Episode 204: Are You Being Responsible For The Right Things?

Today on the Full Frontal Living podcast, we’re gonna be talking about responsibility. But are you being responsible for the right things? So, grab a cup of coffee, put your headphones in. And let’s get started.

Welcome to the Full Frontal Living Podcast. I’m Lisa Carpenter, master life coach to driven ambitious humans who want more out of life without having to sacrifice themselves to achieve it all share how it’s possible to slow down, take better care of yourself, find more peace and ease, create sustainable energy, stop procrastination and overwhelm and fall in love with your life, your business and your body. This podcast is for you, if you’re ready to learn what it takes to thrive as a high performer, do less but achieve more make you and your well being a top priority and create your extraordinary life. I’m so glad you’re here.

So are you being responsible for the right things? If you are like most of my clients, and even me, what you may have noticed in your life is you’re responsible for a lot of things. The women that I work with typically are juggling a lot of balls, they are successful, established, driven, ambitious women who have a lot on their plate as probably you if you’re tuning into this podcast, and when I say the word responsibility, you might even kind of let on an audible groan and think, Oh God, Lisa, I’m responsible for so many things. But have you ever taken a step back and really done an inventory of what specifically you’re responsible for. And if you need to be responsible for all those things. So I’m going to read this to you because many of my clients end up being in this role of caretaking. Now, I am a caring person, you if you’re listening or obviously a caring person, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. But I think it’s so important as we’re going on this journey of self awareness and self development and changing our patterns so that we can live this more balanced life, we have to look at the difference between caring versus caretaking. And how that leads us into being overly responsible for things that are not your responsibility. So caretaking is the act of taking responsibility for other people, while neglecting responsibility for ourselves. When we instinctively feel responsible for the feelings, thoughts, choices, problems, comfort, and destiny of others, we are caretakers. So in listening to that, how many of you just caught your breath, and went holy crap, I’m a caretaker without even realizing it. So if you believe you know, better, you know better for somebody than they know for themselves, that it’s easier for you to just do it yourself, then have other people do it. And that basically, if you don’t do it for people, whoever that may be your kids, your spouse, your co-workers that things are just gonna like go to hell in a handbasket. This episode is really for you. Because what we’re saying when we’re caretaking other people is that we don’t believe that they’re capable of caring for themselves. And what that does to us, is it enforces this belief that we know what’s best.

But how do you know what’s best for somebody else? And you could say, Well, Lisa, I’ve got all this proof and done it up, people come to me for advice. But let me ask if you were in their shoes, and somebody said to you that they knew what was best for you. How would you receive that? So again, like I want you to be a caring person I want you to you know, be there for your friends, be there for your family, but what is that line in the sand when it crosses into caretaking? So the big thing to look at is are you giving yourself the same care and attention and love that you are giving to everybody else because when we are constantly caretaking other people the other thing that is happening is you are looking for your sense of self, your value your worthiness, in being the person that is extra responsible, who can manage all the things and if that was taken away from you, who would you be? And this is what keeps so many of the women that I work with trapped because they want more time for themselves. They want to Put more of a focus on their own well-being emotionally, physically whatever it may be. But when push comes to shove, and I’m starting to ask them to look at these patterns of caretaking and let it go, they struggle to feel like how am I going to feel good if I’m not taking care of everybody else, because they wrap their identity so much in the doing of all the things for everybody else, it’s where they gain their self-importance, that can be really, really complicated to unwrap this.

And I remember when, you know, I had to go away for my you know, I was going to rehab, rehab camp is what I called it. It was for the, you know, partners, parents, of people who had gone to rehab. So in this case, it was my hubby who was in rehab. And I was going in for my group program, which as I’ve said in previous episodes was to learn about I thought it was to learn about my addict and how to support him. And it basically was Lisa getting her ass handed to her on a silver platter, because it was more about me learning how to not caretake. But so I had a real good dose of this before I went because I got I guys, I got into an argument with my therapist, because I had this laundry list of things that I said I needed to do before I could leave which included, you know, getting all the meals done the grocery shopping, like not like, you name it. And I felt like I needed to be responsible for it. And I remember he said to me, no, Lisa, just pack your bag, and go. And I thought, well, I can’t like this is this is my role, this is my responsibility. And he said, Lisa, it’s not your responsibility unless you make it your responsibility. You know, at this time, my hubby was not in rehab anymore, he was at home. And he was more than capable of taking care of this stuff. But I was still working from the belief that he wasn’t. And I needed to get everything off the plate because you know what his mental health be okay? Would my kids be okay, if they were left at home, like I just needed to do everything to make his life as easy as possible. And part of the learning here was that in my attempt to make his life as easy as possible, I was making his life harder. So in my over functioning, doing all the things being overly responsible in his life, he’d learned how to be less responsible and under function.

