EPISODE 277: Indoctrinated Into Overgiving: Is This You?

Lisa [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the full frontal Living podcast. I'm Lisa Carpenter, master life coach to driven, ambitious humans who want more out of life without having to sacrifice themselves to achieve it. I'll share how it's possible to slow.

Lisa [00:00:14]:
Down, take better care of yourself, find.

Lisa [00:00:17]:
More peace and ease, create sustainable energy, stop procrastination and overwhelm and fall in love with your life, your business and your body. This podcast is for you. If you're ready to learn what it.

Lisa [00:00:30]:
Takes to thrive as a high school.

Lisa [00:00:32]:
Performer, do less but achieve more, make you and your well being a top priority, and create your extraordinary life. I'm so glad you're here. Well, hey, hey. And thanks for joining me for another episode of the full frontal Living podcast. And this episode is going to be a little bit different because I'm actually going to be attaching an old episode I did way, way back in the day at the very, very beginning of the full frontal living podcast. In fact, it was only episode 18. And I went in and listened to this episode, which is called why giving doesn't make you great because I wanted to re record it and add to it. But after listening to it, I was like, wow, I don't know if I could actually do a better job re recording it.

Lisa [00:01:24]:
So I'm just going to have my team edited onto this new kind of intro. But in the intro, I wanted to take this a little bit deeper because I'm talking about how women and men can do this as well. We show up giving, giving, giving, giving everything away. Until that there's nothing left for us. And then we often get caught in feelings of resentment and anger. And you've probably heard me say before that if you're in feelings of resentment, that is not a them problem, it is a you problem. But the reason that I wanted to record this episode was not just to talk about the problems of over giving, but to also look at where did these stories come from? Because they've been passed down from generation to generation to generation. And as men, or, sorry, as women and men, it can be challenging to break these kind of foundational beliefs we have about, about giving, because we've been taught that giving is what makes us such a good person.

Lisa [00:02:28]:
I know that I was taught that and sharing. So I wanted to dive into a few little stories around more giving and sharing and kind of where these, where these come from. In an effort to allow you to become really curious about your own life and what you were taught growing up. What were the stories you were told by your parents or by teachers? Or peers, and how have they shaped who you are today? Because such a large portion of this work, this transformational work, is about unlearning the things you've learned. So everybody thinks that it's about growing into someone new, but it's been my experience that it's really about letting go of who you thought you were or unlearning the things that aren't actually true. And what prompted kind of a reboot of this episode is recently when I was at a conference in Calgary, I was sitting down talking to an old client and who's, who's now become a really good friend and colleague about some of the things that we are indoctrinated into. And she was sharing with me the book called Rainbow Fish. Now, I don't know if you've ever heard about rainbow fish, but rainbow fish is this beautiful fish.

Lisa [00:03:40]:
And in all fairness, rainbow fish is a little bit, like prideful and arrogant. He's a little bit full of himself in the beginning of the book, but he's covered in these beautiful sparkly scales. And the moral of the story is that rainbow fish, in order to be loved and accepted and to have all the friends, had to give away each of his scales. So now every fish swimming around had one of these beautiful scales. So I understand the premise of we don't want to be walking around as boastful and egotistical. And listen, if you are afraid of being that, then I guarantee you, you could never be that. Because the people who are completely oblivious to the fact that they could be that are the ones that would never think that that's who they are. That was a total tangle of words there.

Lisa [00:04:32]:
But I hope you understand what I'm saying.

Lisa [00:04:33]:
Right.

Lisa [00:04:34]:
If you're worried about people thinking that you're going to be arrogant, then chances are you could never be arrogant. You probably over give to compensate for nobody seeing you as arrogant or greedy. So here, rainbow fish gives away all his scales. And like I said, the moral of the story is that now everybody is the same. Nobody is more sparkly than the other. And rainbow fish has all the friends. And I was thinking about the stories that we are told growing up. And this specifically really applies to a lot of women.

Lisa [00:05:07]:
I don't see this as much with men, but women are often told to tone it down. Don't make her feel bad, don't shine too brightly. But we're given conflicting messages. We are constantly given conflicting messages. So don't make them feel too bad, but don't shrink. Oh, but shrink. It's such a cluster of things that we are fed, and books like these, when we are young, start to implant in our subconscious mind that if we are sparkly and stand out, I'm using sparkly just because it applies to the fish. But if we're too sparkly and stand out, that we are not going to have friends and we are not going to be liked.

