In episode 200 Lisa welcomes her special guest Tara Newman from The Bold Leadership Revolution to interview her about what she’s learned working with women over the decades.

Some of the powerful questions and topics they dive into in this episode:

What changes have you seen with women in relationship to their goals and their desires?

The hardest question MOST women don’t ask themselves, but need to.

One of the most overlooked but simplest solutions for better daily performance and to bring more ease into your life.

How to create more emotional resiliency so that you can handle whatever life throws at you.

Why desire can be an amazing thing, but also a trap for women who are chasing more.

How the self-help industry is keeping us trapped and stuck in feeling broken and not good enough.

Why awareness doesn’t automatically create results.

Why you can’t create peace and ease without discomfort and hard.

Where you can take back your power, create boundaries and discover what self-care for YOU is.

 

If you’re the kind of woman who wants MORE and is ready to stop spinning so many plates and end the personal sacrifice, apply for a 1:1 coaching session now

http://www.lisacarpenter.ca/wwm;

Follow Lisa on Instagram

 

Access Tara’s Revenue Goal Calculator and learn what you need to GET PAID as a female entrepreneur.

To follow Tara on Instagram, https://www.instagram.com/thetaranewman/

 

TRANSCRIPT

Lisa:
Welcome to the full frontal living Podcast. I’m Lisa Carpenter, master life coach to driven ambitious humans who want more out of life without having to sacrifice themselves to achieve it. I’ll share how it’s possible to slow down, take better care of yourself, find more peace and ease, create sustainable energy, stop procrastination and overwhelm, and fall in love with your life, your business and your body. This podcast is for you if you’re ready to learn what it takes to thrive as a high performer, do less, but achieve more, make you and your well-being a top priority and create your extraordinary life. I’m so glad you’re here.

Lisa:
Hey, thanks for tuning in to another episode of The Full Frontal Living Podcast. And this is a really exciting episode for a whole variety of reasons. This is my 200th episode, which is like blowing my mind. It is being released the week of my 50th birthday, which is also blowing my mind because 50… not what I really thought it was going to be when I was 20. So things look really, really different. And I have invited a really special and very important person on to interview me today because I thought well, what the heck am I going to talk about with 200 episodes. And honestly, sometimes I wonder what the heck I’m going to talk about from week to week, I can’t believe I’ve had that much to say over that many years. And that person is none other than Tara Newman. Tara and I met back in, we were just talking about it, probably 2015. But we first officially connected in 2016. With Periscope being put out into the world. We became friends. Then she became a client. And then she became my coach. And she has been by my side through all of it. The Good, the Bad, the Ugly, the tantrums, the triumphs, all of it. And I couldn’t think of anybody better to bring on to ask me questions than her because she’s one of the people in this space that knows me better than anybody. So Tara, go ahead and introduce yourself because she’s doing some epic stuff in the world. And I really welcome this opportunity for my listeners to get to know you better if they don’t already know you. Which I think many of them do.

Tara:
Hey! First of all, congratulations!

Lisa:
200 episodes is like…

Tara:
I’m trying to remember the initial conversation to starting this podcast. But I do remember the chicken flipping.

Lisa:
Oh, you know what it was kind of like I had been talking about it for ages, not taking action, because those were back in the days when everything had to be perfect before I took action. And then what am I going to talk about? And it was just the decision around Lisa, can you just talk about whatever you want. And I share that on the podcast a lot that I started this by just saying there’s no rules for me. The only rule was that I needed to publish something every week. But I could talk about whatever I wanted. Because at the time, I was really struggling with my messaging, what I was letting go of, what I was stepping into. And it was just about breaking down things being perfect. And the podcast really took off. I remember being shocked at like, people were actually listening and cared about what I had to say and that it was making an impact. So yeah, there’s the infamous chicken flipping episode because I needed to put out an episode and I was on vacation and I was barbecuing. And it was just it was like poorly thought out a train went by in the background. I’ll link to that in the comments because it is really a classic, a classic episode. So yeah.

Tara:
200. Amazing. And you said it’s your birthday. And I’ve panicked because I’m like, It’s not this week, but no, this is recording it and it’s going live next.

Lisa:
Next week, and honestly, I’m going to be on a spiritual retreat. So I’m going to be completely unplugged like I don’t even exist on my birthday, which is also kind of, you know, because when, when I thought about 50 in the past or the you know, these milestone birthdays, because we give them meaning. I think, oh, it should be like a party or I should be doing something and I’m literally going to be unavailable for anybody but myself, as I really reflect on you know what I want for the next 50 years, because, you know, I expect to be around for another 50. So it’s just kind of it’s just wild the turns that my life has taken. So anyways, yeah. 50. Fuck, 50. So funny.

Tara:
Epic epic. So for your listeners. I’m Tara Newman. I am the CEO and founder of the Bold Leadership Revolution. I have a podcast the Bold Money Revolution. I like revolution. And I like to think that we are helping female experts who are running service-based businesses with the most important thing. And that’s getting paid for their expertise and the effort that they put in. So they can provide financial security for their families and for themselves, doing work that energizes them and that they’re proud of.

Lisa:
Amen and Hallelujah to that. Tara is one-

Tara:
And I’d like to say the emphasis is on getting paid.

