EPISODE 317: Redefining Success During Life’s Biggest Transitions (Live Coaching with Kasia)

00:00:00:00 - 00:00:27:14
Lisa
Welcome to the Full Frontal Living Podcast. I'm Lisa Carpenter, master life Coach, two driven, ambitious humans who want more out of life without having to sacrifice themselves to achieve it. I'll share how it's possible to slow down, take better care of yourself, find more peace and ease, pressure to sustainable energy, stop procrastination and overwhelm and fall in love with your life, your business, and your body.

00:00:27:16 - 00:00:45:24
Lisa
This podcast is for you. If you're ready to learn what it takes to thrive as a high performer, do less but achieve more. Make you and your well-being a top priority and create your extraordinaire free life. I'm so glad you're here.

00:00:45:24 - 00:01:08:20
Lisa
hey, hey. And welcome back to another episode of the Full Frontal Living Podcast. I'm your host, Lisa Carpenter. And today, we're diving deep into a topic that so many of you high achieving in this episode, specifically women struggle with, which is what happens when life forces us to redefine success. Today, I'm joined by Kasia, a powerhouse coach and former client of mine from a few years back.

00:01:08:20 - 00:01:33:02
Lisa
And yes, you heard that right. She is a coach herself because here's what I know to be true. This has been true for me and for so many of my clients, is that coaches need coaches, too. And we all have blind spots. It doesn't matter how many tools we have in our tool kit. I am so grateful for the coaches in my life and it's such a pleasure and honor when I get to support other coaches doing big work out in the world.

00:01:33:05 - 00:01:55:22
Lisa
We all go through seasons of growth and challenge and we all need support to navigate life's biggest transitions. So Kasia is currently halfway through her first pregnancy in her forties and what she thought would be a joyful, conscious preparation time has instead been a complete rewriting of everything she believed about her worth, her value and what it meant to be successful.

00:01:55:25 - 00:02:18:02
Lisa
If you're someone who is tied to, who has tied your identity to your productivity, who measures your worth by your income, or who's currently navigating a major life transition, that's challenge everything you thought you knew about yourself. This coaching episode is for you. We're going to be talking about pregnancy and motherhood, but this conversation goes so much deeper.

00:02:18:05 - 00:02:40:04
Lisa
It's about inherent worth versus earned value. About learning to surrender when you're used to controlling outcomes and about having the courage to renegotiate your life when circumstances change. This is an incredibly real, raw and powerful coaching episode. So without further ado, let's dive in.

00:02:40:04 - 00:02:53:00
Lisa
Hey. Hey, everybody. Thanks for joining me for another episode of the Full Frontal Living Podcast. And today, we're doing another coaching session with Kasha, who was a former client of mine. Gosh, how many years ago now.

00:02:53:02 - 00:02:59:11
Kasia
Is that always? Two, three, two, three. Yeah. High fives, type fives.

00:02:59:13 - 00:03:26:03
Lisa
Anyways, I've invited her back on the podcast. We're going to do a little mini coaching session here. She's been going through a tremendous amount of change since we ended our time together, and it was it was a great time for a refresh. So Keisha is is a powerhouse coach and I'm going to tell you more about her. I recorded separate intro for these, so I'll tell you a little bit more about her in that intro because I want us to be able to dive right in.

00:03:26:03 - 00:03:27:16
Lisa
So, Kasia.

00:03:27:18 - 00:03:28:10
Kasia
How can I.

00:03:28:10 - 00:03:33:23
Lisa
Help you today? How can I support you today? What is going on in your world.

00:03:33:25 - 00:04:22:00
Kasia
A lot as I'm halfway through my first pregnancy and I'm in my forties. So a lot of changes in my life, especially that pregnancy, turned out to be more challenging than I had expected. And I find I catch myself noticing that there is a lot of pain that I carry and that pain mostly comes from my expectations. So because I didn't expect that pregnancy can be a turbulent and hard, I thought it will be this lady da time when I'm preparing in a most conscious and amazing way to welcome this miracle to the world.

00:04:22:02 - 00:04:46:18
Kasia
Actually, it feels like I'm spending most of the time every day in bed feeling sick and deprived of energy, and that created a lot of feelings and a lot of guilt in me throughout this process. So, yes, I can definitely say it's been a very new period in my life.

00:04:46:20 - 00:04:50:14
Lisa
Yeah. Because to, you know, nowadays getting pregnant in our forties.

00:04:50:17 - 00:04:50:23
Kasia
Is.

00:04:50:23 - 00:05:14:22
Lisa
Kind of a it's kind of commonplace. But what is really different is for so many women, we've established ourselves and then we get pregnant and it really does flip our lives upside down. And as much as we think we have an idea of what pregnancy and having children is going to be like, it can often be the exact opposite of what we thought it was going to be.

00:05:14:22 - 00:05:34:25
Lisa
I know that I have my own experiences around pregnancy and raising children, what I thought it was going to be and what it actually was for me and what you said there about carrying those, the pain that you're getting from carrying expectations. So much of pregnancy and having children is about full body surrender.

00:05:34:28 - 00:05:35:29
Kasia
Mm hmm.