Lisa [00:05:45]:
Way to belong in this life and to have friends and to be accepted is if we become the same as everybody else. And I thought, wow, how incredibly sad that is that so many of us give away the parts that make us unique, or tone it down, or roll around in the mud, shall we say, so that we don't stand out so much, that we don't shine too bright. Because the belief is that we won't fit in, we won't belong, and we won't be loved. And if you've been listening to the podcast for any amount of time, time, you know that our core beliefs always stem from. And that the things that we get into, that create our identity are always about protecting those parts of us that require love, safety and belonging. Those are basic human needs. And if we believe that those are at risk, we will change who we're being so that they aren't. Even though quite often our safety is not at risk.

Lisa [00:06:40]:
And, you know, you've probably heard me talk about belonging. Part of belonging is learning how to belong with yourself. So how can we take a look at what we were told as children, what you were told as a child about what you needed in order to get that love, safety and belonging? Where have you given away parts of yourself along your life that now you're feeling that pull, like those things are missing? Because quite often those sparkly things about us, they're attached to our joy. So I was the kid in school that was told, you know, that I talked to much, that I was too social, it was too this and I was too that. And now, literally, being social and talking too much are the gifts that I bring to this world. It's part of, they are the gifts that I was given to make an impact on this planet. But when I was young, those were the things that I was being told to tap down. So I want you to look at this for yourself, and I want you to look at how often you're giving away.

Lisa [00:07:49]:
Give, give, give, give. So that you can feel good instead of looking at, wait a minute, what are the gifts that I hold inside me that support me feeling good? Because you can be shiny and sparkly and belong and have friends. And are you here to fit in or are you here to stand out? And if you think about standing out and that kind of sends a shiver up your spine, like, it's not safe for me to stand out, or who am I to stand out? I'm going to challenge you to ask, where did you first hear that? What created that belief? Because who says you're not here to stand out? Who says you're not here to be the most sparkly person in the room? Who told you that you don't get to have an extraordinary life? So it's not about being better than anybody else. Because, listen, nobody can be better than anybody else. Even that in its is such a myth and such a story. And the metaphor that I use with my clients is if we all stood outside in the middle of a big field and it was a bright, beautiful, sunny day, one of us isn't going to get more sun than the other. There's more than enough to go around. So I want you to be curious about where lack and scarcity is showing up in your life in terms of even thinking about giving and not being able to stand out.

Lisa [00:09:22]:
Because literally, you may have this belief that you're taking away from someone if you stand out or if you're your sparkly self. So I will leave it at that. I wanted to, like I said, I wanted to record this kind of new intro or addition to this episode. The episode is itself. You know, I listen back to that and I think about the version of me way back in 2018 when I first recorded it, and I'm like, wow, that was good. That was good. So I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed relistening to it, because it's very rare for me to go back and listen to my own episodes, but it is a good one. Now, what remains true when you get to the end of that is I want to do let you know that I am booking single sessions again.

Lisa [00:10:05]:
They can be found on my website, Lisacarpenter ca. Or you can go to Lisacarpenter Cawwm, fill out an application. You can hop on my calendar. There's a link right there to, to purchase a single session. So that's 1 hour that could radically transform your life, because we could dive into some of these beliefs and stories that you hold and shatter them, and life will never be the same on the other side. Because once you expand past these stories, once you see them as what they are, which is nothing more than the imaginary monster under your bed, you can't go back to life the same as it was. And that's what creates so much possibility for you moving forward. If you no longer believed that you.

Lisa [00:10:50]:
Had to be mediocre, that you had.

Lisa [00:10:52]:
To turn down the volume on who you are to create what you want in life, what would change for you? So I'll leave you with that. Enjoy this episode, and I will catch you on the next one.

Lisa [00:11:06]:
Welcome to the full frontal Living podcast. Today I'm going to be talking kind of off the cuff, and sometimes I have a little bit more preparation I put into these episodes, and today I've been thinking about this a lot. So yesterday was Mother's Day. So for all the mamas out there, happy Mother's Day. And truly, you know, if you're a woman, I think Mother's Day is really about supporting and celebrating all women. Because I think we're all here to nurture and provide for the human race, so to speak, right? I think we all play a motherly role at some point, whether it's to a child, to a friend, to an elderly, you know, our parents. I think we can even flip into having to be a parent to our parents at some point in time. So I just want to acknowledge that I think Mother's Day goes far beyond those of us who have children.

