reactions that would take her out for days, and her body was physically breaking down from carrying the weight of it all. We talk about what it's like when you realize you're not partnering from abundance. You're seeking people to fill your gaps because you don't believe you're enough on your own.

00:02:36:25 - 00:03:03:10
Lisa
How over functioning for others teaches them to under function. And that moment when you're so capable and strong, but you just want someone to save you, and you hate yourself for even thinking that if you've ever attracted emotionally unavailable people so you could overcompensate by being the caretaker or achieved impressive things, but have still struggled to feel successful.

00:03:03:12 - 00:03:06:03
Lisa
This episode's for you. Let's dive in.

00:03:06:05 - 00:03:30:09
Lisa
Okay Alex, I am so glad that we are doing this. Finally. You and I share a lot of overlap, especially around patterns of over giving, trying to hold it all together and what it actually takes to untangle that. My sister here, and I remember when we were talking, you shared with me that you went through a huge life shift during Covid, a breakup that really changed everything for you.

00:03:30:09 - 00:03:50:11
Lisa
And from the outside, it looks like you rebuilt. Really beautifully. But I know those seasons have a lot of layers underneath, so I wanted to start here. What was that time like for you really? And what was happening behind the scenes while you were trying to keep your life and business afloat while in the middle of a global pandemic?

00:03:50:14 - 00:03:52:27
Lisa
So just a little question to kick us off.

00:03:52:29 - 00:03:57:00
Alex
It was just, oh, we're easing in.

00:03:57:02 - 00:03:59:08
Lisa
We go deep quickly here on congruent.

00:03:59:11 - 00:04:01:22
Alex
I love it. I love it.

00:04:01:25 - 00:04:26:09
Alex
Oh, gosh. Where to start? I mean, I absolutely never want to diminish anyone's experience during Covid, because it was such a wild time for so many people and for myself. It was a real roller coaster. I was on a flight from Indonesia to Canada. The day before the borders closed, not knowing the borders were going to close.

00:04:26:09 - 00:04:49:06
Alex
I actually was finding that out as I stopped in Australia and the US to Canada. I was on that flight because we were about to exit our companies. We had a buyer. We were I was coming home to like, close the deal and run the transaction and sell a business, which is a huge, momentous milestone. And, I landed the borders closed.

00:04:49:06 - 00:05:12:27
Alex
And then, as everyone knows, all kinds of crazy things happen. And then we, you know, no, we weren't selling the company. We weren't sure we had a company. And what ensued for the next year was a really wild ride on the business side with my business partner. Of pivoting and figuring it out and working in very unusual circumstances, remotely and together, being the only people that we saw.

00:05:12:27 - 00:05:53:12
Alex
Me then being back on the other side of the country and out of the country, and we, rebuilt the business, scaled the team, you know, we the short version of the business, I was we tripled the company in ten months and then we sold it, which is amazing. But you can probably imagine what that took. And so that's one component that I'll talk about, that shift, which happened at the same time as I was in an interpersonal relationship that was never really meant to be a relationship, but, you know, both of us had a lot of things, and it was somewhere that I could really, can connect in some ways with, you know,

00:05:53:12 - 00:06:09:07
Alex
what the person was going through in this evolution and trying to change their life and connect with some of their trauma to really help them. And they lost everything, you know, they lost their, they were professional athletes, so they lost their sport. They also lost their job that supported them. And so they ended up kind of staying with me.

00:06:09:07 - 00:06:35:20
Alex
And then trying to go and build a life. But it wasn't going well. And so it was a really unique and, not particularly healthy dynamic. In my personal life. And so the time that you're referring to is about 12 months into Covid, when I had kind of come, I had I had come to the realization that this was a very unhealthy dynamic that wasn't optimal for either.

00:06:35:20 - 00:07:00:23
Alex
And I was really creating an opportunity for me to be a martyr and, you know, parent and psychologist, another, adult in my personal space, we were successfully closing the deal on the business. And the reality is, and I'm very grateful for my co-founder, and I'm very grateful that our friendship survived this period. And it has, and he is a very important person in my life.

00:07:00:23 - 00:07:27:26
Alex
But there was a phase where our dynamic was very unhealthy as well. And in addition to that, what was required from me to support the business was extreme. And, I forget to mention, just before I boarded that flight at the beginning, I tweaked my back. And so I spent those 12 months, tweaked an old injury, and I was going to fit, you know, I was going to osteo.

00:07:27:26 - 00:07:48:21
Alex
I was doing the things, but I just could not get out of pain. And so I was physically the most unhealthy I had been. I was in only really two interpersonal relationships because of Covid, and you weren't really seeing anyone else. And I was I was away from anywhere I had lived. I know community, so I had a romantic and a business partnership.

00:07:48:21 - 00:08:01:01
Alex
And both weren't very were were places that I was just over giving and unable to really even make the space to think about what I wanted other than I want out.

00:08:01:04 - 00:08:02:04
Lisa
Right.

00:08:02:06 - 00:08:26:24
Lisa
What's interesting is around back, right? I believe in the energetics. Our body's always carrying the energetics. Right? And when our backs are out, it really is about all the things we're holding in our lives. Right. And this is what causes it to go out. So I was really curious about what made you realize, like, what was the thing that you were like, wow, these relationships, although I love them, these are these are toxic.

00:08:26:24 - 00:08:49:05
Lisa
And how did you put the focus on your behaviors being toxic versus their behaviors being toxic? Because that's a big thing that that I talk about. My my business, my work with my clients is being responsible for how you're showing up within the dynamics. And waking up to that is, whoa. It is a big deal when you're like, oh, this is a me problem.

00:08:49:07 - 00:09:00:26
Lisa
Yeah. And you're in my life as an invitation for me to look at what's going on for me. So I'd love to hear more about that.

00:09:00:29 - 00:09:24:20
Alex
It's a good question. I think my level of self-awareness then was a lot lower than what it is now, but I'm trying to see if there's a clear way to describe both in one go. I think I realized that I was having these, like, outsized emotional reactions to things and that I wasn't that wasn't familiar to me.

00:09:24:20 - 00:09:54:03
Alex
I was very closed off for most of my life. And so when I opened up a lot more and, you know, opened myself to like, wanting connection and wanting two way connection, not just being there for people, but, you know, having some wants and needs and communicating and, sharing whatever was happening. It opened up emotion, which was hard to handle at first when you're used to just tamping it down forever, actually trying to process it and handle it is tough.

00:09:54:03 - 00:10:22:07
Alex
And it's even tougher if you are spending time with people who cannot support that and can not hold the space for it. So I was having these, like visceral feelings about situations, something that happened, something that was said, you know, the inability to talk something through. And I realized that they were exhausting me, like they were just taking me in my business partnership.

00:10:22:10 - 00:10:40:20
Alex
I realized, like, we would get into something and it would just escalate, and then it would take me out for like a day and a half, which when you're running at the pace that we are running like you cannot afford that. And, I would say it wasn't all that different in the interpersonal and like kind of the romantic relationship.

00:10:40:23 - 00:11:10:03
Alex
I just realized that there was no ability to communicate. And I was having these reactions and realizing that it just meant I, you know, I wasn't in the right place. And I was starting to see the pattern of, you know, just desperately trying to help somebody else out of so much empathy and so much compassion, but also out of growing up with a lot of, you know, achievement and value based self-worth.