00:05:36:01 - 00:05:40:08
Lisa
Because there is no certainty with anything.

00:05:40:11 - 00:06:07:26
Kasia
It's I think it's the extreme level of practicing surrender, which I have not experienced before. And I'm surprised, guys, because I thought that if I enter a pregnancy in my forties, exactly what you've said, that will be the period in my life where I've already been established as a businesswoman, where I've created some things I have experienced success.

00:06:07:28 - 00:06:33:00
Kasia
I was convinced that that that's step in my life, that stage in my life will come with ease and joy. So it really made my world crumble when I from week six of being pregnant, I didn't feel any joy. There was more of the feeling what is going on? And as weeks were progressing, it was not getting easier.

00:06:33:00 - 00:06:56:22
Kasia
It was getting actually harder. And I will never forget the moment when I thought, Well, am I regretting this? Was this a good idea to be pregnant? Maybe I should just stay without it. And that was like a huge wave of guilt when I thought, I have been dreaming of it all my life and now I'm feeling this as a burden.

00:06:56:22 - 00:06:59:19
Kasia
What is going on? So, yeah.

00:06:59:21 - 00:07:18:03
Lisa
So what's interesting is, you know, a lot of women don't understand and a lot of men as well is that we can feel multiple things at the same time and have all of them be true, right? We can be excited and wanting this thing so badly and also at the same time feeling like, wow, did I make the right decision?

00:07:18:03 - 00:07:22:10
Lisa
Is this what I really want? And it can be confusing.

00:07:22:12 - 00:07:22:27
Kasia
Very.

00:07:22:28 - 00:07:37:05
Lisa
Why do I feel guilty about something that I know that you've wanted to be pregnant for a long time. I know you wanted to start a family. No, This was a dream for you. So I can understand how challenging that must have been to then go into that feeling of guilt around.

00:07:37:07 - 00:07:37:22
Kasia
Wow.

00:07:37:22 - 00:07:49:08
Lisa
I didn't realize how much this was going to impact all other areas of my life. So up into this point, we were talking before we hit record about how you had defined.

00:07:49:08 - 00:07:50:17
Kasia
Success.

00:07:50:19 - 00:08:05:22
Lisa
And how pregnancy and the the the nature of your pregnancy, how that has really changed that success for you. So what I'm curious to know is how are you defining success today?

00:08:05:24 - 00:08:40:29
Kasia
I see it as finding that grace of acceptance, no matter what happens in life, rather than taking your feet on the floor and pushing in the direction you want to believe that it's the best direction. So it's that acceptance that became like a measurement of success for me, because that's something I have been trying to learn in this process.

00:08:41:02 - 00:09:18:23
Kasia
In the past. I thought that success is measured by external factors like our revenue. The number of clients, the how, how, how satisfied our clients are, the feedback we get testimonials and stops and success was also measured in terms of how stable we are, in terms of building our family life, whether it's a partner or friends or the closest family around us.

00:09:18:25 - 00:10:01:06
Kasia
But throughout the changes that I've been experiencing in the last two weeks of pregnancy, I feel that what I've been lacking most was was that acceptance of things changing and finding myself in this new scenario exactly with the words that you've said, feeling different feelings, noticing changes in ourselves, and finding that giving ourselves that space to all those feelings that we feel rather than saying, this is wrong, this is right.

00:10:01:09 - 00:10:25:04
Kasia
And it's interesting because I will never forget Jim or Jim for often mentioned, said, and I know you also were doing that in your coaching where we learn at some point that there is nothing like bad or good feelings. So if we say love and guilt, it's not that guilt is bad and love is good because they are they're like kind of on the same spectrum.

00:10:25:06 - 00:10:44:09
Kasia
It's like just the it's like loudness. Some of them are louder than the others, but the spectrum is the same, like the spectrum of sound and giving space to those feelings and acknowledging it with grace. I think that is that is a measurement of success for me right now.

00:10:44:12 - 00:10:49:19
Lisa
Have you ever considered that successes in a measurement?

00:10:49:21 - 00:11:01:09
Kasia
Hmm. That is well put. Yeah. I don't think I've ever looked at it from that point of view, but it makes a lot of sense.

00:11:01:12 - 00:11:12:11
Lisa
Because what most people don't realize is, is success has nothing to do with your external successes, a feeling that you get to embody.

00:11:12:14 - 00:11:13:03
Kasia
Yeah.

00:11:13:05 - 00:11:24:08
Lisa
Because otherwise we'd be saying, you know, so we're looking at this from a business standpoint, right? You're a businesswoman and your business has changed because you haven't been able to work because you haven't been feeling well.

00:11:24:11 - 00:11:24:29
Kasia
So it was the.

00:11:24:29 - 00:11:29:25
Lisa
Sense of like now my success has been taken from me.

00:11:29:28 - 00:11:33:27
Kasia
Yeah, that's how it felt at some point. Yes, very right.

00:11:33:29 - 00:11:44:14
Lisa
But success is an internal state of being. It's an identity. It's how you think and feel about yourself. It's how you think and feel about your life.

00:11:44:17 - 00:12:01:21
Lisa
So if you stopped looking at success as something to be measured and something to be felt and embodied, what might that change for you moving forward? What might be possible for you?