Lisa [00:12:07]:
It also extends to those who've lost children. Anyhow, I digress. What I want to talk about today, first of all, is I want to thank you. I want to thank you for tuning in every week. I want to thank you for sharing. I want to thank you for landing in my DM's and my emails and sharing with me how this podcast is impacting you and that you are nodding along and that it's going right into your heart. That is what I am here to do. I'm really here to help get you out of your heads and into your hearts.

Lisa [00:12:43]:
I want you to feel, because when I can get you to feel, those feelings are going to lead you back to your thoughts, and your thoughts are going to lead us to your beliefs. And when we can dismantle those beliefs, your entire life will transform. So thank you so much for all the feedback. Thank you for all of those, for all of you who have left me a rating and review. I can't even begin to express how grateful I am for that. It helps other people find the podcast, and the podcast is growing. At episode 17, we officially surpassed over 3000 downloads, which blows my mind. I am so, so grateful because I've wanted nothing more than to find a way to get my workout into the world in a way that was deeply impactful.

Lisa [00:13:38]:
That felt very intentional. Right. So if you're in the, you know, land of Facebook or Instagram, if you're running your own business, you know that social media, we don't actually own our content and we don't know who sees what. Whereas this podcast, if you've subscribed and you're tuning in, you've made the choice to be here. And that matters tremendously to me.

Lisa [00:14:04]:
It.

Lisa [00:14:05]:
It really matters that you take time out of your life and your busy schedule every week to tune in to what I have to say. I do not take that lightly. So I just wanted to thank you guys again. So today we're going to talk about martyrdom and giving and giving and giving and giving. Because I think as women from a very early age, it's kind of hardwired into us that we're here to be the nurturers, we're here to be the givers. And learning how to adjust, tweak, soften those beliefs is really challenging for a lot of the women that I work with, and they don't understand that they're operating from this place of martyrdom, because for them, it's just, it's what we do as mothers, it's what we do as women. We just give and give and give. So I have a book that I read once that it was highly triggering to me and I wanted to share it with you guys because it really encompasses everything that I see wrong with this belief we have about our value, our personal self worth, being attached to how much of ourselves, how much of our time, how much of our energy we can give away.

Lisa [00:15:25]:
Because when we're constantly giving everything away to everybody else, there's nothing left for us. So now we're trying to give from an empty cup. And we wonder why we get stuck in feelings of anger and resentment and frustration and fatigue and exhaustion. And it's a big component that you need to look at in your life, especially if you're dealing with those things. Because if you're waiting for somebody else to make you feel better, that person isn't going to show up. This is your responsibility. But when we go from giving all the time to taking a look at how can I give to myself? Well, then feelings of guilt and selfishness and who are you to have an ego? Who are you to put yourself first? You're going to be one of those women. I'm proud to be one of those women.

Lisa [00:16:15]:
And I'm also proud that I walk my clients into being one of those women. In fact, I have a client who's been with me for a tremendous amount of time, on and off through the years. And there was a time when she first reached out to me for coaching, and I'm going to see if I can get her on the podcast. When she had first reached out for coaching and we went back and forth, this was at the time when I was running my Eat nutritional program in a studio setting. And she's like, well, you know, I need to go back and I need to ask my husband about this investment. And I said, that's really curious, that you need to ask permission from your husband if you're allowed to invest in yourself, to take care of yourself. So are you looking for somebody else to say that you are worthy of taking care of yourself, or is this a decision that you're going to powerfully step into for you? Because this is the difference between the conversation with the husband around, you know, can I do this thing? And handing your worthiness over them, over to them, versus. This is something that I want for myself.

Lisa [00:17:20]:
And this is a conversation that I recently had with another, with another listener of the podcast. So this is a common conversation, is what I'm trying to get to, is that we're constantly, I see this often where we hand over the responsibility of taking care of ourselves to somebody else, and then our needs don't get met, and then we're back in that place of resentment, frustration, anger, exhaustion, etcetera, etcetera. So the book that I'm talking about is called, and if you're a mom, you maybe have read this, it's called the giving tree. And at first it seems like a really lovely story between this beautiful tree and this little boy. And the little boy every day comes and needs something from the tree, whether it's to sit in the branches and I've got the book open in front of me, or, you know, play pretend or climbing or eating her apples. And the tree would just give and give and give. Then the boy showed up one day as he grew older, and, you know, I need wood for a house. So the tree's like, cut me down, take my wood.

Lisa [00:18:24]:
So the boy cut the tree down and took the wood. And then the boy wanted, you know, something else. I need a boat. Good. Take my boat, sail away, go be happy. Until the point where the tree was left as a stump, there was just a trunk left. And the words in the book are, the tree was happy, but not really right. The tree had given everything to the boy.

