EPISODE 331: The Hidden Cost of Watching Your Mom Overwork with Emma Jory

00:00:00:00 - 00:00:33:12
Lisa
You built success that looks damn good on the outside, but inside it's costing you your health, your relationships, your energy. And no matter how much you do, it never feels like enough. Welcome to Congruent. I'm Lisa Carpenter, the coach. High performers call when they can afford to burn it all down, but they can't keep living like this either.

00:00:33:14 - 00:00:58:24
Lisa
Here we rip off the mask of success and expose what's real. The patterns that you keep running, the price that you've paid, and how to build success that fuels you instead of empties you. Real success is agency. It's powerful self leadership to run your life instead of being run by it. To let your drive and your well-being finally work together.

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Lisa
Because the real win is success. That actually feels good.

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Lisa
Carpenter and today is a coaching episode. And it's one that I want you to really pay attention to because I'm willing to bet you're going to see yourself in it. I'm working with Emma, who came into the session thinking we'd be coaching on impostor syndrome 25 years in her field, consistently getting great results with her clients and still uncomfortable asking for money, still over giving, still questioning whether she's good enough.

00:01:36:02 - 00:02:00:14
Lisa
But here's what we actually uncovered. Emma's been recreating her mom's life without even realizing it. She watched her mom overwork, put herself last, tie her worth to her productivity, and now, decades later, she's middle aged, exhausted, and seeing her mom staring back at her in the mirror. So many of us perpetuate the suffering of our parents. We pick up these patterns when we're young.

00:02:00:14 - 00:02:20:22
Lisa
We file them away in our subconscious, and then we spend our adult lives repeating them over, giving over functioning, hustling for our worthiness. And the worst part? Often we're aware we're doing it, but we don't know how to stop. If you've ever looked in the mirror and seen your parents staring back at you, if you're aware of the patterns but can't seem to change them.

00:02:20:24 - 00:02:29:05
Lisa
This coaching session is going to show you why awareness alone isn't enough and what actually creates transformation. Let's get into it.

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Lisa
Okay. Hey, welcome back to Congruent. And today I am with Emma and we are going to do a live coaching session. So Emma welcome to the podcast. And how about you start by telling me what you're struggling with, what you would like support on today.

00:02:49:13 - 00:03:20:17
Emma
Hi Lisa, thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here with you. I am actually, I resonated with what you are asking about a couple of questions. One was imposter syndrome, which seems to always come up even after, gosh, I think 25 years of teaching Pilates and yoga and rehab. And I even get great results with my clients, consistently.

00:03:20:19 - 00:03:52:29
Emma
Yet there is often always a doubt, that I'm not doing enough or good enough or even asking for the money exchange. So I guess that's probably one of the big ones for me. And perhaps even sometimes, you know, just being unsure of the direction. And if I'm, I'm kind of I often get quite overwhelmed with my work and feel like I am a bit of a workaholic as well.

00:03:53:01 - 00:03:59:05
Emma
But, yeah. So actually, that's probably the other one. There's a couple of things that resonated.

00:03:59:07 - 00:04:12:04
Lisa
Okay, so tell me about my pen. Just literally died on me. This is how we do it. That's okay, I like to I like to keep a few notes in front of me. You know that once you get over 50 things fall out.

00:04:12:06 - 00:04:13:27
Emma
Yes. Right.

00:04:13:29 - 00:04:25:03
Lisa
So we're just keeping it real here. I can't information in my head is I used to, which has been really wild. You know, that could sink me into imposter syndrome. However, I don't allow it to.

00:04:25:05 - 00:04:26:23
Emma
I it's.

00:04:26:26 - 00:04:43:23
Lisa
Reality. So this imposter syndrome, what is it actually costing you, Emma? Like, why is this the question or what caused this to be the question that you wanted to dive into with me? How is this impacting your life?

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Emma
I just know that I'm not 100% in my potential.

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Lisa
How would you know when you're in 100% of your potential? How are how are you measuring that?

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Emma
I guess it sort of comes down to when I'm asking for the money at the end of the session, or I feel like I have to give so much. I have to over give,

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Emma
Yeah. And I feel like sometimes I'm might bend to the client sometimes, you know, if, if they need, I'm just trying to think of some examples. Yeah. I'm just trying to squeeze in more than what is necessary in a session or be more reading, which is a good, good thing to have, I guess. You know where they're at and how they're feeling and tailoring to, you know, what they're what they're feeling.

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Emma
So I guess, yeah, I'm probably just over giving is the biggest thing I feel I do.

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Lisa
You feel like you're feeling you're over giving. And what causes you to believe that you need to over give what part of you is working so hard to get their acceptance?