00:12:01:24 - 00:12:21:25
Kasia
Yeah, and I see it very much connected with that feeling of of being valuable. That's where I see success in that, in that a perspective that that you have just drawn.

00:12:21:27 - 00:12:29:10
Lisa
That you've tied success to you feeling valuable.

00:12:29:12 - 00:12:46:12
Kasia
Yes. But it's like learning that I can feel valuable without external circumstances. So I don't need external circumstances to feel valuable because it's the feeling, it's that embodied part that you've just mentioned.

00:12:46:14 - 00:12:49:23
Lisa
So what makes you valuable?

00:12:49:26 - 00:13:01:10
Kasia
What I'm working on is that unshakable. Believe that me just being makes me valuable.

00:13:01:13 - 00:13:03:01
Lisa
So what's causing you to have to work.

00:13:03:01 - 00:13:19:10
Kasia
On that cash over the years of living in the lie that that sense of being valuable comes from the external factors, like how much I contribute to the society, to my family, to my clients.

00:13:19:12 - 00:13:24:24
Lisa
But by telling me that you're working on it means that you still don't believe it.

00:13:24:27 - 00:14:08:28
Kasia
You know where I see it? Why I mention I still work on it is because I catch myself. I catch myself in certain situations where I notice. Hmm. I still go back to the old pattern, so I still work on being valuable rather than accepting that I am valuable no matter what. So for example, even by doing house chores, right, it's thinking about what will families say when they come home and I've been home all day, but the dishes are in the sink or the floor has not been hoovered.

00:14:09:01 - 00:14:45:11
Kasia
But will I be valued by them or will I be criticized? So that's this old pattern. But the way I see it is that the difference between understanding and knowing. So when I say I'm still working on that sense of inner value because I notice that I understand it but not necessarily know it. And for me, a good example of of showing the difference between understanding and knowing was the pregnancy.

00:14:45:13 - 00:15:06:13
Kasia
A few months ago, I could say I understand what pregnancy is, but I don't know it because I've never been pregnant. So men will understand what pregnancy is, but they will never know it, Correct? Right. So that's that's for me, a very nice metaphor to understand the difference between understanding and knowing. You know, if.

00:15:06:13 - 00:15:07:01
Lisa
You're having a boy.

00:15:07:01 - 00:15:11:04
Kasia
Or a girl, a boy or having a boy.

00:15:11:06 - 00:15:16:22
Lisa
So that little boy, is he having to earn his value right now while he's in your tummy.

00:15:16:24 - 00:15:20:05
Kasia
No. And I think that's exactly the reminder I need.

00:15:20:05 - 00:15:38:03
Lisa
And that's a big thing. Like when he is put in your arms for the very first time, when you hold him in the 3D for the very first time, no part of you will ever feel that he has to do anything to earn his worthiness or to earn his right to be loved. This is not something we need to work on.

00:15:38:08 - 00:15:57:11
Lisa
It's something about just owning it. So, you know, when you talk about, you know what, if I leave the dishes in the sink, that can be completely separate, right? Like whether or not you do the dishes, whether or not somebody judges you for doing the dishes has nothing to do with your inherent value and worthiness as a human being.

00:15:57:14 - 00:16:30:17
Lisa
And that can be a whole other set of coping mechanisms that we're working behind, because so many of us do have that fear of being judged or wanting to get things right. Because if we get things right, we won't get in trouble. So I'd be curious to know how often in your life it's really about you. Avoiding conflict has less to do with you wanting to be valuable and more to do with how often are you avoiding conflict or you're doing everything in your power to avoid conflict.

00:16:30:17 - 00:16:53:11
Lisa
Because on the other side of conflict, things don't feel good. You know, you'd mentioned about your your dad and your mom when you were growing up. There was a lot of conflict in your house, so that became a place of unease, not feeling safe. So when we grow up around a lot of conflict, typically as we as we turn into adults, we do everything we can to avoid conflict in our own lives.

00:16:53:11 - 00:16:57:25
Lisa
Because internally the belief is I'm not going to be safe.

00:16:57:28 - 00:17:35:05
Kasia
Mm hmm. Yeah, I see that. And I recognize that in my patterns. Yeah, I. I feel that I became, um, easier in accepting conflict as something natural, but it doesn't mean that I don't try to avoid it completely. So there are situations in everyday life where I will maybe at the cost of myself and my values, I will accept something just in just to avoid conflict.

00:17:35:07 - 00:17:36:26
Lisa
How do you know there's going to be conflict.

00:17:36:26 - 00:17:47:29
Kasia
Though, through the external circumstances when somebody raises the voice.

00:17:48:01 - 00:17:57:00
Lisa
But you're trying to be preemptive about conflict. What I'm asking is how do you even know there's going to be conflict?

00:17:57:02 - 00:18:02:02
Kasia
But I don't know for sure. It's just through observation, Right. And experience.

00:18:02:04 - 00:18:19:05
Lisa
That's the thing you don't know for sure. So how much of your life are you living trying to avoid things that haven't even happened yet? Instead of trusting that whatever unfolds, you're going to be able to navigate it? So you talked about surrender in the beginning, right? Yeah. Pregnancy is.