Lisa:
Right, getting paid, which is really important, because in this online space, you know, everybody can just be a millionaire overnight. And not true. So Tara is one of those people that I always turn to for real perspective on what it looks like to run a real business for the long term, to create wealth. And I just, I value, your perspective and your opinion so much, and I love the work you’re doing on the world, because there is really so much bullshit out there for people who are running those businesses. And, you know, you and I’ve talked about this, you know, online business versus business. But business is just business, whether it’s online, or offline, and you have really helped to pull a lot of women out of the weeds about what it means to run a business. I mean, you have been such a teacher for me. Because when I really started running my business, I knew I was a great coach. But I had no idea what it meant to run a business at all, or what it meant to be a CEO or what it meant to manage, or even have a relationship with money, let alone allow myself to get paid. So your work is so incredibly important. And I love, you know, because I’ve known you for so long, I love having been able to just witness your growth and expansion, and watch the discomfort that has come for you as well, because I think so many people can look at us and see us as confident and we got our shit together. But behind the scenes, we’re all just working through our own messes to continue to put our work out in the world.

Tara:
Yeah, you know, I’m reflecting this week. Oddly, you’re 200 episodes, I’m celebrating five years in podcasting. My podcast is five years old this this week, and I’m working on writing just some of my thoughts down around that. And I landed on this sentence that I didn’t start this podcast because I thought I was somebody, I started the podcast because I thought I was nobody.

Lisa
I remember when you started the podcast. I remember our Voxer interaction. And you feeling like you wanted to crawl into your bed and cry.

Tara:
I did crawl under the bed and cry. And I needed to like figure out like how the hell I was gonna regulate my nervous system. I was horribly dysregulated from that experience.
And so you know, I want to, you know, you started talking about how long you’ve been doing this, like how long you’ve been in business, because that’s kind of what you’re alluding to, because you’ve been in business for an incredibly long period of time. And when I first met you, you had already been in business, and you were just like, oh, there’s this thing on the internet where I can go and you know, like all women who were either employed by somebody else, you’re one of the, I think you’re probably one of my few clients at this point, who has always been self-employed. Although no, you said you had a job. You did have a job at one point.

Lisa:
Yeah way way way back in the day. We did sales back in the day, I did sales.

Tara:
Yeah. Right. But for the most part, you know, women, especially if they’re already in business, they’re like, Hey, there’s this thing called the internet. And I think it could make my life easier. I think it could help me make more money. I think the reality is, is that and this is where I’ve landed after, I don’t know, probably like eight years of ruminating about this. I’ve landed on what I think women actually want is a business that is fully remote. They don’t need to go into an office. A business that allows them to have a nonlinear work schedule. Meaning they can work for a few hours in the morning, they can go do some errands or grab a kid from somewhere and come back and work a few hours in the afternoon. And that they want their work to be largely asynchronous. They want to be able to do work that they can get paid for that’s not always face to face and in the day to day because listen, we’re deep thinkers. We’re transparent. We’re here for transformation. And that happens when we have space. And that happens when we have the ability to do some deep work. And so that just because we don’t have words or language for that, which I’ve just given you, I think people are like, I want an online business. And that’s actually the antithesis to what they actually want, as I believe you have found out. However, what I want to ask you, because I’m really curious-

Lisa:
You’re here to ask me.

Tara:
Yeah, what I really want to ask you because what I’m super curious about is, there’s a lot of change happening in the world right now. We’re living in a really dynamic time. And while I would like to say that, you know, women are thriving, I don’t think we are. I think we’re being impacted more by the volatility of the environment we’re in. And we have a lot on our plates. And we’re holding a lot. And so from your perspective, as somebody who has been working with women, I know you work with men too. But specifically, I want to talk about women. In the last, even seven years that we’ve known each other, what changes have you seen with women in relationship to maybe their goals and their desires?

Lisa:
That’s a really great question. So, you know, most of the women who come to me are in this place of overwhelm, doing all the things doing too many things. And whether they own a business or not, right, everything you’ve said about what it is we want out of an online business, which is actually the space the time, that’s actually what most women want period in their lives. It has nothing to do with running a business, that’s the overarching theme that people want. So, you know, it was really, it’s been really fascinating over the past couple years because we’ve had so many things to carry, so many more responsibilities, so many more things pulling on our energy. And more than anything, the women that I’m working with, just want some more space and more time, some more ease the ability to just take better care of themselves. But it’s hard for them to flip into that when they also are ambitious and driven, and they want the things. It’s almost like I get to have this, or I get to have this. And it’s about bringing them back to the space of you can have both. But that’s going to take some work in terms of prioritizing what you need to let go of, and getting really, really clear on what it is they want and what it is they need to move forward. And even that question, you know, when I asked people, when they asked my clients, you know, what do you want? That can be like the hardest question for people to answer, because they’ve never paused long enough to ask themselves what they want, because they’re too busy chasing the things that you know, chasing the goals that they have not even checking if that’s what they still want, or taking care of other people’s wants and needs. And you know, and then they get the like the bread crumbs, the scraps at the end of the day for themselves. And it’s flipping that around. So I don’t know if I answered that question right.

Tara:
I think we’re more tired. Yeah, there’s more noise. There’s more nonsense. Yeah, I think that we’re mentally tired. I think we’re emotionally tired. I think we’re physically tired. I know that, you know, I do a lot of high-touch Email connection stuff with people on my email list. And I send that maybe like, every month or six weeks or so like, just to check in, Hey, how’s it going? And I’ve been getting a lot of people who are responding like that they’re they’ve been sick, and that it’s taking them a long time to feel themselves again. And on top of already feeling fatigued, they’re now you know, now there’s this level of stress or, you know, they’re stressed about the economy, or they’re stressed about, you know, any number of things. So, you know… I don’t think it’s getting better, is what I’m saying. I think we’re just, I think honestly, we’re really at a point where people need to start making some decisions about who they want to be in the world.