00:11:10:05 - 00:11:44:00
Alex
And if you just help, you know, I went from, like, not needing anyone to love me to, oh, well, if I'm just like helpful and valuable enough, then you know, they'll love and choose me, whether that's in romance or elsewhere. And that really led me to go from being hyper independent to putting everyone else first. And so I think as I started having these outsized reactions, I just had the clarity that like one, this is not optimal, right?

00:11:44:00 - 00:12:24:06
Alex
Like even if I don't know exactly what's going on, like, this is not healthy and happy. And having to fully handle it myself and not really being able to lean on these people that were leaning on me constantly was clearly not the optimal and how and not how I want to live my life. I don't know if I answered your question of like it was kind of how I recognized it, but what I did about it, well, one, I in the the personal side, I said, you know, this isn't working and this isn't something, you know, this is probably a relationship that was never meant to be a relationship.

00:12:24:06 - 00:12:44:17
Alex
It just there's a lot of context. There, which I won't kind of go into. But, this isn't the ideal for either of us. This is what's going to happen. I mean, I was in such a leadership role in that relationship that was like, this is what's going to happen. You know, I functioned until this point, and you are going to have that time to figure it out, and I will like, support you with that.

00:12:44:17 - 00:13:07:22
Alex
And then I'm out of here, like, literally out of this province, like getting on a flight. In the business relationship, it took time. I set some boundaries and created distance and didn't allow things to escalate. That was kind of the first one. And I'll be honest, it, you know, I tried to do that. I was all, like, proud of myself.

00:13:07:22 - 00:13:34:06
Alex
And then my business partner had, like, come over later that day and then started talking and I said, hey, I told you that I do not want to talk about this because the cost to us as a business of me being so emotionally drained, like we can't handle that right now, and you really push the envelope and I and I and then I really confronted him and I said, okay, if you are not willing to respect my boundary, then we're going to talk about this, talk about this, and you know what?

00:13:34:08 - 00:14:00:29
Alex
Like I was frustrated in the moment because I wasn't being respected, but it surfaced some pretty hard things. It surfaced some realizations, like he shared, he he sort of said things. And then I said I was like, wait, what? You know, and, without going into the details, we kind of went back and forth. I said, do you realize what you've just said and what that means for what this pattern has been about?

00:14:01:01 - 00:14:35:13
Alex
And it was really hard is a really hard conversation, but like most hard things on the other side of it, there's understanding and clarity and this is not always the outcome because sometimes it is about you. But there was in that instance a lot of clarity that there's a there's a coping mechanism happening that was not particularly related to me, and definitely not something that I needed to take on board and change.

00:14:35:16 - 00:14:35:27
Alex
It's.

00:14:36:00 - 00:14:54:09
Lisa
Really interesting in relationships, right? Because we're always going to attract people to us that are the perfect fit for the things that are unhealed in us. I don't know how else to put it right, like our active wounds. And we all have active wounds, like there's nobody out there that doesn't have stuff that they're carrying around and, and that's what happens.

00:14:54:09 - 00:15:16:11
Lisa
These relationships come into our lives to show us the parts of ourselves. So, you know, what I was hearing in, in all of this is it sounds like you had a pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable people so you would overcompensate by being like, I'm going to care for you. I'm going to love you. I'm going to I'm going to handle everything because they weren't really available to to do that.

00:15:16:11 - 00:15:31:03
Lisa
And I know a lot of that is learned in our, in our childhood. Right. Like we we learned that okay. Well, I don't need your help. I don't need your love because we learned we weren't going to get it. But then we're like underneath. We really do know that we need to be loved. We want to be loved.

00:15:31:08 - 00:15:50:13
Lisa
So then we go into, you know, being overly helpful, overly loving, overly caretaking, overly functioning for all our under functioning people. I know I have a lot of men and women that that listen to the podcast that are really column over functions. And when you're an over function or everybody in your life is going to under function.

00:15:50:16 - 00:16:03:21
Alex
Well, and it was so funny because I went through the first part of my life, and by first part, I mean like 30 years. Being the person who wasn't emotionally available.

00:16:03:23 - 00:16:04:27
Lisa
Of course.

00:16:04:29 - 00:16:24:00
Alex
And over functioning at work. Right, like value achievement, like, you know, whatever. But being that not so available and having frankly, very wonderful people in my life who there was a degree of like, if I let you in. But it was like a real process to get in. If I let you in, then it was it was different.

00:16:24:00 - 00:16:39:08
Alex
But I had really wonderful people in my life. And at some point I would always be like, sort of, hey, I don't think I can give you what you need. There's more out there for you. And then we would part ways and there was every single one of them, like found their person, got married, did the thing after, you know, not there wasn't a lot of them.

00:16:39:08 - 00:17:05:01
Alex
But like, like three. But I was that person. And then with therapy, coaching, personal development, you know, just getting to a point where you realize, well, yeah, well, okay, well, maybe I do want to be loved and maybe, you know, maybe I could be lovable. That pendulum swing. Yeah. Of becoming an over fonctionner. Yeah, it's really challenging.

00:17:05:01 - 00:17:26:27
Alex
And it's interesting because you have people show up in your life and they are drawn in by wherever you're at. And then it's interesting, people who have been in your life, right? So many business partners in my life for, you know, at this point or the over 15 years, you know, and he's my business partner. He's just a really good friend now, but someone, you know who we still have a great relationship.

00:17:26:29 - 00:17:48:08
Alex
But it's really interesting how. Yeah, he was always someone who pushed my buttons. Right? And that, like, ebbed and flowed and worked. And our friendship has changed over the years. But the reflection that you're talking about is he was someone who was close to me. He's someone I consider, you know, I don't have any blood siblings, but he's probably one of the closest thing to a brother.

00:17:48:08 - 00:18:07:12
Alex
And always in the like. I will drive you absolutely bananas around, you know, like poke you in the back of the car kind of thing. And in the fact that if I need something, he's always there and he's one of the few people that I allowed to be there, you know, and there's a million ways in which that's transpired.

00:18:07:12 - 00:18:28:26
Alex
But a really simple example is like, you know, if I show up in Toronto, it's like picked you up, here's the keys, here's a place to stay, like, you're sorted. Just that level of making your life easier is not something that has been very present or that I really allowed. And so what I realized was his propensity to push my buttons.

00:18:28:29 - 00:18:55:18
Alex
And there were other underlying things. But his principle, my buttons, well, he's one of the only people who's like, in the circle. Yeah. And so basically the kind of feelings of like never being good enough that I had related to parental, particularly one parental relationship. Those were the buttons he was pushing because he was one of the only people who could reach those buttons because no one else is allowed close enough.

00:18:55:20 - 00:19:15:13
Alex
And that was a realization. That was I probably came to, I don't know, maybe two years after we sold the business and and probably about a year after we stopped kind of working together in the, the, the acquirers business. And I remember when I said it to him, he was like, obviously, of course, like you. And I was

00:19:15:13 - 00:19:17:07
Alex
like, you didn't know that either.