00:18:19:08 - 00:18:19:14
Kasia
Is.

00:18:19:14 - 00:18:55:07
Lisa
Really about full body surrender and also in life. So the reason why pregnancy is so challenging for so many of us is because the type of men and women that I work with work their damn best, damnedest to create certainty in their lives because certainty equals safety on an unconscious level. Most of the time they're not even conscious of this pregnancy is kind of the first dipping our toe into real levels of uncertainty and learning how to trust ourselves at every stage of that uncertainty.

00:18:55:09 - 00:19:13:21
Lisa
You don't know what's going to happen next week. You don't know what's going to happen when your little boy enters the world. You don't know what's going to happen when he's three or five or ten. There's literally no manual. It is a lifelong experience in uncertainty, which is the truth for every day, all day. Right. The only thing certain in life is that we are all going to leave the planet at some point in time.

00:19:13:21 - 00:19:36:02
Lisa
We don't know when, but that is truly the only thing that's certain. But they say death and taxes. But I mean, I guess you could not pay your taxes if you didn't want to, right? But death, you cannot avoid. And avoiding conflict again is about how can I manipulate what it is I'm doing to create certainty.

00:19:36:04 - 00:19:36:12
Kasia
So.

00:19:36:12 - 00:20:13:20
Lisa
That I can feel safe? And what would happen for you if you stop trying to manipulate the outcomes that you want and trusted, that whatever conflict may or may not arise and it doesn't even have to be conflict. Not everything is conflict. It's what are you telling yourself is going to be conflict? But how much time and energy and freedom would you gain from no longer trying to be preemptive about avoiding conflict in your life loads?

00:20:13:22 - 00:20:30:12
Kasia
And that again, would affect the way how I feel about myself and all those unnecessary thoughts or fear of being judged right that would release me from that fear of being judged.

00:20:30:15 - 00:20:34:22
Lisa
Because what happens if you're judged?

00:20:34:24 - 00:20:40:19
Kasia
Well, it's it's kind of that leads me to the conflict situation.

00:20:40:22 - 00:20:44:04
Lisa
So if you're judged, there's going to be conflict.

00:20:44:07 - 00:21:02:18
Kasia
Yes. Because ultimately it creates that feeling within me that I'm doing something wrong. I've done something wrong, or somebody interprets my doing as something wrong, even when it when I don't agree with that.

00:21:02:21 - 00:21:11:02
Lisa
And they might interpret it as that way. But you don't have to internalize it as conflict. It's not your conflict.

00:21:11:04 - 00:21:20:29
Kasia
Yeah, but it's very well put in terms of internalizing something as mine. Hmm. Or what I'm doing other.

00:21:20:29 - 00:21:23:10
Lisa
People out in the world that you judge.

00:21:23:12 - 00:21:28:12
Kasia
Oh, yeah. I think it's on a daily basis. Humans subconsciously. Yeah.

00:21:28:12 - 00:21:34:13
Lisa
Humans are always going to judge. Are you in conflict with all those people that you're judging?

00:21:34:15 - 00:21:39:02
Kasia
No. If anyone, then I'm in conflict with myself. Right.

00:21:39:04 - 00:21:49:23
Lisa
So just because somebody judges you for something that you're doing or didn't do doesn't mean that you have to internalize it and doesn't mean that you have to turn it into a conflict or a fight.

00:21:49:25 - 00:21:50:07
Kasia
For.

00:21:50:07 - 00:21:55:17
Lisa
Your safety or your worthiness.

00:21:55:19 - 00:22:05:23
Kasia
And it's like my logic, this screaming, No, of course it doesn't. Now they have I embodied change. That's the difference thing, right?

00:22:05:28 - 00:22:25:01
Lisa
So the embodiment comes in the practice of doing things differently, right? In asking yourself, am I doing the dishes here because I don't want my partner to judge me and get into an argument with him? Or am I doing the dishes because I really want to do the dishes. I have the energy and the stamina to do the dishes.

00:22:25:03 - 00:22:54:26
Kasia
Yeah. And I feel that this pregnancy time is a beautiful like a like a playground, because there are moments when my body physically is not capable of giving more and it helps find that ease and acceptance. So that's why it is a playground. Because then when I play with that in terms of, okay, I'm not doing it because I physically not.

00:22:54:29 - 00:23:04:18
Kasia
And when there comes judgment, that judgment doesn't feel as conflict generating, as if I could do it, fine.

00:23:04:20 - 00:23:09:25
Lisa
And I'd also be curious if the judgment is really coming from external sources.

00:23:09:28 - 00:23:10:07
Kasia
Or.

00:23:10:15 - 00:23:23:05
Lisa
More coming from the internal right. And our external is always going to represent what we feel internally. So if we're judging ourselves, people are going to show up that we interpret as judging us.

00:23:23:07 - 00:23:27:06
Kasia
Yeah, we projected, right. That's not projection.

00:23:27:08 - 00:23:28:22
Lisa
Correct.

00:23:28:24 - 00:24:00:24
Kasia
And I agree. I think, you know, like what I've been catching myself doing and thinking is that that self judgment. So if I'm not generating a decent income now because my pregnancy affects how I work, then at least what I can do is to contribute into housework That is like running into a rabbit hole. This is like a trap.