Lisa:
Correct. And you know, what many people don’t understand is that high levels of stress, overwhelm anxiety that actually lowers your immunity, it lowers your body’s ability to fight off illness. And I talk a lot about there’s a really big difference between trying to avoid getting sick versus focusing on your wellness. And focusing on your wellness, that’s about I mean, it’s the basic stuff I just did an entire program on, you know, editing our energy and how we can give ourselves more energy and how we can release the things that are depleting our energy. And the basics of this, like the basic, the foundational things that people are missing, are getting enough rest, right? Like if you have less than five hours of sleep per night, you’re setting yourself up for illness and disease. It’s like, facts.

Tara:
Wait, can I quote you for a second?

Lisa:
Yes.

Tara:
And like Lisa loves to say a tired brain is an asshole.

Lisa:
Yes. So if you’re tired, you also have a really hard time navigating the itty bitty shitty committee that likes to run around and women’s head, right? The one that tells you that you’re not good enough, you’re not doing a good enough job. Who do you think you are? Right? We all have these kinds of sabotaging behaviors, you also can’t manage your family life properly, if you’re tired, you are much more reactive, like you just cannot manage your emotions if you are tired. And for most of us, you know that ability to be emotionally resilient, to actually be able to tune into what we’re feeling instead of being reactive to what’s happening around us so that we can make better decisions. That all hinges on how rested you are. If you’re not rested, good luck. Like, literally Good luck. The number one strategy for success, you know this, is rest, period. And it’s the thing that women are like, Oh, but I just need to stay up that extra hour, I’ve got one more thing to do, I want that time alone without my kids, because now they’ve gone to bed, not even recognizing that that is the one thing. Like you don’t need time away from your kids when you know how to emotionally regulate yourself and be present with them. Versus like just, you know, trying to get through the day. So rest, water, like can we drink a little bit more water people, you and I always joke about this, right? If you want more energy, drink more water. Make great choices about the type of food you’re putting in your body, it doesn’t mean you don’t get to eat, whatever treats whatever it is you want. But if you’re eating that kind of stuff all day long as well, that is going to impact how you’re feeling in your body. It’s impossible, I was talking about this yesterday. So many of the women I work with want to live from the neck up, they want to try and think their way through life, they want to try and do their way through life. Where in order to make the changes, in order to be able to really thrive in your life and feel good in your life, you have to move from neck down, you have to start being able to tune in and pay attention to how you’re feeling. That requires the rest in body it actually requires that you have a relationship with your body, which so many women, you know, they don’t. When you’re living from the neck up, you have no relationship with your body.

Tara:
You know, it’s interesting, you touched on the… women and wanting and desire. And that was a question that I had for you around our relationship to desire. Because I remember, probably back in 2014, I was starting my business I read Thinking Grow Rich. And I think it’s like chapter two is about desire. And I couldn’t get through the book, I stopped. Chapter Two threw me. I was like desire, huh? Why? No, I can’t do this, am I I shut the book. And I didn’t read it. And it wasn’t until like probably like 2015, 2016, where I have like this moment, I had like little vision and it was in a mastermind group, which is why the, you know, the work that you’re doing around the power of bringing women together in a group is so important because we can’t the human brain won’t function beyond what it knows. Right? Like, which is also why the questions you ask are really important is because we get stuck in a trench, like we just know, the neural pathways that we already have. And we keep digging ourselves deeper into the trenches that we already have but don’t ever branch out and try and create a new trench. So somebody on this call was talking about, you know, asking like, Well, what do you want? And I had like such an epiphany. And I was like, Oh, this is what I want. And I don’t remember what it was. But my business trajectory completely changed from that one. Oh, I want this. And of course, it’s changed, like 1001 times since that time that I said the thing that I wanted. But I haven’t stopped aligning with the things that I want and my desires. And so where are women with… am I a weirdo? Am I the only one who struggled with that? Are you seeing that?

Lisa:
I think a lot of I know a lot of the women that I work with struggle to acknowledge what it is they want. Never ask themselves that question. Just like they’ve never asked themselves the question of how do I feel today? They’ll ask other people, also other people what they want, they’ll ask other people how they feel but they don’t actually ask those questions for themselves and how can you make choices in your life, if you’re not moving towards a certain outcome that you want to create, like that point B, your want is kind of like that point B out here.
What’s fascinating though, is that also what can happen with desire is it can also keep you trapped. So if you remember, right, I was so attached to my dreams, I was so attached to my desires, that I couldn’t unhinge myself from, like, why they weren’t here yet. And that really kept me trapped for a long time. Because I was so focused on what I didn’t have that I wanted. So it’s kind of this, like, you have to find this middle ground of knowing what it is you want, making decisions that support you creating that outcome, but then not getting so hooked on them, that you get blind to being open to other perspective, other ways of moving forward. And looking at the things that are stopping. Because I was so focused on what I didn’t have, I was keeping myself in this place of like, not enough, lack scarcity, which then pushed my desires further away. So it really depends on the individual.
Yeah, it’s a very kind of nuanced question, because most women don’t know what they want. But then I also work with a lot of women who do know what they want. And they’re pissed off that it’s not here yet. And why isn’t it here, but they’re not prepared, or they don’t understand what it is they need to let go of in order to create it. And usually, the letting go is the letting go of like control or being perfect, like just start the podcast, write the thing, you know, reach out to the person and talk to them. So that is hard for my people to let go of control. They want what they want in the way that they want it, just like me. And that letting go piece is so so challenging, because if you’re not getting what you want, it has to do with the person that you’re being today. So what needs to change in you? And that can be really challenging, because many of them don’t see the thing that’s stopping them from getting what they want. You saw that in me, you could see what was stopping me from getting what I wanted. But I wasn’t interested in that feedback for a really long time. Because I was like Tara!