Now, I didn’t teach him this, you know, of course, he grew up in an environment where this was learned, I grew up in an environment where over-functioning was kind of learned, right, I’m gonna do all the things so that I feel good about myself so that you like me. And we need to like, when we’re in partnerships with people, we can always see our patterns, because they’re often going to mirror back the opposite for us. So oftentimes, we’re on one side of the extreme or the other one, we’re when we’re looking at doing this inner work. So here, I am fighting for all these responsibilities, and my therapist was just like, get on the ferry and go, Lisa, you’re going to be fine. Everybody’s going to be fine. And that’s really when I bumped up so hard against the story of like, well, if these things aren’t my responsibility, then what is my role? And what is my importance in the family? Then I went down the rabbit hole of like, well, what would they love me for? And it was really, I really, that really stuck with me, like, Oh, my God, Lisa, have you really put all your value you think your entire value to your family is in all the things you do for them. I hadn’t put any value in who I was being as a person, or the fact that they loved me just because I was their mom, I didn’t need to like, earn their love or earn my place in the family. But that part of me that believed that I wouldn’t be important if I wasn’t doing all the things if I wasn’t being overly responsible if I wasn’t getting into all of this caretaking. So because I was so responsible for all the things no wonder I wasn’t properly taking care of myself.

But I was so the irony is right, like I was so responsible. I was still being responsible for my health. I was still getting my workouts done. I was juggling all the things like I was not gonna let any balls drop. I wasn’t gonna let your balls drop. I wasn’t gonna let my balls drop. Sounds kind of funny as it comes out of my mouth. But you get what I’m saying. So I was in such this place of like over functioning even for myself. Of course I ended up in burnout with adrenal fatigue, because I didn’t have any time to give myself to rest because when you’re overly responsible for everybody else, oh, my God, there’s not enough hours in the day for all of that. There’s not enough hours in the day, so caretaking doesn’t work. It has hurts us. And it hurts the people that we’re trying to help. At the end of the day, right, we’re trying to help them, but we’re actually hurting them, we’re taking away their personal power, in an attempt to find our own power and importance. So the kindest thing that you can do for yourself, is to prioritize yourself and be responsible for your own stuff.

So you’ve probably heard me say this before, if you’ve been listening for a while, but I talked about drawing a circle outside of your feet. Everything inside the circle is your responsibility, how you take care of yourself how you think and feel about yourself, that is your responsibility. Unless they are minor children, right, because we do have a responsibility for taking care of our children, unless they are minor children, other people are capable of finding their own way, even if you don’t believe that they are capable of finding their own way. And whether they are or not, is none of your business. So where can you draw that line in the sand where you’re caring, but you’re not caretaking. And trust me, when I say when you stop doing all the things for other people, you will be surprised at how they begin to show up for themselves. Or you’ll watch them be in that place of frustration as they figure it out. But that is their job is to figure it out. The flip side is your job. And the discomfort that you’re going to be sitting in is in learning to do less. And that’s just as uncomfortable as it is for the person who’s learning to do more and be more responsible.

So you know, there’s a saying around responsibility that if it’s meant to be it’s up to me. And I love that, and I hate it at the same time. Because the other problem that we can get into when we are working from this overly responsible, I know better than anybody else, and I’m here to take care of everybody else is that we also prevent ourselves from asking for and receiving help. So we love to give help. But we don’t like to ask for help. And listen, if you’re not willing to ask for help. What you’re really doing is judging people who asked for help. You would say oh my god least I’m not judging people who asked for help. I totally I don’t mind if they ask for help. I love ask I love when people ask me for help. I love helping. I hear you, I understand. But please hear me when I say if you’re not willing to ask for and receive help. There is a part of you that is judging other people for asking for and receiving help. So if it’s meant to be it’s up to me, also includes being responsible for asking for the support that you need, and being willing to receive it. Because when we block asking for help, not only are we judging people who do ask for help, but it is also a reflection of how we think and feel about yourself how you think and feel about yourself. And what you may not realize is that inability to receive is often a reflection of how how little value we place on ourselves, that we’re not even worthy of receiving from somebody else. Okay, so your lack of ability to receive can be a like is correlated with low self-esteem. Even though you might be walking around feeling like you’re a confident badass, that’s great. But if you can’t receive that says a lot about how you think about yourself.

So again, it’s, you know, where is that judgment? Where do you believe that you’re not worthy and deserving of receiving something? And I’m talking about like, as simple as a compliment. Like, if somebody says, Oh, my God, you look so amazing today. And you say, well, thank you, you look amazing, too. Right? It’s like you receive it, and then it bounces off of you and back at the other person, instead of just saying thank you. And being in the discomfort of fully receiving that allowing that yourself to be in that place. Receiving is something I have worked on for a long time as a recovering, you know, overdue or overly responsible person, the over giver over caretaker, and I can tell you when I was in Sedona, and it was my birthday, and I was surrounded by these beautiful women and you know, one of my spiritual mentors and on my birthday, they made me an amazing dinner. And then they sang happy birthday to me. In Spanish. It was a it was a birthday song in Spanish. I don’t even know what the words were. It was amazing. It was beautiful. And I remember they got through verse one, and I was sitting there just allowing myself to receive it but fully aware of even the discomfort that I was feeling, right, so they get to the end of verse, the verse, and I’m expecting, it’s going to end and they go into a second verse. And I just sit there receiving with all receiving all of this love from all of these women and my spiritual mentor, and just receive it and the discomfort that I was in, and I was aware of it. And I was like, let it go, Lisa, like, allow yourself to receive all this love, allow yourself to receive all this attention, be present to it. Just let it in. Just fully, you know, bask in it, marinate in it.