00:24:00:26 - 00:24:27:18
Lisa
Basically making money or master and giving money all the power, right? So you say I'm generating income, but the last time I checked, we don't get paid to build. Children grow children raise children. No, I never received a paycheck for all the years I logged as a mother. And I realized the other day that I'm like half of my life has been spent as a mother.

00:24:27:21 - 00:24:47:10
Lisa
My oldest is 25. I'll be 53 this year. Half my life I've spent as a mother, I've never earned a single penny dollar wise for that job. Yet you could not put a price tag on the value that I brought to the world.

00:24:47:12 - 00:24:47:17
Kasia
That.

00:24:47:17 - 00:24:53:26
Lisa
I brought to my kids. Like how can we how can we put a dollar value.

00:24:53:28 - 00:24:54:06
Kasia
On.

00:24:54:06 - 00:25:06:21
Lisa
What being a mother is? So if you're always looking at like money being the Almighty, we're not actually really looking at the value of things.

00:25:06:23 - 00:25:33:07
Kasia
Yeah, very, very true. And you know what I find very sad listening to you now, which you say kind of obvious things, which my logic understands and could repeat it word for word. But how how that money became the master of my lives. Because I notice how I like my pot were because of the money.

00:25:33:09 - 00:25:51:28
Lisa
So, you know, for many years in my own relationship, my partner made way more money than me. And I always felt like I needed to keep up with him and I needed to match him dollar for dollar. And, you know, one day he said to me, you know, you don't understand the value that you bring that isn't actually paid.

00:25:52:00 - 00:26:22:19
Lisa
So it's but because I had equated that the value was only wrapped in money, I was unable to see the value of me just being me and everything that I contributed to the family that I wasn't getting paid for. So when we're in this dynamic of having children, your partner gets to go to work and do what he's doing because you're making the decision to be at home and to be taking care of your child.

00:26:22:25 - 00:26:41:23
Lisa
And it's not to say that you can't work and raise children like I'm here for whatever women want to do. I'm here for. But when we're constantly putting all the value on, it's about making money. We devalue everything else we bring to the table.

00:26:41:25 - 00:26:42:27
Kasia
That is way.

00:26:42:27 - 00:26:46:06
Lisa
More money that that is worth way more than.

00:26:46:12 - 00:27:18:13
Kasia
A dollar. But hearing you say that now, it makes me question how much of what I experience in my partnership is actually comes from my projection of the fears that I have in me and how much comes basically from my partner. Because if my partner said the words that you heard from your partner, that would feel like like, like opening the vault of freedom for me.

00:27:18:15 - 00:27:27:06
Kasia
But instead what I heard from my partner was you need to contribute half like you used to to.

00:27:27:08 - 00:27:39:26
Lisa
So this is a powerful place for you guys to have a conversation because when you're having a child, right? So this is expectations. You have this expectation that you can't actually meet.

00:27:39:28 - 00:28:08:00
Kasia
No. And and, you know, of course, I brought to the table the topic, but I bring a lot of value in terms of creating the human being right now. And, you know, so so so my consciousness and subconsciousness was able to speak up and saying, hey, hold on. It's not that. It's not that I only concentrate on the money right now because there is another aspect of value that I'm bringing.

00:28:08:02 - 00:28:18:18
Kasia
And if you become aware of that, you will stop judging this material, seeing as one, two, one 5050 But he couldn't agree with that.

00:28:18:21 - 00:28:38:15
Lisa
But I eventually had to go back to my partner. I went back to my partner because I had been so hell bent on making sure that I contributed equally. And after realizing that that was putting me in a very bad financial state, in a very bad emotional state, I went back to him and said, I'm not going to be doing this anymore.

00:28:38:15 - 00:29:02:09
Lisa
You make more money than me. These are the responsibilities that I have. These are the responsibilities that you have. This is where I'm at right now. And we can renegotiate this in six months, eight months, a year. Now, I out earn my partner. Right. So things are constantly changing and shifting. Our lives are always going to be growing and evolving, but it's what do you need to say to your partner?

00:29:02:09 - 00:29:20:28
Lisa
What conversation do you need to have now? What foundations do you want to play so that you guys are on the same page when this child comes into the world? Because as much as pregnancy can be challenging, the first six months of having a baby also challenging not sleeping. They eat a lot. They poop a lot, right?

00:29:20:28 - 00:29:22:04
Kasia
So it's it's.

00:29:22:04 - 00:29:39:01
Lisa
Just a whole different thing. And when it's your first child, it is like that. I mean, I remember going to the gas station and thinking, Oh my God, like, how do I do this? Like, I need to go inside and pay. This is back in the day, right? I need to go inside and pay. But I got the baby in the backseat, so I have to take the baby out to go inside to pay.

00:29:39:04 - 00:30:07:00
Lisa
I mean, nowadays we pay at the pump, but it was all these, like, minor things that I had to constantly think about that changed my life, like, Oh, I can't just put on my clothes and walk out the door right? Like, now my kids are old enough that I have that freedom and flexibility. But for a long time it was like, Oh, I can't just go out because I have a child at home and they need someone here to, you know, after years of being in the independence and a sovereign being.