00:19:17:07 - 00:19:20:14
Alex
Like fully, you know, like, this is why.

00:19:20:14 - 00:19:40:21
Lisa
I love relationships because they are literally here to grow us. And I had a, counselor way back in the day who said, you know, because I was, you know, complaining about somebody always pushing my buttons. And she just deadpanned, looked at me and said, you know, Lisa, nobody can push your buttons if you know what your buttons are, and you do the work to rid yourself of those buttons.

00:19:40:21 - 00:19:42:00
Lisa
And I was like.

00:19:42:02 - 00:19:42:25
Alex
Whoa!

00:19:42:25 - 00:20:01:23
Lisa
It was this whole personal responsibility. Like, oh, they're not actually doing anything to me. There's something in me that is getting rubbed the wrong way, right? They're poking at something that is in me that needs to heal. And you know what I heard when you were talking about your partner is that first conversation where you really had to lean into boundaries, right?

00:20:01:23 - 00:20:23:04
Lisa
When you said he wasn't respecting your boundaries, even learning that boundaries aren't about somebody respecting you, it's about you respecting yourself. And how that opened up the conversation into something so much more. And for those of us who are pleasers and caretakers, setting about, I mean setting boundaries is one of the hardest things I ever had to learn.

00:20:23:08 - 00:20:44:02
Lisa
Like, I, I was literally in a room with other people learning boundaries, and I was like, we were role playing sounds so ridiculous. We were role playing. And I was like, I don't get it. Like, I literally like file not found in what these boundaries are, right? Because I saw it as I would be mean. Like, how mean am I, how bitchy am I?

00:20:44:05 - 00:21:05:12
Lisa
If I'm setting boundaries because there, there was such a lack of respect for who I, who I was and such a lack of love and worthiness around who I was. Everybody was more important than me. Their needs, their wants, their desires. And I literally thought that that was what made me an amazing human, was my ability to love and care for.

00:21:05:12 - 00:21:28:26
Lisa
And you'll love to see the potential in everybody. Right now I'm like, oh, screw potential man. Like seeing the potential in other people is just our way of avoiding the grief of facing the truth. I'm going to say that again, seeing the potential in other people is our way of avoiding the grief that we don't want to feel when we allow ourselves to see the truth.

00:21:28:26 - 00:21:55:16
Lisa
And that's the trap that so many of us get caught in. So I love that with this particular person in your life, he he gave you space. And through this relationship you've learned what it what it looks like to be emotionally safe with someone, which is a lot of what the type of women that you and I are and the women and men that I work with need to learn because we didn't grow up in quote unquote, emotionally safe spaces.

00:21:55:16 - 00:22:23:07
Lisa
We were safe, right? Most of us were safe to a certain degree, some of us not so much. But emotional safety is a completely different thing. Yeah, we don't have emotional fluency. We don't talk about feelings. Feelings are not safe. Don't express them. They'll get shoved down your throat or they'll get rubbed in your face. So this is where we learn that our doing, our productivity, the things we accomplish, there's value on that, but there's not value in feeling.

00:22:23:10 - 00:22:31:03
Lisa
So I really love the journey that you've had, kind of to find your way back to who you are without all the coping mechanisms.

00:22:31:06 - 00:23:02:11
Alex
Yeah. I heard, I read somewhere that often when we've experienced a trauma and growing up, particularly with parental figures that have left us, like wanting, we will, in one way or another, repeat the pattern with other people trying to like, win, trying to wreck, trying to get it right. And I think it's so interesting to reflect on that with the different avenues.

00:23:02:14 - 00:23:42:08
Alex
You know, like I lived my life one way for a really long time. Then I tried to shift and that was extremely difficult. It felt like, you know, being an adult who is very competent, but being incompetent at navigating emotional fluency and my own emotions and, recognizing, but even more so dealing with toxicity and being boundaries and, it's so funny to reflect now because you do so much work and it is incremental, but there's also almost like, I feel like there's like a cliff where like at some point it clicks and you're like, just I just feel different.

00:23:42:08 - 00:24:06:02
Alex
I'm just fucking sorry. I don't freaking swear. Yeah, you're just a fucking different human now. And I know for me, there have been a few of those times, and most recently, just really felt like, restored to factory settings, like restore to me. I suddenly just feel so clear and so safe in who I am and how I move through the world.

00:24:06:02 - 00:24:37:07
Alex
And it is fascinating, how the world shows up to meet you, the people that come into your life, the people that reenter your life. And you're like, yes, I'm ready to deal with this now, so let's deal with it. The and down to even like the most bizarre things where, you know, I was having conversations with people I met at events and they, I think about them quick enough and they were a bit, I guess, frustrated.

00:24:37:07 - 00:24:54:13
Alex
And I thought I read a lot into it, but I held myself from, like, chasing it. I was just like, if that's a problem, that's their problem. Like I, you know, was clear about my timelines. And those people have suddenly, eight months later or a year later, showed up being like, oh, I guess we're really overdue. And I'm like, oh, I guess it wasn't about me.

00:24:54:13 - 00:25:17:05
Alex
I guess I didn't need to, like, go after it. You know, I've had a very strained relationship with a parent, like years without speaking, and they've shown up and I've been able to hold, and do a lot of the emotional labor in a way that I don't know that I would be willing to do on an ongoing basis, which I think is what ultimately they would like.

00:25:17:07 - 00:25:41:20
Alex
But being able to hold those conversations and really show up in a way that I'm proud of and it's not that there's no impact. I don't, you know, click off the conversation and go about my day with no emotions. But being able to set intentions around, what's important is that clarity on what's important to me, what I want.

00:25:41:23 - 00:26:13:05
Alex
Hold some space. Listen for their experience rather than for, like, what's wrong with me? And and hold the unknowing of, like, where that's going to go in a way that isn't consuming my mental bandwidth and my emotional energy is really, really interesting. And new people, new people showing up in my life that are just very aligned to where I am.

00:26:13:07 - 00:26:15:02
Alex
Not that there's no more work to do.

00:26:15:05 - 00:26:36:05
Lisa
There's always there's always work to do, but it's different work. When you stop coming at it from a place of I'm broken, there's something wrong with me, versus I get to do this work because I'm so wildly curious about what makes me tick. And it is true, you know, like, we are energetic matches. We're energetic beings. Not to get woo, but that's just science.

00:26:36:12 - 00:26:59:09
Lisa
We're energetic beings and what comes into our life we're a match for. And even my life, you know, as this work has progressed over the decades that I've been doing it, now, I look around and think like, wow, like, no wonder these things are in my life now because of all the emotional stuff that I've cleared. So there was no business strategy in the world that was going to get me to where I'm at right now in my business.

00:26:59:09 - 00:27:22:21
Lisa
And this is what I'm hearing from you as well. Right? Like, we can talk business and you are one smart cookie, right? Like this is what you do. But we both know it really is the emotional work on ourselves. The getting to know who we are, the, the things that happened to us, how it impacted us on a subconscious level, and how that's driving our behaviors and beliefs and things we've never even looked at.

00:27:22:23 - 00:27:45:09
Lisa
And I think it's really important when we talk about trauma, because trauma is like such a buzz word now, right? Trauma, trauma, trauma. And what people often miss is that trauma isn't always something that happens to us. Trauma is often the things that we didn't get that we really needed when we were children, right? That that feeling of love, safety and belonging, those are foundational for us.