Lisa [00:18:51]:
But then was not happy. And when the boy came back, the tree said, I have nothing left to give you. My apples are gone. And the boy says, my teeth are too weak for apples. My branches are gone, said the tree. You cannot swing on them. And the boy says, I'm too old to swing on your branches. My trunk is gone, said the tree.

Lisa [00:19:13]:
You cannot climb. The boy said, I'm too tired to climb anyways. I'm sorry, sighed the tree. I wish I could give you something, but I have nothing left. I'm just an old stump, and I'm sorry. So in the end of the story, the old man, the boy who'd grown into an old man, simply sits on the stump, right? And then the stump is happy. And I read that and I was just so sad because it's so defines how we go through life as women, right? We give it all until we're a stump and we're still taking that. Oh, now you're just going to sit on my stump, and that's good enough.

Lisa [00:19:50]:
Now I'm happy because I've still found a way to give to you. Yet. That tree lost her branches. She lost her apple. She lost every part about her that made her amazing. And I want you to really check in with yourself. How much of yourself are you giving away? And this podcast episode isn't about saying don't give, don't be generous. But like they say in the airplanes, you know, when you put the, if the plane goes down, you've got to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, because if you pass out, you certainly can't help your family.

Lisa [00:20:24]:
So are you putting your oxygen mask on first? So when you think you're being selfish, taking care of yourself, that's actually you being selfless. Because the more you can take care of yourself, the more rested you are, the more refreshed you are, the more you have to show up for your family, for your business, for your colleagues, for your friends, for your clients. So I want to share with you, a lady in the group that I'm part of the group is a coach. This is for Jim Fortin. I've referred to him in previous episodes. And this lady's name is Kirsten. Hopefully I'm saying it correctly. And she's given me permission to share what she posted because I thought it was so powerful that more of you needed to hear this, because I know that her aha moment, you're going to listen to this and have your own aha moment.

Lisa [00:21:21]:
And that's what this work is about. It's not about me sitting up on a pedestal and saying I know it all, because I do not. I am still learning. And let me tell you, I've got so much to share with you guys in future episodes about some of the vulnerable things that I've had to navigate lately. So I wanted to read this to you. So she said, hi guys. I had a pretty epic aha about motherhood and self care over the weekend and I wanted to share it with you. She listened to the podcast episode, my podcast episode, how to stop yelling at your kids and be a great mom, which is episode number 15.

Lisa [00:22:00]:
And she started to think about how she showed up as a mom. So these are her words. I realized a while ago that I come from several generations of completely self sacrificing mothers, and I always thought this was how you show love to your family. You give all your love to them and don't keep any for yourself. Adopting this form of parenting, which she's now realized was her choice, has led me to carry a decent amount of resentment for me. This resentment generally simmers over a long period of time and eventually boils over. The most recent boiling over was last weekend. The next day my husband and I were talking about it, and I asked him if he hated me, right? Because they had this argument and he said no.

Lisa [00:22:49]:
Paused a while and then said this to her. I might though, if you don't start loving yourself and doing the things you need to do to take care of yourself. She goes on to say it was like the earth shattered. Even though I knew I should air quotes, do things for myself, deep down I felt like that would be selfish. But what my husband was saying was that this self sacrifice I've been clinging to so tightly wasn't even wanted. Not wanted, not helpful, right? Her family did not appreciate the fact that she wasn't taking care of herself. They saw it. Holy shit.

Lisa [00:23:35]:
But it makes sense, right? The act of giving all your love away to others is not rooted in love. It's rooted in lack. I'm going to read that sentence again. The act of giving all your love away to others is not rooted in love. It's rooted in lack. Like there's simply not enough love to go around. The truth is, love is abundant and unlimited. It was such a huge realization for her that she couldn't help but share it, and I couldn't help but go to her and say, please let me share this on the podcast because I know this is going to help so many women, right? She was literally being a martyr in her life because that had been modeled to her.

Lisa [00:24:23]:
This is how we show love. This is how we show our family that we care about them. This comes through in things like worry, right? People are attached to worrying about the people they love because they have a belief that the more you worry about somebody, the more it shows that you love them. But it really just robs you of your own peace of mind. It robs you from actually being able to enjoy the people in your life you love. And her sentence there about giving your love away to others is not rooted in love. It's rooted in lack. When I split up for my first husband, who's an amazing, amazing man, you know, we had two amazing sons together, which you know you're going to hear more about on this podcast, it was really hard for them.