00:30:07:02 - 00:30:37:09
Lisa
So this is a really important time in your relationship to have different conversations with your partner about what it is you want, what it is you need, because you already have these expectations inside of you, of what you think is valuable, what you how you've been measuring success. And if he's projecting that on to you and then it's triggering what you already hold as a belief inside you, this is the time for you to stand up and say, Wait a minute, this needs to change for me.

00:30:37:11 - 00:31:05:25
Lisa
I'm also asking and requesting that you look at this in a different way. Maybe we have a six month period where this is what it's going to look like and then we can we can reassess and determine what it is we both want and need moving forward. But give yourself the opportunity to be fully expressed. And coming back to what we were saying earlier around, I wonder how much of this you're avoiding because of the conflict you're afraid you're going to face.

00:31:05:27 - 00:31:18:18
Lisa
And so much of this is about you standing in your personal power and not giving your power over to the almighty dollar and not allowing your partner to just wrap everything around the almighty dollar.

00:31:18:21 - 00:31:18:29
Kasia
And.

00:31:18:29 - 00:31:29:16
Lisa
Seeing the value in everything that you bring to this relationship to this family as a mother or now as a partner, as a stepmother. So many different layers here.

00:31:29:19 - 00:32:03:14
Kasia
Yeah, there are. And you know, it's I start seeing my partner as the biggest gift because he's actually triggering me by having the opposite view, by not seeing like by not I don't know, maybe he sees, but he definitely does not express the gratitude for all the value that I bring to the family as a stepmother, as the upcoming mother to his biological child.

00:32:03:17 - 00:32:31:04
Kasia
I and even when we had those conversations, he said it often like but but what is what is there to be grateful for you? It's just a normal part of life. So so as harsh as it sounds, I see it that he is that motor of change for me in terms of, well, I need to fight for me and, and, and, and what I believe in.

00:32:31:04 - 00:33:11:00
Kasia
I can only change that and the values that I have and how I see myself valuable throughout now in those different scenarios. And I feel that by him being so cold or harsh in those scenarios, it pushed me into finding that inner value in me and valuing myself more financially. What you mentioned, how you resolve the conflict or conflict or the situation, it very much resembles what we decided to do in the end after months, really months of a fighting over it.

00:33:11:02 - 00:33:34:23
Kasia
So we we said, okay, now I am on a sick leave because of the complications in the pregnancy. So he accepted eventually that I'm going to contribute less, much less than I used to do. And even though at the first months when it was happening, he still was coming with the naughty comments like, When are we going to feel better?

00:33:34:23 - 00:34:02:00
Kasia
When are we going to contribute half, half like he used to. Now he stopped that. So it feels like it feels like something has been released. And of course, like you probably noticed it in your example. I feel much better about myself. I feel release, I feel more freedom. I feel like now I can focus on, on, on pregnancy, on me, on on the family, even with more joy than I used to.

00:34:02:02 - 00:34:27:24
Kasia
But I. But I also noticed that there are still believes in me where I don't feel good enough. So even though we have this settlement now, which has been working for maybe one or two months, I sit here by the desk and I'm thinking, okay, can I work today a little bit to generate some money? Can I generate some more money?

00:34:27:24 - 00:34:33:04
Kasia
Or maybe I can have a good sale so maybe I can contribute how to have as soon as possible. But what.

00:34:33:04 - 00:34:41:06
Lisa
Would allow you to just surrender into the agreement that you've come to and just enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

00:34:41:08 - 00:34:52:08
Kasia
And love your question? What would allow me my acceptance?

00:34:52:10 - 00:34:56:04
Lisa
You will never have this time in your life again.

00:34:56:06 - 00:34:57:11
Kasia
That's true.

00:34:57:13 - 00:35:17:01
Lisa
Good or bad, you will never have this time in your life again. I want to give you a little bit of positive hope because the second half of pregnancy is really it's much better. The sickness should subside. You should start feeling better. You know, the baby's moving around. It really is like it's a miracle. You may or may not have more than one child.

00:35:17:03 - 00:35:40:16
Lisa
Right? Some want to really do your best to be present with what's happening for you. So if you pull yourself into this place of all well, maybe, maybe so. Here's the difference. If you feel pulled and called to work because you're like, Oh my God, I want to be creative. I want to get in there. I want to do the thing, then go do the thing.

00:35:40:18 - 00:35:54:29
Lisa
But it's a difference if you're sitting down at your desk feeling like I should be doing this, I want to make my partner happy. I'm doing this because I feel guilty. Yeah, it's a very different energy.

00:35:55:02 - 00:35:59:02
Kasia
And outcome because it will bring different outcome as well.

00:35:59:04 - 00:36:11:09
Lisa
100%, 100%. So always looking at, am I doing this for me or am I doing this for him to make him happy to avoid conflict?

00:36:11:12 - 00:36:11:22
Kasia
Yeah.

00:36:11:25 - 00:36:34:13
Lisa
If he's if you guys have negotiated this and you've created that space, what would cause you to want to play with that? Like because then for all you know, he's going to come back and be like, well, you did it once, now you should go do it again, right? Like you keep yourself the space to have this time.