00:27:45:16 - 00:28:07:26
Lisa
And when we don't receive that in the way that we believe we should, and as children, we do need to feel safe. We do need to feel loved. We do need to feel like we belong. And so many of us don't get that on some level. And that deeply impacts how we show up in relationships moving forward. And most importantly, the relationship with, ourselves.

00:28:07:26 - 00:28:29:09
Lisa
So I really love that, you know, that you're sharing all of this because I bet this is a side that most of your clients and people that you surround yourself with don't always see, because you really are such a badass, bold CEO. You're doing amazing things out in the world. So I love that you agreed to come on and talk about this with me.

00:28:29:12 - 00:28:56:24
Alex
Why? I think what you said is spot on. And it's I've seen it both in how I work with my clients and my business. So, yeah, my business and what I can do in it is amplified exponentially when I'm on top of my emotional shit. I mean, it's just really wild. And it really, really makes a huge difference.

00:28:56:24 - 00:29:25:05
Alex
And, just my ability to function for myself. And again, this is a pattern, right? Like, my clients always, absolutely always show up for them. Not a problem. Very quote unquote easy for me. It's what I'm great at. And so my clients will always be taken care of. But for me and my business and the things we need to grow and earn and get our goals, oh, those can absolutely go out the window when I'm not regulated and doing my things.

00:29:25:05 - 00:29:42:25
Alex
And, and then I can just feel terrible about it and make myself feel even worse. And say, you know, if this was for anyone else, we'd be done. It's not hard. Why aren't you doing it? Why is this not on the back burner for three months? Like Alex, they're shit together. Like, you know, all the really wonderful conversations we have with our shitty committee in our head.

00:29:42:27 - 00:30:10:14
Alex
But it's also something that I have learned through my clients because when I started Leaders Who Build, which wasn't called that back then, you know, it's coming off the back of the acquisition, the exit, the break up of doing the work to fix my body by fixing the way I move through the world and and and prioritized myself and boundaries and communication and all that stuff.

00:30:10:16 - 00:30:32:23
Alex
So I've done maybe eight, seven years of personal development from back when I was in corporate and doing therapy into coaching as I made the transition to a nomad and leaving everything behind. As I started moving into the startup world, I have done all kinds of different work, and I also happen to have a degree in psychology.

00:30:32:25 - 00:30:55:05
Alex
So, you know, we see we just don't always know what to do about it. And so I simplified and I'm glad I did. And I had some guidance that said, like, do what you're great at. Don't overcomplicate this business. Just do what you're great on. What I was great at at the time that I could clearly articulate was strategic planning.

00:30:55:07 - 00:31:20:12
Alex
And then the upper end operationalization, the execution of the strategy in the operations and the team, to grow your business sustainably and profitably. And so that's what I did. And that meant, you know, clarity on where you want to go, making some strategic decisions, creating operating plans, quarterly priorities, metrics, how you run your meetings, all of that.

00:31:20:14 - 00:31:38:14
Alex
And so that's what I went and did. And thankfully I was kind of doing it randomly on, you know, co-working with other founders. And so when I started doing it officially, I was very lucky. There were a number of people who were like, oh my goodness, you're making it official. Like, I want this. Great. So I had this business almost overnight, which is phenomenal.

00:31:38:17 - 00:32:14:10
Alex
And I did my thing and I did, you know, the workshops and the sessions and my clients businesses grew and they got healthier and their whole lives got better. But when I would get feedback, they would start talking about who they were and how they felt and the confidence they felt be calling themselves the CEO or how they, you know, assessed and pivoted and made decisions more quickly, how they understood strategy, how they saw the world with so much more potential, so much less limits, how they felt like they were a better parent.

00:32:14:12 - 00:32:50:13
Alex
And I'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? Like, what about, you know, the the the goals, metrics, the metrics that we set, you know, like and and they were like, you set up our tracking. You know, we've exceeded the metrics like check, check, check. Love that. But really this thing me and how I feel and how I show up and how I live my life and who I am and thankfully, it didn't take long for that to land, because obviously there was a part of me that knew that and was putting all this.

00:32:50:13 - 00:33:09:03
Alex
You know, I did executive coaching when I was in the strategy consulting. That was just part of what we did. There were, you know, either officially or just when you unofficially talked an executive off a ledge in a real high stress moment. You know, I had done so much around teams leadership, so I knew it was important.

00:33:09:05 - 00:33:58:26
Alex
But because it's so much harder to quantify and and value, I was doing it, I guess innately and unofficially. And so thank goodness my clients were so comfortable and so open and so direct with me that they brought these up, because what it made me realize is you need strategy and leadership together. And leadership is self-awareness. Humility, leaning into your audacity, but dropping your ego and really understanding who you are and working on your communication and working on your boundaries and you can be and understood being able to understand others and inspire and lead and empower and enable them.

00:33:58:28 - 00:34:18:10
Alex
And actually like the one of the biggest things is like doing less productive checkbox things that feel good and clear and and leaning more into these things that you can't quantify. At the end of the day that you did. And it's a really uncomfortable part of growth, and it's why a lot of people stay in kind of more of a manager role rather than like a leader who can drive exponential growth.

00:34:18:12 - 00:34:44:09
Alex
And so I realized you need the leadership and the strategy, because the best strategy in the world, if you can lead yourself and others through it, there's value left on the table. And conversely, strategic thinking is very important. Strategy comes from war sports and into business. The ability to see things in a way and strategize and turn that into clear actions that you then need.

00:34:44:09 - 00:35:00:28
Alex
The leadership, the leadership allows you to deliver on it, but you do need to be able to think that way. You could be a very good leader, but not very strategic. And your team will probably really love you, but you might not be able to really grow something.

00:35:01:00 - 00:35:19:27
Lisa
I couldn't have said it better myself because I really do believe that, you know, leadership is self leadership. First, right? When you're if you're trying to lead other people and you're not even leading yourself, it just it's it's, it's a recipe for disaster. So I couldn't have said it better myself. So thank you for articulating that so well.

00:35:19:29 - 00:35:44:12
Lisa
So I'm going to ask you a question about success. So I want to hear this. So before everything before all of this change in your life, right before you became Alex today, less mass, less coping skills, knowing how to regulate herself. What did success like? How would you have defined success in the past versus how you define it now?

00:35:44:14 - 00:36:13:15
Alex
It's difficult because I think I've always known that I, you know, don't haven't put a ton of stock in the standard markers of success. And it's kind of weird because I come from athletic background. That is quite a standard marker in some ways. But I also kind of was willing to sacrifice all the other things that you're supposed to do to make that bowl happen, right, which is not necessarily standard.

00:36:13:17 - 00:36:30:05
Alex
And then I went through standard path, but I did them for the challenge more than like the money for status, if that makes sense. And so I think.

00:36:30:08 - 00:36:52:12
Alex
It was actually when money started to matter to me that I knew I needed to leave corporate consolidation because I was like, oh, I am frustrated that I am not being compensated at that time fairly and appropriately due to like, you know, a million reasons. And I'm not willing to just hop to another company who's going to pay me literally more than twice as much.