Lisa [00:25:07]:
It was really hard for them as well. When the new man came into my life because they found they really loved him. They really loved him and they felt guilty. They felt guilty that they were loving him and loving their dad. And I took them to a therapist because I wanted them to have space to talk about their stuff, not with me. Parents, I hate to tell you this, but you cannot be everything to your kids. They are never going to fully admit all their stuff to you because they know you love them and they know you have a vested interest in them. Okay? So it's really important to empower your kids at an early age to learn how to reach out and talk to other people about things that they might be struggling with.

Lisa [00:25:47]:
That is one of the biggest gifts you can give them, because as adults, then they've already learned how to ask for help when they're in the weeds emotionally. And that's powerful, right? Because so many of us have judgments around. I should be able to figure this out, especially as high achievers. But what she said to them was so profound to me, and I've never forgotten it. And I want to share it with you. She said to my boys, if love was like a piece of pie, or if love was like a pie, you know, pretty soon you'd give a. A piece to your mom and a piece to your dad and a piece to your grandparents and a piece to your friends and a piece to your brothers, pretty soon there would be no more pie to go around. Okay, so this is what happens when we operate from this place of giving all of our self away.

Lisa [00:26:33]:
We're operating from this pie, but we're not giving ourselves a piece of the pie. So pretty soon there's no pie and we're sitting there hungry she said, love is like a chocolate fountain. It keeps flowing. There's no end. There's room for everybody to dip their marshmallows in. I have no idea why I'm using so many decadent food analogies today, considering I live from this place of really good health. So I'm kind of laughing at myself here. But love is like a chocolate fountain.

Lisa [00:27:06]:
It just keeps flowing. It's never ending. So I want to remind all of you listening that there is enough for you to dip yourself into the chocolate fountain, too. And when you do that, you will keep it flowing. But if you're constantly trying to give yourself away like pieces of the pie, you are going to end up exhausted with nothing left to give and feeling like the tree stump in the book. And I don't want you to be a tree stump because I know if you're listening to this podcast, you got things to do. You're here to make an impact in this world. You're here because you care.

Lisa [00:27:47]:
And we can't do amazing work in the world if we are exhausted, we cannot show up as our best selves. If we are not rested, we cannot have the impact and the sustainability we want in our businesses if we are not making sure that we are taking care of ourselves both physically and emotionally. You cannot be an afterthought in your life. You have to be a priority. And if that makes you uncomfortable, great. Guess what? You're not going to die from discomfort. And the more that you can get used to being in discomfort, knowing it's not going to kill you. And when you are uncomfortable, you are growing, the more you are going to evolve.

Lisa [00:28:35]:
Springtime right now, flowers are starting to burst forth. I can't imagine a seed pod opening up and then that little, you know, little sprout heading towards the surface that can't be comfortable. That's destruction. Things need to be destroyed in order to give birth to new things. So if you're staying in this comfortable place of giving, giving, giving, and being comfortable with your resentment and your frustration and your exhaustion, how much longer are you going to to choose that? Because I guarantee you, if you can step powerfully into I'm uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable to say no, it makes me feel guilty to put myself first. But you know what? I'm going to deal with feeling guilty, because on the other side, I'm going to feel better and I'm going to have more to give. Lean in. You're not going to die from the discomfort, right? Like, let's.

Lisa [00:29:31]:
Let's keep this real here. You have one life to live. How much more time are you going to like? How many more times are you going to throw yourself under the bus? How many more times are you going to live from this place of martyrdom? Right? We need to stop perpetuating this, ladies. We can love and take care of other people, and there's more than enough time for us to take care of ourselves. And if you feel like there isn't, you need to take an inventory and you need to start looking at what you need to say no to. Because if you are not at the top of your list, you will never thrive. And if you don't thrive, you are not going to live a fulfilling, happy, joyful life. Right? That's a choice.

Lisa [00:30:22]:
As always, it comes back to you. So thank you again, Kirsten, for sharing that powerful takeaway. Thank you for all of you, for listening. I hope that this episode is powerful because again, just like I'm just downloading this from the universe, I'm just talking unedited, but it's what needed to come through this week. So have an amazing week. Thank you for hanging out with me. Again, thank you for listening. Thank you for your reviews and the love and the feedback.

Lisa [00:30:58]:
I appreciate you so much. So go out and be your ambitious self. Go out and change the world. But make sure you're taking care of yourself first, because that's the only way you're really going to create the impact that you want to have in this world. So, until next week, thank you for tuning in. I appreciate you and have a fantastic, fantastic week. Put yourself first.