00:36:34:15 - 00:37:05:25
Kasia
You know, it's it's just sitting here by the desk, in truth, with your self, right. And asking yourself that question, are you doing it through the lens of guilt with the sense of guilt? Are you doing it because you genuinely want to do it? I think having heard those questions from you, it feels like an invitation for me to really sit in quiet and having those answer those questions answered for myself.

00:37:05:28 - 00:37:32:06
Kasia
And it makes me feel a bit tearful right now because I know what the right answer feels like. And it's absolutely the space for giving myself permission to just be and feel that pregnancy and feel those symptoms, even though they are not easy. I'm I'm sitting here. I'm like wiggling and moving because I can feel stretching and aches and pains that I've never had before.

00:37:32:08 - 00:37:59:15
Kasia
But but I think even those symptoms might be experienced differently when I approach them with a different attitude. Again, we go back to acceptance that I had mentioned at the very beginning, accepting then that rather than fighting against it and saying, Oh, I shouldn't feel them because I didn't feel them, I could focus on work, and if I could focus on work, I could earn more, I could make him satisfied.

00:37:59:17 - 00:38:26:18
Kasia
And there is this again, a reminder to pause, stop and just be in this acceptance, in this new position into scenario. Because throughout the process that we're going through as a couple, it's not only me growing, he's also growing. He had to also reached the point where where it felt easy for him saying, okay, let's agree on that now.

00:38:26:20 - 00:38:31:07
Kasia
Right? Yeah. Beautiful realization. Thank you for that.

00:38:31:09 - 00:38:58:13
Lisa
Allowing you're in a state of allowing, allowing and acceptance. So when we can't when when people struggle to accept because what keeps us from accepting is we want things to be different than they are. Sometimes the softer approach is can I allow this to be what it is today? Yeah, just today. Can I allow this? Can I allow the unfamiliar to be with me?

00:38:58:16 - 00:39:07:25
Lisa
Can I allow the uncertainty and see where that takes you? And it sounds like you guys are going to have lots of big conversations ahead of you.

00:39:07:27 - 00:39:08:29
Kasia
So what.

00:39:08:29 - 00:39:14:23
Lisa
I'm going to leave you with is to consider what do you want for yourself over the next 12.

00:39:14:23 - 00:39:16:05
Kasia
Months?

00:39:16:07 - 00:39:33:16
Lisa
Right. If we could wave that magic coaching wand and you could have your life be. However you want over the next 12 months, not working from shoulds, not anything from avoiding conflict. But what would you like your life to like, look like for the next 12 months?

00:39:33:19 - 00:39:33:26
Kasia
What do.

00:39:33:26 - 00:39:54:16
Lisa
You want? What do you need? What do you desire? What are you not willing to tolerate? Because you will never get this year of your life back. You will never have a newborn again unless you choose to have another one. I don't know if you will or not. Right. But even if you have another one right, you never can go back in time.

00:39:54:18 - 00:40:26:16
Lisa
We're always moving forward. So what is it look like for you to really honor this thing that you have wanted for so long? You've desired this for so long. Are you willing to allow yourself to have the full experience of pregnancy, of motherhood, and not be worried about work bills, whatever it is? Have the conversations with your your partner so that you are really crafting the next 12 months for yourself?

00:40:26:19 - 00:40:32:15
Lisa
And then you can say, okay, once we hit the 12 month mark, then we can look at what's next.

00:40:32:18 - 00:40:33:12
Kasia
And.

00:40:33:15 - 00:40:59:07
Lisa
You know, I think a powerful question that might be relevant to your partner as what would you pay me to be a mother of your child? Like, what would the back of that look like? Because again, and it's this is for you as well and for any mother listening, what is the value of that? If I had to get paid per hour, what is the price tag that would go with that?

00:40:59:09 - 00:41:00:13
Kasia
I love that.

00:41:00:15 - 00:41:08:01
Lisa
Right now it's a it's a powerful reframe. Look at what we pay for nannies. Look at what we pay for house cleaners.

00:41:08:03 - 00:41:08:13
Kasia
Look at what.

00:41:08:13 - 00:41:15:18
Lisa
We pay for all those people that can come in and support us. And we never consider, if I were getting paid.

00:41:15:20 - 00:41:16:08
Kasia
What would I.

00:41:16:08 - 00:41:21:18
Lisa
Charge for this? I mean, you're only shaping another human.

00:41:21:20 - 00:41:23:13
Kasia
You know, small task.

00:41:23:16 - 00:41:25:08
Lisa
So I'll leave you with that.

00:41:25:11 - 00:41:25:16
Kasia
Do you.

00:41:25:16 - 00:41:28:00
Lisa
Feel complete?

00:41:28:02 - 00:41:59:12
Kasia
I do, Lisa. I do. And it was, you know, the invitation to ask that question to my partner. Also, there came a strong feeling when you just said the words out loud, how would I envision my next 12 months? And immediately there came that vision were there was a lot of ease and and being in the state of being protected by my partner, being supported economically by him without that sense of guilt.