00:36:52:15 - 00:37:34:22
Alex
Because that's when I realized I needed to make a big change. Was success. Of course, freedom is enabled in some ways by finances. The freedom has always been the word for me, and it's so interesting how much I've reflected on its definition. Over time. But I think what was really driving it back then was this almost like perverse recognition for self-sacrifice, or because it was like, I am so good at certain things, but it wasn't safe to be good at things.

00:37:34:22 - 00:37:52:14
Alex
It was safe to be a hard worker. And so being recognized for just having an infinite capacity to work and deliver and problem solve was like a safe version of success,

00:37:52:17 - 00:37:53:20
Alex
like, you know.

00:37:53:22 - 00:37:55:07
Lisa
Being validated.

00:37:55:10 - 00:37:59:16
Alex
Yeah. Like validation was like, I don't know how you do it all.

00:37:59:18 - 00:38:02:12
Lisa
I remember those.

00:38:02:15 - 00:38:32:29
Alex
That, that I think was. That was kind of the, the marker of success and then the freedom to, you know, do what I want and be where I want didn't necessarily fully exist in corporate. But, again, finances meant that I could, you know, go explore the world and travel, which is huge. And I was in a job that gave me the opportunity to travel and have new and novel experiences, which are really important to me and be in different cultures and problem solve, because I do.

00:38:33:01 - 00:38:58:07
Alex
I mean, I love what I do now, I've loved what I've done in certain ways always, and I'm so fortunate. But I'm like built for what I do, right? Like I'm an incredible problem solver. I read people, you know, things trauma super like, you know, I read people I know the thing when you say it that I need to dig deeper in and I, you know, I know, Lisa, you, you have that superpower as well.

00:38:58:13 - 00:39:22:03
Alex
Like, I am so built for what I do now. But even back in consulting, at the time I was living my dream. I was surrounded by other very intelligent, very hardworking people. I was doing work that made a difference. I was constantly learning and being paid to do it. I was, you know, like, I really loved it.

00:39:22:03 - 00:39:46:22
Alex
And I got to go do that all over the world in different places, which is cool shit. Right? I mean, it takes it all in that industry because it's a rough industry. But it was really it was it was amazing. And it was, you know, coming out of my MBA and into that industry was one of the first times since I was an athlete that I felt like I was where I was meant to be.

00:39:46:24 - 00:40:07:06
Lisa
And what is what is success for you now? And freedom that you mentioned that you've had to redefine freedom. And that was a big thing for me, I guess, beginning in the Covid years to look at, like, how did I define freedom versus what is actual freedom? So I'd love to hear more about that. So how you define success and freedom today.

00:40:07:09 - 00:40:29:22
Alex
So there's some layering and many stories that happened along the way. Because I was I sold everything when I left corporate and became nomadic and lived out of one suitcase and one backpack for four years in my building and selling startups, which is like, oh my goodness, how many hard things can we do at once, right? How many, how much bandwidth of our nervous system can we possibly burn through?

00:40:29:24 - 00:40:49:16
Alex
You know, not having a home enough and not knowing where you were going to be two months from now, but an operating on 12 hour time difference, all kinds of things. And the thing I want to mention, just because it really speaks to my definition of success and where I'm at now, I've always said like, impacts what gets me out of bed.

00:40:49:18 - 00:41:17:20
Alex
You know, not driven by money that much. And that sounds like a really privileged thing to say. And I did, you know, work extremely hard to create security in my life. And it allowed me to make these choices and do these things. But I realized that I did. If I look, when I look back, I had this view of, like, well, I can either live this life where I earn this money and I have this home and I but I don't control my time.

00:41:17:20 - 00:41:47:05
Alex
And I'm, like constantly on call, or I can live this nomadic life and go wherever I want. And I kind of didn't realize, I think I had a little bit also of, yeah, I just want to do good. I want to make a difference. And so I can't be too focused on money because that's kind of what I left behind in corporate was like the freedom and flexibility to, like, work on what I think matters and have purpose and be where I want to be and with who I want to be, which is a big part of my definition.

00:41:47:05 - 00:42:11:15
Alex
And I'll try and summarize my definition of success properly. But I have this understanding now that like, oh, I can have a home base which gives me nervous system stability, gives me, honestly, like a physical safe space that I control, which with certain experiences in my life is really important to me. And it's probably why I've lived alone a lot of my life.

00:42:11:17 - 00:42:47:07
Alex
And there's no reason I couldn't have that in multiple places or have one of those and travel wherever I want, whenever I want, and have the abundance to do that. And so when I talk about my version of, freedom now, it's the freedom to work in a way that inspires me and with people that I choose, it's the ability to be where I want to be when I want to be, without it massively impacting my ability to do that work and help people and earn money.

00:42:47:07 - 00:43:06:02
Alex
And so I have, you know, chosen family all over the world. And they're very important to me. And I want to be able to, go and be with them. You know, my goddaughter is on another continent. And the reality of, of her family is that they have a house and a job and mortgages and a kid in school, like, they're not as flexible as I am.

00:43:06:02 - 00:43:27:02
Alex
And so I want to be able to go be there or with one of my other very close friends who also has, you know, family obligations. So the freedom of location, the freedom of type of work and who I work with, I also have set my business up that I do the work I do with incredible founders and executives, and it is impactful.

00:43:27:04 - 00:43:52:17
Alex
And I have always bandwidth to do work that is, you know, maybe socially or environmentally impactful and not worry about how it compensates me. If I think that someone's what someone's doing is changing the world for a population or the world, I want to be able if my skills can help to apply them. And it doesn't mean I'm never compensated, but it means I don't have to worry because I have it covered.

00:43:52:20 - 00:44:23:23
Alex
And so freedom takes on all of these meanings in my life. And also, if we go beyond just freedom, it's. And it may be time freedom. But success for me is also being able to prioritize my health and wellness, which is physical and mental. I happen to also have an autoimmune disorder, so that makes everything just a little spicier in that, that if I don't prioritize it for long enough and I do have, an issue, that issue tends to be a little bit bigger.

00:44:23:23 - 00:44:52:10
Alex
And, you know, it's kind of like having an immune system that's, angry dude on steroids. Like, it's just a little overreactive and not always rational. And so prioritizing my health being the best version of me, which is also what I preach. Right? Like, practice what you preach. And again, when I am prioritizing my health, which is movement, which is, connections and community, which is the food I eat is sleep, I get I am infinitely more powerful in how I show up for my clients.

00:44:52:10 - 00:45:04:25
Alex
I can facilitate you through a structure no problem on no sleep. But the more nuanced super power stuff. Of course, it's going to be better when I'm well-rested and, you know, not distraught.

00:45:04:27 - 00:45:24:09
Lisa
Yeah, I say to a tired brain is an asshole. And, you know, the foundation. I speak of it in terms of an acronym called halt, hungry, angry, lonely, tired, angry, anxious really? All your feelings. If you can take the boxes of all of those, you're going to show up and perform as your best self. But even if 1 or 2 of those are off, good luck.