Tara:
Sometimes you’re still not.

Lisa:
Sometimes I’m still not, although I softened much faster now. Because I recognize because I feel it in my body when Tara’s triggered me, which is relatively frequently, pretty much every coaching call, I get off. And I’m like, you know, I’m cursing you under my breath. But I softened much faster, and make the shift that I need to because I know what that feels like in my body. So it’s a really, it’s very nuanced, depending on the individual. It’s very nuanced, depending on the individual.

Tara:
Well, so what I’m hearing you say, which I think is worth noting, especially given how the personal development space has, I don’t know, jumped the shark, it’s become…

Lisa:
It’s becoming a bit toxic, because yeah, keeping people trapped in this realm of there’s something wrong with them in their broken. So they’re always looking at self-development as a way to fix themselves.

Tara:
They’re trapping people in their heads.

Lisa:
Right. And what I said to a client the other day was, you know, self-development, when you stop looking at it from a perspective of, I need to fix something, something’s broken, and you start to come at it from a place of oh, self-development is just me being curious about me, me trying to deepen the relationship with myself, but there’s nothing that needs to be fixed.

Tara:
Personal Development is innate. In most humans, we evolve. It’s part of our species, right? And we evolve not because there’s anything wrong, but because we’re adapting to new stimuli. So what I’m hearing you say is that these concepts that you’re working with your clients on around desire, around wanting, around goals, around action steps, right, because when we get too into the Dream Big, science says our brain actually doesn’t work well under those conditions. And then we start to become ungrounded and can actually take the steps. What I’m hearing you say is that this takes time. There is no magic pill. There is no 497 course.

Lisa:
And you’re never done. And that’s not a bad thing, but it doesn’t mean you’re broken.

Tara:
That’s the beauty of being human.

Lisa:
We’re here to experience life and you’re going to have high highs, you’re going to have low lows and everything in between. So, you know, in my practice, it’s really focused on creating awareness. Right? So if somebody has this desire, and it’s not here yet, well, okay, well, what is happening for you? What do we need to uncover? What awareness do we need to create, and then usually following that awareness is a certain level of acceptance. You don’t have to like what’s going on in your life to move to a place of acceptance. And that acceptance actually allows you to soften and take different action. And in that action, that’s where you get to now become embody that new way of being. But so often self-help keeps people in this like, circle of like, awareness, just going around in this like puddle of awareness, but then not knowing how to move from awareness into-

Tara:
Change.

Lisa:
Action, or just moving from awareness into action, but without the acceptance piece. And if you don’t get the acceptance piece, you’re always gonna get pulled back to that old behavior, that old way of being, and then around and around. So, you know, my team has been working on this kind of like, funky spiral for my business to kind of give people a visual of what it is, or how I walk people through this process. But it’s, it’s like a spiral that just kind of keeps going almost like a DNA helix sort of thing, right? Like, you get to a new way of embodying and then life will be like, Oh, here’s a great lesson for you, you want to look at that. And then we start at the top again, right? And we go through, okay, what awareness do we need to create this work, this work takes so much time and for all the years I’ve been in, you know, personal development, which really got accelerated, you know, a decade ago with what went on with Macey. I like to look at my life now as there’s less boulders that I need to move. Right. So the big, really heavy lifting things like when I woke up to my codependency, that was epic, that was hard. That was like, that was hard for quite a few years. There’s less boulders to move now. And because I work from such a higher level of awareness, they’re like, I don’t want to say they’re pebbles, but there are a variety sizes of stones along my path. But there’s not as much heavy lifting anymore. And that’s really what this work does personal development can give you. But if you’re constantly feeling like everything is heavy rocks, then there’s a problem. In my opinion.

Tara:
Well, I think we’re creating a culture of people who want results without taking action.

Lisa:
Right there, mic drop moment. And that just doesn’t happen. Right? If you sit in awareness but you never take any action on that awareness, if you never show up differently in your life, nothing will change. And so you know, I’m not anti group programs, because obviously, I’m part of a really large transformational program. And I love the work that we do inside there. And people have to take that work out of the like, Facebook group in the communities, and they have to get out and live their lives, and practice the things they’re learning. They have to take action on that. So they can embody this new way of being. And that’s, you know, that’s a lot of the the work that I do with my clients is this. I like to call it like the detail work. You know, my clients already come to me with a certain level of awareness, they’ve been working on working on themselves for certain amount of time, but they’re still not seeing the results necessarily that they want in their life. So now they’re aware which now their pain is increased, because now they know they’re caught in their crap. And a big part of what I do is move them through that so that they can take action. So on the other side, they’re, you know, they’re different humans from, you know, I’ve got clients who are now like, Oh, my God, I am successful. Which is crazy, because to anybody else looking at them, they would have always said they were successful. I’ve got clients who now know what it feels like to celebrate their successes, who know how to have bold conversations, who know how to set boundaries for themselves. I mean, the fact that my clients, a client in my voxer, you know, she was just acknowledging that she was in a pattern and she was feeling shame. And I just stopped her I’m like, can we just acknowledge the fact that you can identify that you are feeling shame? And this is the behavior that ensues when you feel shame? And by talking to me about it, you’ve literally like cut it off at the knees. Like that’s powerful, right? Because now she’s able to self-coach. So my clients aren’t codependent on me to like, you know, I like to say we’re in partnership with each other and that to me is just so amazing that you know, after working with me, my clients really feel solid about what it means to trust themselves, stand on their own two feet, self-coach, self-guide, and they still love having support, as do I, right? Like, how many years have you and I been working together for, right? I still love having supportive coaches, even though I’ve got a very high level of awareness of myself, I’m still gonna have blind spots.