00:41:59:14 - 00:42:23:18
Kasia
But with this freedom, of course I'm going to support you because you are doing a tremendous job for us as a family. And I think that that change starts with me with having that vision for myself and seeing myself as that part of the family that is being cherished and and looked after.

00:42:23:21 - 00:42:49:03
Lisa
If you don't stand in your power and value around that, he will never value that. No, really, what it comes down to and it's not unreasonable to want to feel safe and supported by our partners. And like I said, five years from now, you could be out earning your partner, right? It's we often come at relationships as equal like 5050.

00:42:49:08 - 00:43:11:07
Lisa
And it's not just like in friendships. It's over time. Yeah, that reciprocity between us. Sometimes I'm going to have to carry you. Sometimes you're going to have to carry me. This is what it looks like. I mean, I have a good friend right now. Her husband is going through cancer and she is having to do a lot to carry him.

00:43:11:14 - 00:43:17:05
Lisa
Understandable. And for many years he carried her in other ways.

00:43:17:10 - 00:43:18:03
Kasia
Yeah, that.

00:43:18:03 - 00:43:41:06
Lisa
Is the nature of a relationship. It's not tit for tat. That's not how healthy relationships work. It's understanding that we are committed over the long run. And sometimes I'm going to give more. Sometimes you're going to give more. But we're always going to feel like there's this beautiful sense of reciprocity, an energy exchange between us. That is what makes a healthy relationship.

00:43:41:08 - 00:44:02:09
Lisa
It's never about how much money is in the bank, and as soon as we start making money, our master and making money the end all be all, that is what gets in the way of healthy relationships because it's never about the money. And I watch people get, you know, have their relationships torn apart because of of money issues.

00:44:02:11 - 00:44:19:12
Kasia
Thank you for all those insights this I took a lot of notes and but not only notes. I can feel the shift within me and readiness for for a new perspective and new dialogs. Yeah with a new level of awareness.

00:44:19:17 - 00:44:35:22
Lisa
There's going to be many, many years ahead of you to where you're going to be impacting lives of other people beyond just your family and doing your big work out in the world. This is what you've been put here for. And there's also nothing wrong with these periods of in our lives where there's a bit of a pause.

00:44:35:29 - 00:44:36:07
Kasia
Where.

00:44:36:07 - 00:44:38:14
Lisa
We're asked to just be present.

00:44:38:16 - 00:44:39:08
Kasia
With the things.

00:44:39:08 - 00:44:43:26
Lisa
That we've we've called in, Right. You call it you've called this baby in.

00:44:43:29 - 00:44:44:07
Kasia
Yeah.

00:44:44:14 - 00:45:17:06
Lisa
You're like, Oh, I'm not allowing myself to be present because my partner this, that and the other thing. Let yourself have this time be willing to negotiate with your partner all the time, have the big conversations instead of looking at them as conflict. Welcome to like being in relationship. It's always negotiation, it's always sharing honestly and each person looking to genuinely meet our partners wants and needs while also looking at what our own wants and needs are.

00:45:17:06 - 00:45:19:27
Lisa
It's a both and all right.

00:45:19:29 - 00:45:21:19
Kasia
I think you get it.

00:45:21:21 - 00:45:25:10
Lisa
Put your feet on the grass. If it's the day is at nighttime for you know.

00:45:25:13 - 00:45:28:03
Kasia
It's evening, it's around 7 p.m..

00:45:28:03 - 00:45:39:04
Lisa
So so still a nice time. Get outside, get your feet in the grass and really ponder everything we talked about. And thanks so much for being so openly and honestly. I appreciate it.

00:45:39:06 - 00:45:43:27
Kasia
Thank you. Lisa, Thank you for that session today and welcome.

00:45:43:27 - 00:46:05:08
Lisa
Hey. Hey. Before you go, I'd like to ask you something. How much longer are you willing to put yourself last to keep pushing through, hoping things will magically change while feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and disconnected from the life you truly want. Tell me if this sounds like you. From the outside. Most people think you have it all figured out.

00:46:05:13 - 00:46:26:06
Lisa
But the truth is that on most days you feel like you're barely holding it together. Your life is full of responsibilities and there's a high demand on your time and energy. You know you can't drop the ball yet. You're terrified it's going to happen. And worst of all, you're already taking the hit because you often end up at the bottom of your to do list.

00:46:26:08 - 00:46:59:13
Lisa
You've achieved so much, yet deep down, what you want most is more ease, more fulfillment, more joy, more you. And that is exactly what reclamation is all about. This isn't just another program. It's your opportunity to finally break free from the patterns that are keeping you stuck and step into a life that feels aligned, intentional and fulfilling. It's a safe space to have conversations that matter with women who get you and share your complicated relationship with vulnerability.

00:46:59:15 - 00:47:26:02
Lisa
Imagine having the support, the tools and the accountability to create real, lasting change where you're no longer just surviving, but thriving. So if you're done with feeling stuck, overwhelmed, and constantly running on empty, it's time to take that first step. Head to Lisa Carpenter, dot K forward slash reclamation and say yes to yourself, yes to the life you know you're meant for.

00:47:26:02 - 00:47:33:22
Lisa
Because if nothing changes, nothing changes. As I'll see you on the inside.