00:45:24:12 - 00:45:53:27
Lisa
Like you just cannot perform as the best version of yourself. So I'm curious to know, because we talked about boundary setting and as a former people pleaser, myself and caretaker, how did learning to say no change the way you saw yourself? Because that's a massive shift in identity. When we start to say no, when we've always been a yes person.

00:45:53:29 - 00:45:59:00
Alex
I think I want to take a step further and also like, learn to say no without ever explaining yourself.

00:45:59:03 - 00:46:09:27
Lisa
Correct? No is a complete sentence. Yeah. No justification needed. That is un that is wildly uncomfortable for people to get to. So I'd love to hear more about that for you.

00:46:10:00 - 00:46:10:19
Alex
And I just

00:46:10:19 - 00:46:31:23
Alex
had I had a mini mini example of it this morning where like somebody had reached out and, connected and then immediately was just like, this is what I do, and I want to do this. And I was like, thank you so much. Gave like a very quick rationale. Great. You know, and then they reached out and they're like, daughter.

00:46:31:24 - 00:46:52:24
Alex
And I said, I believe I made myself clear. And that was it. I was about to write a second sentence, and I was like, I absolutely do not owe this person any explanation. I was kind enough to even reply to an unsolicited message, you know, because, like, that's fine. Connection is lovely. And I do think it's, you know, it's putting yourself out there is hard.

00:46:52:24 - 00:47:28:07
Alex
It's nice if someone acknowledges it. And beyond that, I was clear and I think I don't honestly. Oh, I have a hard time saying like how has it changed how I see myself, but it has brought a level of peace into my life that, is is priceless. Yeah. It's, foundational, right? I think the reason I have a hard time is it's not like it's I see myself elevated, so it's not like I'm like, oh, I see myself elevated.

00:47:28:07 - 00:47:55:19
Alex
I'm better person than I was, or I'm better than, it's almost the opposite. I think it's like I see myself as more grounded, more stable and and not rigid, but able to move with smoother movements in the world and clearer focus. Because I'm not pulling myself in 100 different directions.

00:47:55:22 - 00:47:56:23
Lisa
I love that.

00:47:56:25 - 00:48:16:19
Lisa
For me, it was really about looking at, the part of me that was had tied so much of my identity in being the kind, loving, nice person. To what will people think if I set boundaries? Will I be perceived as a bitch? Because I saw people who would say no and I would have judgment around them, like, why can't they just do the thing?

00:48:16:19 - 00:48:37:24
Lisa
Like, why can't they just be not recognizing, right, that I was constantly sacrificing myself to other people? So there was a huge identity shift around like me. See, you have to like yourself more than other people. May or may not like you, like what feels congruent for you. That was that was really big, was letting go of the nice girl.

00:48:37:24 - 00:48:43:09
Lisa
And in the words of Brené Brown, becoming the kind, the kind, grounded woman.

00:48:43:12 - 00:49:12:00
Alex
I think about that all the time. Well, so I will say, yeah, I maybe it's not how I see myself, but I am so full of gratitude and so happy and so just genuinely in love with myself. And it comes out, I am a weirdo. I mean, another reason I spend less time alone. That's great. Like I am a super weirdo and it comes out in the weirdest ways and I laugh at myself.

00:49:12:00 - 00:49:30:26
Alex
I will literally be chuckling as I sit here by myself when something comes to mind, or something happens and I am just so enamored with myself. And the standards to which I hold myself to are no less. They are just clearer.

00:49:30:29 - 00:49:48:00
Lisa
I love that so much. Alex, do you know how hard it is for people to get to that point where they can say that about themselves out loud? I absolutely don't think you're a weirdo, because what are you measuring that against? Right. Like, as far as I'm concerned, I look out at the world and everybody's a weirdo except for people who are doing this work.

00:49:48:00 - 00:49:50:03
Lisa
No judgment. But, you know.

00:49:50:05 - 00:50:14:11
Alex
And I think it's that I've never conforms, and I, you know, I grew up not being willing to conform to fit in. I didn't fit in. And kids are shitty and thank God I had athletics. I mean, you know, pro and con of, like, achievement. But I was never willing to fit in. But I actually didn't think I was good enough.

00:50:14:13 - 00:50:40:02
Alex
Right? Like, I didn't think I was good enough, I didn't I, I had all the thing. I just wasn't willing to be peer pressured or be fake to fit it right, which I guess is great, but also feels terrible. And so I've always been a nonconformist in certain ways. You know, I don't physically look at that much anymore, but in.

00:50:40:05 - 00:51:06:13
Alex
I think I am a believer. Like, I think structure sets you free, but I think you can fuck the rules. And I think you those who rewrite the rules are the ones that win at life. And the more that I just accept that, like, even silly things, I'm like, I don't like this. I said to someone the other day, and this is the silliest example, but I'm I'm hoping that it's maybe easier for someone to like, listen to.

00:51:06:15 - 00:51:33:01
Alex
I was like, I genuinely think eating easier with your hands tastes better. Like, I don't know why, but I just, I just fundamentally think that and believe it. And I will like, believe that till the end of my days. And the person who is a newer person in my life who has regularly surprised me by being like this thing that I have said because I'm just so in love with myself and willing to be who I am.

00:51:33:03 - 00:51:48:03
Alex
And I don't really worry about what they think, but I kind of expect that they might be like, that's odd. And I'm like, well, hopefully it's not that they like, because if not, oh, well, but it's just like, oh, absolutely. And then like doubled down on it. And then we had the like a hilarious conversation. Right.

00:51:48:05 - 00:52:13:06
Alex
And it's such a, it's obviously I have, I have deeper thoughts than just like fork, no fork. But little things like that, that I think you can extrapolate that to whatever it is that you feel uncomfortable with, about what everyone agrees is the way we do things. And what if you just thought it was funny, right?

00:52:13:06 - 00:52:14:00
Lisa
I think I just.

00:52:14:00 - 00:52:15:09
Alex
Said it's wrong or right.

00:52:15:14 - 00:52:37:25
Lisa
No. When we show up and are just who we are, we actually invite other people to feel safe enough and brave enough to be who they are and also embrace their weird whatever it is. You know, like, because I think we're all a little bit weird, but most people are hiding behind all these, like, ways they believe they need to be.

00:52:37:25 - 00:52:47:10
Lisa
So I really what I hear in your voices that you're so proud of who you've become and the work that you've done to be where you are today.

00:52:47:12 - 00:53:09:17
Alex
And I think the more you embrace that and talk about it, which is why I'm so happy to be here with you today, you know the better. And you talk about boundaries and it's able to recognize it in yourself and others too, right? The more you do the work, the more you see it clearly in the world. You know, I talked about new people coming into my life like.

00:53:09:20 - 00:53:31:28
Alex
Weirdness is associated with intelligence, right? Like, you know, and so, someone has come into my life recently who is off the charts, intelligent and weird, smart. And I love it because it just unlocks a whole new level of me getting to be my weird, smart, bizarre self. And it's phenomenal. I love that and I'm like, yeah, more of this in my life.

00:53:32:01 - 00:53:50:29
Alex
Yes, the other people. And I'm I'll be honest, I'm still getting comfortable with this. Like other people will tell me you're such an inspiration or I love how you do this. It makes me feel like something positive that they want to share. And, I, I still sometimes have a hard time with it.