Tara:
Well, I think that’s also a sign of health. Because, you know, I was going to ask you, you know, what is the progress that you know, the women in your community are looking to make, because the reason why people stay in coaching is because there’s a next level of progress to make. And that doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong or broken, again, it means that you’re a human who is growth-oriented and evolves. And I think that’s a healthy, that’s a sign of a healthy person. So, you know, what is the progress that women who are around you are looking to make, like, what are women up to these days?

Lisa:
So when they’re working with me, they’re really looking at what it means to slow down, right? So they still want to be able to do the things they want to do. But how can they do that by slowing down? How can they really prioritize what they want? How can they stop the overwhelm, and the overdoing and the anxiety and really feel like they are running their lives instead of their lives running them? And so many people say they want more peace, peace and ease, right in their life, and they want to slow down. But when their feet are held to the fire to do those things, that’s when the discomfort comes in, and they can go back into the doing. That’s like when women are working with me, they have no choice but to stay present in the discomfort.

Tara:
Well, the reality is, and what I want to just summarize here, and what I, you know, I think we’re alluding to, but we’re not saying directly, so I want to say it directly. There is no peace and ease without discomfort and hard.

Lisa:
Correct. Yeah.

Tara:
So you can’t peace an ease way to peace and ease. You have to sit in the discomfort and do the work. And then on the other side of that is peace and ease, which for some reason gets not communicated properly.

Lisa:
No, clients argue with me about, you know, I say, I want you to check yourself into a hotel room for a couple nights, give yourself a break from your family, your work, like all you get to do, you can sleep you can order room service, you can watch Netflix, you read a book, you can read journal, take bubble baths, I don’t give a shit. But I just want you to like check out of your life, so that you can be present with yourself. And the tantrums that they have about that. until they’ve spent two days in a hotel. And then they’re like, oh my god, this is what it feels like. But you would have thought that I was telling them to chew off their own arm by booking a night at a hotel.

Tara:
This is a really interesting one because I remember when I was working with you, I really struggled a lot with like if my husband were to travel, like I would have a really hard time sleeping. Or like when we were apart, like I would become really dysregulated I don’t know if it was like that I didn’t feel safe. I think that’s part of it. Maybe like I got into my stories around stuff when he wasn’t around or whatever. And it was really difficult for me to be apart from him. It’d be exhausting things. I’d be up all night, literally up all night like not able to sleep and just kind of spinning out. And many, many, many years later at this point. He has traveled this month, three weeks out of the four and I am enjoying the heck out of myself. And before he had left, I was away for a few days. So we have seen each other very minimally. You know I think I probably also had the shit around like I’m unlovable What if he leaves me Who would want me like right like that kind of stuff.

Lisa:
A lot of codependent kind of ties.

Tara:
100 percent. We, you know, it’s especially considering how long we’ve been together and the ages we were when we get got together. We’re practically highschool sweethearts. And so now I’m like, Oh my gosh, this is amazing. Thank God, he’s gone. Love you, will be thrilled when you come back. And at the same time, here are all the things that I’m going to enjoy the hell out of that you’re gone. And as a matter of fact, I think that since you just spent two, three out of the four weeks traveling, and that put an awful lot on my plate. I’m going to probably pick some time where I’m going to go away for an extended period of time without you. And, and that’s not coming from a place of me feeling bitchy or resentful, or anything. It’s a place of me coming from, I’m going to advocate for equity in this relationship.

Lisa:
Right? What is it that you want? What do you need? Yeah, like, you know, I’ll be going away for 10 days, and Macy’s like, Oh, my God, you’re going away for 10 days, like, you’ll be fine, you’ll be fine. Because when he went away, I recognized how much work it was not having him around. So he went and did a little surfing trip, to have a couple days to himself, like, this is how we operate in a healthy relationship, we don’t have to cling to each other for that safety or to feel like our partner is giving us everything that we need. Your partner’s job isn’t to give you everything you need, your job is to figure out what it is you need, and to fill those needs. So your partner plays a role in it, right? We have to coexist within these relationships. But when we get too hooked into our partners, we lose our identity. And so many of the women I work with, and I would say the majority of women out there period, struggle with who they are without their husbands, partners, kids, job title, right? Like we’ve wrapped ourselves up in all these things. And unhinging from all of that, and coming home to well, who are you without all of those things, is so powerful as well, it’s so freeing.

Tara:
I don’t have the capacity anymore for what I had capacity for a few years ago. And, you know, I really been giving us a lot of thought, and I don’t know if it’s my age, I’m 46. So I don’t know if it’s my age, because it’s like not that I’m getting old, but like, just don’t have the giddy-up I had when I was 18. You know, come on, that actually happens. I have more responsibility now than I had before. Also, the world is fucked. Okay. Um, let’s just say that, we can. And there’s just so there’s, there’s dynamics happening in my body, there’s dynamics happening in my relationship, there’s dynamics happening in the world around us. And I’m like, I don’t have the capacity for this anymore. And it’s those moments where I kind of break down. That I really appreciate, and I love and I love it for business owners too, because it forces constraint. Do you remember when I said do you have a high threshold for pain?

Lisa:
That I had a high threshold for pain?

Tara:
Yeah.

Lisa:
Yeah. And I thought it was a compliment? And you’re like, Lisa, that is not a compliment. I would like, oh, yeah, that was a real gut-punch moment.

Tara:
Yeah. Because, you know, and this is so relevant, because you’re asked in your clients are like, what are we tolerating?