And if you’re listening to this episode, and you’re literally crawling out of your skin, thinking, Oh my God, if that was me, I would die. That’s why I’m recording this episode. Because I want you to understand, I want you to see that part of you that isn’t allowed to feel that way that isn’t allowed to receive that, you know, anything, whether it’s a gift, whether it’s a thank you, but where are you pushing that away. And if you’re listening to this podcast, because you want to create a more balanced life, you want to slow down, you want to be able to do less, you want to enjoy your life, you want to be able to create more all of those things. We have to look at emotionally where you’re out of balance, where you’re getting into behaviors that are limiting you from fully being all that you are for fully being, and having everything that you came to this planet to have.

So as we wind down this episode, I want you to really take an inventory of all the things you believe you’re responsible for. And after you’ve taken that inventory, I want you to look at the list and get honest with yourself, like be real. What things on that list? Can you delegate to somebody else? Or can you delete altogether and just say, No, I’m not doing this anymore? What things when you think of delegating them, or deleting them make you feel like guilty or shameful? Because those are the ones we want to work through. Right? Like maybe it’s not driving your kids to school every day and getting a carpool with somebody else, or not not being the primary driver for all the sporting events. Maybe it’s telling your kids that you’re not going to do so many sporting events, right? I don’t know, it’s up to you. But the point of this episode is to get you to look at this list of all these things you’re responsible for. And really take a step back and say which ones do I need to delegate? Which things do I need to delete? And what things do I need to be responsible for and you better be on that list. How you want to care for yourself needs to be on that list. Because if you’re looking for better health, more energy, more vitality, but you’re not prioritizing and being responsible for what you need to take care of to have those things, you’ll never have those things. So if you’re like me, and you’re getting older every single day, do you want to look back 10 years from now and wish Damn, I wish I’d been more responsible about taking care of my health and getting to the gym. And, you know, making sure that I was eating foods that supported me aging well, because you can’t go back in time. You can’t there’s no rewind button on life. So what you are responsible for did today will create your tomorrow, and your next month, and your next year. So you’ve got to get discerning about what you’re willing to be responsible for. And if your list is filled with other people, and you’re realizing after listening to this episode, being honest with yourself, like holy crap, I’m responsible for everybody else, because I do think that I’m better than them or I know better. Or you’re realizing like, what is it that’s causing me to believe you need to be responsible for everybody. Because I guarantee you, you weren’t put on this planet to caretake the entire population or even you know, people in your immediate or extended family. There is a balance, you get to care for the people in your life. But when it crosses into caretaking, and you have no more time for yourself, then it becomes a real problem. So I’m a really big believer in responsibility because when we truly direct that energy, to the right things, the things that support us thriving, that’s when your life changes. But when you’re directing your responsibility and commitments, they’re all about other people, places things. You’re going to always be on the losing side of the game.

As always, and this podcast is about helping you thrive and live a very vital life and create more balance so that you could do more of the things that you love more of the things that are important for you. So if that is you, and you’ve been really struggling with your energy, you’ve been struggling with being overly responsible for things that you know, you shouldn’t be responsible for, but you find yourself back in these patterns of caretaking people. Or maybe you’re just realizing it on this podcast that you didn’t, you didn’t understand how deep that ran, please make sure you get onto the wait list for the next iteration of the energy audit. We have started a waitlist Lisacarpenter.ca/energy, you can hop on there, it’s probably going to go into presale in the next coming weeks. So you don’t want to miss that because there’s going to be a very, very sweet bonus. For those of you who sign up early. I’ve never offered this before, so you’re not going to want to miss that. So again, Lisacarpenter.ca/energy to get on the waitlist.

If this episode resonated with you, please drop over to Instagram hop in my DMs. share with me what you learned what you took away. And I look forward to being back next week on another episode. We also have something really super special coming up in the works that I’m really, really pumped about. So I’m going to keep that on the down low right now. And as soon as it is ready for you. If you are subscribed to this podcast, you will be one of the first people to know because I will be announcing it here. So keep your ears open for that. In the coming weeks. It’s going to be epic, epic, epic, epic. And I can’t wait. So until the next episode, be responsible for you. Get clear on what it is you want in your life. What you need to let go of, and trust me, everybody else is going to be fine. And you’re still going to be loved. And yeah, that’s all I got. That’s all I got. So we’re gonna end it here. Otherwise, I’m just going to keep going and going and going. And we don’t need to do that. Alright, so I will catch you over on the next episode. Thanks for listening.