00:53:51:02 - 00:53:55:02
Lisa
What about it? It's hard.

00:53:55:04 - 00:54:11:28
Alex
I don't I think I'm getting a I don't think it's so much just taking a compliment, because I do think I'm kind of pretty good on that, and I'm so past that, but, like, pretty good on it. I think it comes back to some of the foundational things. I've always had a little bit of a hard time with.

00:54:11:28 - 00:54:20:24
Alex
It feels like a responsibility to who like, it feels like if people are looking up to you, there's like responsibility on you to

00:54:21:00 - 00:54:21:27
Alex
like.

00:54:22:00 - 00:54:23:19
Lisa
That sounds like a story about.

00:54:23:19 - 00:54:25:02
Alex
Like, yeah, yeah, that's like a.

00:54:25:02 - 00:54:26:13
Lisa
Whole lot of bullshit there.

00:54:26:16 - 00:54:32:27
Alex
Yeah, I think so. And I think I can recognize that whilst like while working through it, you know.

00:54:32:29 - 00:54:55:10
Lisa
Other people's expectations of you, they're really none of your business. So you're allowed to receive that, right. Other people's expectations are none of your business. So whether they want to hold you on a pedestal or not, you can't actually have any control over that, but you can receive that and then not be responsible for living up to their expectations in any way, shape or form.

00:54:55:13 - 00:55:19:03
Alex
And I think for the most part, I do, I think when it comes to a lot of things, like I, you know, you and I both love the gym here and the gym in general. And I remember, you know, starting to post sometimes at the gym and then kind of, you know, learning a little bit about posing from my trainer and taking a better gym photo and posting it almost more for accountability to myself.

00:55:19:03 - 00:55:37:06
Alex
And as I got comfortable being out on social media because I had no public profiles, my profiles, even the private ones, weren't my full name. Like back in my corporate days. Like it was very, very separate. And then when you become an entrepreneur with a personal brand and a service based industry, you know, no, like trust becomes a thing.

00:55:37:06 - 00:55:58:12
Alex
And so I committed to experimenting and getting out on social media. And so I remember, you know, posting and posting. And then people would tell me, I know how much you do, and you make it to the gym. And it's such an inspiration. And I was like, oh, wow, you know, and in that realm I was like, okay, like that is really wonderful.

00:55:58:12 - 00:56:21:18
Alex
And I've had some really intense, wonderful conversations with people about that where like, it's really made a difference for them and, and galvanized them to make some big changes. And I'm like, wow, I love that. And that touches me and that inspires me to just. Yeah, because I also get people who have other thoughts on my posting, my daily gym photo and what we do.

00:56:21:20 - 00:56:40:27
Alex
Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, fine. I do it for the person, the one person or the, you know, 20 people that it does, that it makes a positive difference. And for myself and that's fine. And like I don't really care what the other people think. I think it's, you know, when you, we're going to say you're a hermit crab and you're like, oh, grow your shell.

00:56:40:27 - 00:56:58:13
Alex
And then like, every time, like I'm in that moment of outgrowing or shedding or whatever analogy we're going to use because I was a terrible. And when you shed and you have new skin, right? And you shed your armor and you have new skin before the next form of you kind of like hardens a little bit. I think that new skin is more sensitive.

00:56:58:13 - 00:57:26:02
Alex
And so I think when people will say things like that, but about, the more new found like, I am who I am, I'm, you know, and I'm and I'm very open about whatever I think whether it's, forks or something more consequential in the world. I think those places are a little more sensitive because they're newer.

00:57:26:04 - 00:57:26:23
Alex
Modules.

00:57:27:01 - 00:57:49:12
Lisa
Well, here's what I'll offer you, Alex, because it's become so clear that one of your values, one of your top values is impact. So every time somebody says that to you, it's the universe showing you that you're living your values. So how can you poo poo on that? This is what you're calling in, right? It's it's 100% evidence that you are living on purpose.

00:57:49:12 - 00:57:59:01
Lisa
And doing what you're meant to do. So let yourself be soft and sensitive. I think that's one of the most beautiful things about you.

00:57:59:04 - 00:58:04:09
Alex
Yeah, that's that has been a journey. But thank you for that reflection.

00:58:04:11 - 00:58:16:23
Lisa
So. Oh my gosh. There's so many things that I want to ask you.

00:58:16:25 - 00:58:27:27
Lisa
What have you learned about loving yourself that no one could have taught you?

00:58:27:29 - 00:58:55:19
Alex
Oh that's a tough one. I think I am somebody who has always kind of learned the hard way just in life. That's just, I just think that's kind of who and how I've operated. And it doesn't mean that, you know, I intend to continue that way. But. I don't even know how to articulate it. But I feel like that kind of is the answer to your question.

00:58:55:21 - 00:59:30:29
Alex
I don't think anyone can teach you how to love yourself genuinely. I think people can give you examples. People can guide you. People can ask questions. People can show up for you in really wonderful, magical, life-changing ways. But I think until you go through the 1 or 100 dark nights of the soul that you need to go through and really look at yourself and really and I will admit this, my some of my worst moments where I've been when I'm like, I just want someone to save me.

00:59:30:29 - 00:59:56:27
Alex
And I self loathe myself for even thinking that. But that's a weird dichotomy to be in. It's like, I want this and I hate myself for thinking that, until you go through and you look in that mirror and you, yeah, you see it and you think it through, feel it through. I don't know what the answer is.

00:59:56:27 - 00:59:58:10
Alex
I don't even know how to describe to someone.

00:59:58:17 - 00:59:59:09
Lisa
It's just.

00:59:59:11 - 01:00:02:07
Alex
It just think you you you just you have to get there.

01:00:02:07 - 01:00:02:14
Alex
You're so.

01:00:02:15 - 01:00:26:29
Lisa
Yeah, that's the, you know, that's what the way that I look at self-love, that, you know, that nobody could have taught me was that it really can't be outsourced and that, you know, we it's learning what that means. And it's going to be a very individual journey. Right. Like self-love is just kind of out there concept. Right. But it really is for me, it was starting to look at, well, what are all the ways that I'm not loving myself?

01:00:27:05 - 01:00:47:25
Lisa
Where am I being critical? Where am I chasing my worthiness in my accomplishments? Where am I looking to be loved by somebody else? And I'm wanting them to be all these things for me, but I'm not being responsible for it. And man, the universe had to take me out of the night. I'm getting goosebumps. The universe had to take me out at the knees multiple times for me to get this lesson.

01:00:47:27 - 01:01:10:08
Lisa
And you know, I don't think that there is a more powerful lesson that we can step into than learning that accepting who we are and loving all parts of us. And that doesn't mean you have to like everything about yourself. But loving yourself is about being proud of your accomplishments and recognizing that there was nothing you ever had to earn.

01:01:10:10 - 01:01:29:24
Lisa
There was nothing you ever had to do to earn your worthiness. We were born worthy and deserving of creating the lives we want. We were born worthy and deserving of loving ourselves and being loved by other. We didn't. We didn't have to earn any of that. But it is such a tough lesson for so many of us to walk into.