Lisa:
Exactly. So I was so attached to my struggle, and my suffering, my identity was so wrapped up in that. But you know, something that you said, which I think is really interesting, is that you don’t have the capacity now to do the things you used to do. Right? Or at that level. And I’m the same, like when I think about how many hours I used to work and all the plates that I spun, right. I think now like, how could I, how did I do that? Like, I literally think, how is that possible. But in doing the work that you’ve done in doing the work that I’ve done on ourselves, it’s not that we don’t have the capacity to hold more, because we do actually have the capacity to hold more. We just don’t have the capacity to hold all the bullshit that we used to hold based on unhealthy behaviors and beliefs that we had.

Tara:
Yeah, I actually think you’re onto something. So like, you are all hearing insights and awareness in real-time here if you’re listening to this. So I think you’re right, I think what it is is not capacity. It’s tolerance. So I have the same capacity, I’m just choosing to use it differently. And I no longer have the tolerance for certain things. And here’s actually the interesting thing, it’s not a mental tolerance, I’m not trying to mentally tough it out, it is in my body. My body is like why we’re not going there. Like I can feel in my body, the scars of overwork. The scars of overwork, and I’m like, um, and like you know, like sometimes you have a scar and it gets like hot or itchy or like something right? It like yeah, you have the scar tissue. It’s like that scar tissue starts to get activated. And I’m very uninterested in reopening the wound and creating a new scar.

Lisa:
Exactly.

Tara:
But if I wasn’t in touch with my body.

Lisa:
That’s right, you would not know that.

Tara:
I would not know that.

Lisa:
Yeah. And that’s what I mean about this like, less tolerance. Like, I know what it feels like in my body if I even start to cross that line into overworking. I can feel it. And the last time when Macey went away for a week, I don’t even know if I told you about this week, but it was one of those weeks, like if it could go wrong, if it would go wrong, it could go wrong, or however that saying is, you know, Jake got forgot at school and flat tires and all this kind of stuff. And even though I was calm, right, like I was mentally calm, I wasn’t losing my mind. You know, I was just like, alright, let’s just, you know, deal with it. Stay calm, I could feel my body reacting to everything. Like I could feel that level of stress going up. So even though I was calm in my mind, my body was like, how do I say this, it’s like, our bodies always know what’s going on. Our bodies are always going to be working to regulate. And I did not like the feeling in my body.

Tara:
Which is, which is why we numb our bodies.

Lisa:
Which is why we numb. So I didn’t need them just stay present to it. Because that’s the thing that tells me Okay, how are we going to shift this? But if I had gone into even a more reactive state, I would have turned up the volume on that even more. So, yeah, like, I don’t have the tolerance anymore for like people get into saying yes too often. Like you’re not a yes person anymore. But once upon a time, you were a yes person.

Tara:
So okay, so I’ll be I’ll be completely honest. And say that, um, you know, you were talking about rocks and pebbles and like, you don’t have the boulders, but you have like different sized rocks? Yeah. So the way I kind of see that is, over the years, I’ve developed a process for addressing stuff like we all do, like, oh, this happened that time. And this is what worked. And so you know, or this is a boundary that I created, or, you know, I remember I recognize this feeling. And this is how it went the last time or whatever. So I’ll say that I move things through things a lot quicker. You’re saying they’re not as heavy. I’m saying I move things through things more rapidly at times, depending on what it is. But it could be the first time because once you start excavating there’s just another layer of Earth to pull up. But you’re pulling it up with new skills, right? Like this is really skilled skill building that you’re doing. And so I can still find myself saying yes to things, but they’re not the same things I said yes to in the past. And now it’s a new yes, that needs to become a no.

Lisa:
Right. And you know how to tune in about whether or not that yes, is coming from a place of like you understand your intention behind it, as opposed to just saying yes, to say yes, because you don’t know how to say no.

Tara:
Yeah, so recently, let me tell you something, teenagers and phones and the ability to text you. I had to push that high Bosch on that shit.

Lisa:
Yeah, I, my kids know that if it’s something important they need to talk to me about don’t text me, I’m not having emotional conversations with you. Or there’s a lot of things that we don’t do via text, they have to call me and if they don’t have the courage to call me then don’t ask.

Tara:
So for me and my son, it’s, you know, we have ADHD, and it’s like the, it’s impulsivity. So it’s like things that could wait, but he needs adressed now because of his impulsive neurodivergent brain. And I’m always irritated at my husband, like he put his phone on, like Do Not Disturb during the day. And like, everybody can just fuck off after that. And I’m like, we both run businesses. We are both parents. This is not equitable. And then, like, I just can’t get through. So I’m like, okay, my phone’s going on Do Not Disturb now, too. And so I said to my kids, because you know, this is a mother’s like worst fear is that like some kind of emergency is going to happen. Let me tell you something in all my years of parenting, my children have never really had a true emergency that they’ve needed, thankfully, true emergency that they’ve needed to contact me. But also I have two parents who both live locally who have all the time in their retired lives and days to be on call if there was actually a true emergency. So I just said to the kids like listen, from this time to this time my phone is going to be on Do Not Disturb and from this time to this time my phone is going to be on Do Not Disturb. If you need something, and it is a true emergency, call your grandfather, call your grandmother.

Lisa:
You’re preaching to the choir because I have no notifications turned on in my phone and I never had.

Tara:
I don’t have notifications on my phone either. But this was like the last bastion for me because it’s my you know, it’s I’m a mom, it’s my kids, right? But this is what we tell ourselves. And then I’m finally like, I’m done.

Lisa:
Yep.

Tara:
The tolerance level. You’ve killed me when you email and when you text me one word text messages. Oh, my God. Mother. What are you doing?

Lisa:
Oh, Aleister.