01:01:29:24 - 01:02:02:01
Lisa
So, kudos to you on having the courage to lean in and do this work on yourself, because, you know, when I talk about what I do because there are no metrics or data, I mean, there is, but there isn't, right? It's not like, here's the numbers you made this month. That's not what I do. This work will change your life in so many ways, but it is the hardest and often most painful work you'll ever do because you are confronted with your own stuff and there's nobody to blame.

01:02:02:08 - 01:02:24:10
Lisa
So you can look at how things impacted you in your life. But ultimately, it's up to you to decide how you want to interpret them moving forward, and how you want to use them to step into this new version of you. So I just think, Alex, that there's so much more success, freedom, however you want to define it in the future.

01:02:24:10 - 01:02:47:00
Lisa
Love, expansiveness coming for you because you have done this work and I see nothing but good things, amazing things happening for you the more you embrace your weird. And I'm so grateful that you came into my life. We're like soul sisters here. It's a little like goofy, but you know, sometimes you meet people and you're like, I've known you for a few lifetimes.

01:02:47:00 - 01:02:48:19
Alex
Yeah.

01:02:48:22 - 01:03:03:28
Lisa
I'm just so grateful you came into into my life. I'm so grateful you are willing to come on the podcast and share this side of you, because I know that it's not a side that you've let a lot of people into seeing. And it it takes a lot of courage to have these conversations and put yourself out there.

01:03:03:28 - 01:03:05:17
Lisa
So thank you.

01:03:05:20 - 01:03:35:27
Alex
Thank you so much, Lisa. I mean, I couldn't agree more with you how important it is. I think there's, you know, million more layers and things that even just what you said now brought up for me. But I think. The. The results and proof are there. They're not maybe data but they're there when you know and I'm sure you help your clients, you know, look for them and ask them in their own ways.

01:03:36:00 - 01:03:57:19
Alex
And it is a journey. But the level of insight that you gain and, you know, compassion for the versions of you that it took to get here and, you know, is is really fundamental. And I do think I do think it is, you know, it's life is a video game. Like these are the cheat codes, right? These are how you get to the next level.

01:03:57:19 - 01:04:05:13
Alex
And well, and you know, that has very much been true in my, in my life and in my business.

01:04:05:16 - 01:04:08:27
Lisa
Yeah. You know, it's funny success and fulfillment. It's

01:04:08:29 - 01:04:28:18
Lisa
it's not a destination. It's not some place to get to. It's available to all of us. Now, when we start to redefine how we're looking at those two things, and then doing the work that it's really going to take to, to move us to that place. So is there anything that you want to leave my listeners with?

01:04:28:18 - 01:04:44:28
Lisa
Is there anything that you want to share? One last, like Truth Bomb, something you learned? I love that you're pausing, taking a sip of your water.

01:04:45:00 - 01:05:17:13
Alex
I actually think it's the reflection that came to me when you were sharing. And so I mentioned that moment. I think there's been 2 or 3 in my life where I've, I think I'm fortunate as I process pretty quickly, good and bad, like the ups and the downs tend to pass quickly. So I think they haven't been too long, but those moments where I wished for someone to come and save me and self-loathing that I would even have that idea.

01:05:17:13 - 01:05:57:07
Alex
It's a real unique position, and it's a real rock bottom, emotional moment to have this desire and hate yourself for even considering it. When you are a capable, functional, successful adult. And the compassion that I see that girl with that version of me from years ago with is, of course, she felt that way because she was giving every ounce of energy to save and support other people.

01:05:57:14 - 01:06:30:05
Alex
She had none left for herself. And so yeah, fine. She could feel however she wants about that thought. But of course our brains are problem solving, logical. We're like meat computers or little media computers. When you are spending all of your resources on others, you mathematically need something to expend a resource to put something back in your tank.

01:06:30:08 - 01:06:59:00
Alex
Now, obviously if you've listened to this whole podcast, you or in you, you know, follow Lisa, you know that that's not the answer, right? The answer is you need to expend some of your resource on yourself and figure that all out. But the level that you get to on the other side of whatever you're going through, if you're going through something similar or dissimilar but difficult, is perspective and compassion.

01:06:59:02 - 01:07:26:26
Alex
And that perspective, I think amplifies, right? It's almost like the more you learn, the faster you can process and learn. And so I do also think it is an exponential curve. If you're early in your growth journey, it is hard and it feels long and it may feel like you are having micro wins but not moving. The big picture needle.

01:07:26:28 - 01:07:46:17
Alex
And I, you know, I talk about it in business, but I believe in it so strongly that it's tattooed on my wrist. The spiral. If you look at a spiral from the wrong way, it looks like you're going in circles. But if you adjust your perspective, you see that you are actually going around and up and up.

01:07:46:19 - 01:07:51:25
Lisa
Of that so much. Yeah, I remember at the beginning of my journey, it felt like

01:07:51:28 - 01:08:08:11
Lisa
I would describe it as climbing up a mountain naked under barbed wire. Right? Like, you know, the army crawl under the barbed wire, butt naked. And I remember crying just thinking like, when? When is my life going to feel better? When is it going to feel better?

01:08:08:13 - 01:08:32:00
Lisa
And I've had those moments of wanting to be safe, too. And you know what? I've come to learn. And I think that this is important for all high functioning and capable men and women, is that it gets to be both. We get to be soft and be loved and be supported and be capable and strong. And I love that you're allowing that now without condemning yourself for wanting that.

01:08:32:00 - 01:08:54:12
Lisa
Like there's nothing wrong with wanting to be saved. We all we know that we end up having to save ourselves, but to call in that type of relationship where you can feel soft and safe and relax into you and know you're super strong and capable and can take care of yourself, it's that that that intersection of both, which is really, really beautiful, that that's where you're getting to.

01:08:54:14 - 01:09:16:02
Lisa
So taking so much of your time. Thank you so much for sharing so openly, Alex. I appreciate it so deeply. We will put all the links to where people can find you and follow your weirdness online. Oh my God, I loved following you during Halloween. I was like, I need to come to Mexico for Halloween. This is amazing.

01:09:16:09 - 01:09:26:06
Lisa
Alex was literally like, don't bother me over Halloween. It's my thing. And I'm like, oh, I like you even more now. So thank you so much for being here, Alex. I appreciate you so much.

01:09:26:09 - 01:09:29:04
Alex
Lisa. It's been a pleasure. Thank you so much.

01:09:29:06 - 01:09:53:18
Lisa
You're listening to this and recognizing yourself and Alex's story. Here's what I want you to know. The patterns we talked about today over functioning, people pleasing, being everyone's rock while you're quietly falling apart. These aren't just who you are. They're how you learn to cope through life so that you could feel valued, loved, and have a sense of belonging.

01:09:53:20 - 01:10:21:21
Lisa
But they're costing you your health, your relationships, and your ability to actually feel the success you built. The Concurrency Audit is a free 15 minute call we've set up, where my team will look at the gap between what you've achieved on the outside and what you're actually feeling on the inside will identify the exact pattern keeping you exhausted, what's really driving it, and what it's going to take for you to finally create success that feels as good as it looks.

01:10:21:24 - 01:10:30:18
Lisa
Book yours today at Lisa Carpenter.ca/Audit. Thanks for listening and I'll catch you on the next episode.