Tara:
Avery.

Lisa:
Oh, Avery, this was Avery.

Tara:
Avery. No, we’re done now. And like that, but that was my tolerance, right? Like and my body was like, can’t do it. Yeah. And there’s no point in me getting up in John’s face about it, because you want to know what I’m just mad that he puts his phone on Do Not Disturb. And I don’t.

Lisa:
Correct. And this is again, the discomfort you had to work through the discomfort of setting this boundary, being in the stories of like, I’m not a good mom, or whatever they were for you.

Tara:
Why can’t he just give me what I need? Why can’t he just take his phone off Do Not Disturb? Doesn’t he realize how important my business is? Doesn’t he give a shit about my goals? That selfish bastard? No, it’s none of those things. It’s a Tara, put your phone on Do Not Disturb.

Lisa:
Exactly. It’s the Take Back Your power. Because this is th,e if they would just behave the way I want them to, then I would get to feel better. And when you work through those stories and the discomfort now your phone’s on, do not disturb you can do whatever you want. I’ve told my kids like, if it’s an emergency call 911. I will get back to me at some point through some channel. But chances are even if there is an emergency.

Tara:
I can’t do anything.

Lisa:
What am I going to do, I’m going to split their leg if it’s broken, like I can’t do that. So as a mom, it’s probably better if there’s an emergency that I get there a little bit behind the emergency so that somebody else already has it handled. And I’ll and I’ll be there. But so often we equate, you know, there’s so many stories that women have running about what it means to be, you know, a good mom and what letting go of those things would mean about them. And at the end of the day, you know, if you want to feel better in your life, you’re gonna have to draw some boundaries, and you’re gonna have to love yourself, as much as you love your kids. As much as you love your dogs, you know, like you have to start to make your time and your energy a priority.

Tara:
And I know that like we just made that like really humorous, and we made it like really light right. And like we took us five minutes to chit chat through that. But that is something that has taken years of coaching.

Lisa:
Yes.

Tara:
Presence, space, tenacity.

Lisa:
Yes, that’s been a really big thing for you. And everybody has their thing. This is coming back to that, you know, what do you need to let go of, it’s always about the things you need to let go of, in order to create what it is you want for yourself.

Tara:
Yep. What’s the most prevalent theme that you’re witnessing right now? Among your clients?

Lisa:
That’s a good question, too, the most prevalent theme? I think, right now, it’s that the simplest things have the biggest impact. So even though you know many of my clients have been with me for a significant amount of time, it’s coming back to the basics that we talked about. Where they’re dropping the ball on their sleep, where they’re dropping the ball on what it means to care for themselves, where they’re dropping the ball on what they’re tolerating. Right, where they’re dropping the ball on managing their energy and really taking responsibility for that. It’s the basic, basic, foundational things that we’re coming back to right now and where we’re really spending a lot of time focusing because they understand that when they really manage and learn to master how to navigate their energy, and their emotional state and their emotional well being, that they actually get more of what they want in life.

Tara:
That’s really what it’s about, isn’t it mastery, and most people don’t have the tolerance or the threshold for that.

Lisa:
Not because they want it right now doesn’t happen that way. My God, it took me like, years and years to learn to slow down. I mean, when I was told that I needed to slow down more, I started to cry. I still remember that. I’m like, what do you want me to slow down more, and I burst into tears, it, there was a lot of years of discomfort around slowing, slowing down. And disbelief, that if I did less, that I could create more of what I wanted in my life, I had no frame of reference for that. So to build up those beliefs that I could have more of what I wanted, while taking better care of myself, because I always thought I was somebody who took good care of myself, and many of my clients do take good care of themselves. But that’s subjective, because if it’s in a long list, a long laundry list of one more thing to do, is it really you caring for yourself? Or is it just another doing activity as opposed to really what they need in order to feel really good?

Tara:
Well, I think that’s a big transition for people is going from what they think self-care is to what self-care actually is.

Lisa:
Yeah. Right, like so even if we look at you, your health has gone through many different stages and transitions. And one of the things that I’ve really loved about you and watching your journey is, you’ve learned over the years how to tune into what does your body really need right now? Like, does it need you on the peloton for 60 minutes? Or does it need you to do stretchy mobility work, which we both talked about is you know, relatively boring.

Tara:
It is super boring. Talking about sitting in on in discomfort, right?

Lisa:
But like this, you’ve learned that it’s not about just pushing your body to do shit, because that’s what self-care is, or that’s what taking care of yourself is it’s being able to really dial into, you know, what your body needs right now. And when I was in Taloom, my coach said to me, and I thought that was really fascinating, because, you know, she works with a lot of women very similar to me, you know, A-type, go-getters. And she said, you know, Lisa, you are one of the few of my clients who takes a regular deload, meaning I take, I don’t care about the dog, this is we have grilled chicken in the background before, right. But she said, you’re one of the few women who actually takes a true deload, meaning I take a week or more off of the gym, no lifting, not lift less, which is what most of our clients do, they’ll take a deload, but they’ll lower the volume, whereas I just like shut it down, sleep in, right, go for walks, stretch, do nothing. And that actually reignites my love of lifting, it accelerates my performance, and my body really needs that true rest. And I don’t get any. Like, look at me, look at me that I can just keep pushing through because the gym for many years was a place that I numbed out. But I got to wear it like, I’m so awesome look at me pushing in the gym. Whereas now I don’t. I take those regular deloads. And I know most women won’t because they want to, they’ll do less. But they won’t give themselves that break because of the meaning that they’ve wrapped around taking time off.

Tara:
Yeah, we’ve been conditioned for a lot of crap.

Lisa:
Right? And nothing bad happens if you take a week off. nothing bad happens if you take two weeks off. So you know, the type of women that I work with, typically are very committed people. Bravo, I love good commitment. But we have to redefine what commitment is what are you really committed to? Are you really committed to taking care of yourself because that commitment might mean you have to take time off. So we have to look at how much of our identity has gotten tied up into commitments and how that can actually keep us trapped from giving ourselves the things that we need. Right like I’ve often talked to you about self integrity can sometimes feel like a noose around my neck because I don’t want to break promises to myself. But at the end of the day, the person the thing that I need to be most in integrity with is my well-being and sometimes that means being out of integrity with some of the other things I said I was going to do. So it’s again, you know, a lot of the women I work with, they want it to be like this linear thing, like these are the boxes and I’m gonna tick the boxes and it’s softening the edges of that and give bringing nuance to the conversation about what it means to be committed what it means to care for ourselves what it means to regulate our nervous systems, and really what self-care looks like. Because self-care is really just an extension of how much you’re prepared to love yourself. And that’s even a whole I mean, that’s a whole other cluster of a conversation, right? And self-love can get into this, like, people don’t really understand. Of course, I love myself. No, your life and how you treat yourself really shows you that you don’t.

Tara:
What’s one action you would like your audience to take from listening to this episode?

Lisa:
Tara with the questions coming in hot, I usually am like, able to answer things. I’m like, what is the one action? That is a really great question. I think first and foremost, if you’re listening to this, which I know most of my listeners are, and you’re a woman who is constantly doing all the things, I would love for you to take an inventory of just one day of your life. And what, once you write down all the things you do, what are five things you can take off of that list? And just sit in the discomfort of what it would mean, if you took those things off of your list. The second action that I would tell them to take is if you’re really struggling with this and the discomfort, jump on my calendar and book a call. Because that’s really how I can support people is, you know, having these deep conversations and taking you to that place that you don’t even know you need to go to. Because for most people, like when they write that list of all the things they do, then they look at it and go, it’s impossible for me to move anything off of there. And I know it’s not impossible, you just don’t know where you’re getting stuck. And the discomfort of letting things go can be so intense for people to work through. So that’s probably the best thing is to jump on my calendar. And they can just, I’ll put the link in the show notes of where people can do that.

Tara:
When you went into have two things, I was like, I’m gonna yell at her because I asked for one. But that may be a good call to action to get on your calendar. And I was like I’ll let her have it.

Lisa:
Well, I want people to take an inventory and see how much stuff they’re doing. Because most people don’t realize it, you know?

Tara:
Listen, here’s the fact of the matter. We’re just gonna get into a little bit of marketing speak right now. 85% of the people listening to this podcast aren’t a right fit for your offer. Nope, sorry, 75% 50 to 75% of the people listening to this podcast episode, you know, these podcasts are just not the right fit for your offer. And that’s okay. Right, they’re more than welcome to listen and all that jazz. 85% of what’s left is going to work with you at some point. But 15% of the people who are listening to this podcast right now are like I need to work with Lisa, I have an urgent pressing situation that she can help me with, I might be a little afraid I might have some hesitations and concerns. Lisa can be a little intimidating, we know. But I promise you, she’s not. And so there’s 15% of the people listening to this podcast right now, who absolutely 100% know, they need to be booking a call with you. And so for that 15% I want them to go and book that call.

Lisa:
That’s amazing. I should just have you on the podcast every week.
I knew you were going to be the perfect person to have this conversation with and to just celebrate these 200 episodes. I think we went all over the place in this episode, which is kind of cool, too.

Tara:
Typical.

Lisa:
Typical. These are our conversations inbox where they kind of bounce around from all the things. So Tara, where can my listeners go find you because you’ve got some really phenomenal tools that you support women with, especially women who are, you know, committed to paying themselves?

Tara:
Yes. So if you are a female expert, you have a specialty in the world. And you are running a service-based business and you are selling things at a premium, or you want to sell things at a premium price point. These are who we work with. Then I want you to come over to the boldleadershiprevolution.com/revenue and pick up our revenue goal calculator and what that’s going to do is it’s going to reverse engineer your revenue goal based on how much you need to pay yourself. And it is like magic and it is the best place to start. So you’re going to plug in some of your monthly expenses and then it’s going to annualize it and it’s going to tell you how much we need to pay yourself every year and then it’s going to, using profit First because I’m a Profit First certified consultant, using Profit First math, it’s going to tell you what your revenue goals should be, how much you’ll have to pay yourself how much you need to set aside for taxes, and how much you’ll have for your expenses in your business.

Lisa:
This calculator changed my life.

Tara:
It’s a hot little number.

Lisa:
Yeah. And honestly tears coaching around Profit First for me, which I went into kicking and screaming, as I do with pretty much every suggestion she gives me. And then I do the thing, and then it all works out, so I’ve learned, really changed the trajectory of my business was really, really powerful. So Tara, I adore you, thank you for being here. Thank you for being friend, coach, colleague. For all the wisdom you bring into my life. I’m so grateful for you. And it was super fun doing this episode with you.

Tara:
Big congratulations to you. Thanks for having me.

Lisa:
Thank you. And I will see you guys or you’ll hear me on the next episode.
Hey, Full Frontal living listeners. I have openings on my calendar to work with you one to one so if you have been waiting for the right time to start coaching with me that time is now. So before you do anything else, head over to my website, lisacarpenter.ca/wwm and book your coaching session with me. Anything is possible. Anything is possible from that one-hour session. So I will see you soon on my calendar and I can’t wait to meet you and support you becoming the best version, the healthiest version, the happiest version of you.