00:06:07:02 - 00:06:24:05
Emma
Yeah, I guess I'm. Wanting them to see value. And I'm in what I give them and I guess. But perhaps I'm unsure of, yeah, if I'm giving enough value. I suppose that's the bottom line.

00:06:24:11 - 00:06:44:02
Lisa
Because we can tell ourselves that it's imposter syndrome. But the reality is, is I have yet to meet somebody who doesn't struggle with imposter syndrome at some level. And these are all levels of success, right? Fear, doubt, questioning ourselves like that stuff never goes away as long as it comes from it. You know, we can we can attend to that voice in a healthy way.

00:06:44:05 - 00:07:06:00
Lisa
But what I'm hearing is that you're actually working really hard to make sure that you're liked, to make sure that you're valuable. And in total, you value yourself until you value yourself. It doesn't matter how much you give to other people, you're always going to go back into the story of, I'm still not good enough. I'm still not worthy.

00:07:06:00 - 00:07:12:12
Lisa
I need to try harder. Where did you learn that?

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Emma
Gosh, I mean, it comes to mind with maybe, gosh, I don't know if it's my mom or, because she's a bit of a overworking perfectionist, too. So maybe it came from her. So what did she say?

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Lisa
What did you witness in her growing up?

00:07:31:01 - 00:07:56:16
Emma
She was a bit the same, actually. So she didn't value herself or enough. Definitely. And it's interesting because this is. I've never thought about this till today. So, Yes, definitely. She was an over worker and that came from her dad. So it's a bit of, perfectionism there, right?

00:07:56:19 - 00:08:13:13
Lisa
So I'm watching her as a young girl. Right? You're aware of this? You're telling me this, right? So it impacted you. How did that make you feel to see your mom overworking so much and over giving? And were you aware of the fact that your mom was not valuing herself?

00:08:13:16 - 00:08:37:17
Emma
Not at the time, actually. And yeah, so it's just looking back now that I realize she just gave always actually. So that's an interesting point. I just haven't thought about it before. I've always related it to other things and yeah. So she was she always put herself last and to she. Yeah. You know, she was overweight in the end.

00:08:37:17 - 00:08:46:02
Emma
And you know looking not looking her best in her in middle age. And it's just because she didn't take care of herself.

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Lisa
Right. And you loved your mom.

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Emma
Yes.

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Lisa
You, your mom. So you learn this from your mom?

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Emma
Yeah.

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Lisa
So who are you to value yourself when your mom couldn't even value herself?

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Emma
Yeah, yeah.

00:09:03:08 - 00:09:14:21
Emma
So true. And I see myself in her now as I'm middle age and not even see, you know, the way I don't look after myself. And I keep working and working. So. Yeah.

00:09:14:23 - 00:09:33:07
Lisa
So this is a big part of this journey when we're unraveling these, stories that our parents have given us, and we don't even realize we've picked them up. Right? Because most of the things that we're observing and our parents, we're just filling in our subconscious. Right? There's no level of discernment around, is this true? It's just this is what we see.

00:09:33:07 - 00:09:49:15
Lisa
This is what we know. And this starts to shape our reality. And what you're seeing and what you're hearing in this call is that you have started modeling your mom. So the very things about her that you can look at now and go, wow, I wish my mom had loved herself more. I wish my mom had taken care of herself more.

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Lisa
You're probably realizing that your mom didn't have to work so hard to be loved and valued, you know? Right? Did you need her to do more for you to feel? To love her?

00:10:00:04 - 00:10:02:11
Emma
Not at all. No, no.

00:10:02:13 - 00:10:32:07
Lisa
Her worth was just in who she was being. Okay, but she couldn't see that in herself. So then what happens is, you know, now you're an adult. And who are you to love yourself when your mom couldn't even love yourself? Who are you to love yourself or value yourself when your mom wasn't even valuing herself? And this is where we start to break these generational patterns, and it's wildly uncomfortable to carry yourself and to treat yourself in a way that a person you loved the most couldn't.

00:10:32:10 - 00:10:35:20
Lisa
It feels like an act of betrayal.

00:10:35:23 - 00:10:43:05
Emma
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Interesting.

00:10:43:08 - 00:10:58:21
Lisa
So we're only sharing the, audio on this, not the video, but I'm noticing you're wiping away aware teeth, wiping away tears. So can you tell me what just came up for you? And hearing that?

00:10:58:24 - 00:11:14:13
Emma
Yeah. So I think. I'm going to try very hard. Always.

00:11:14:15 - 00:11:38:23
Emma
Yeah. So she she's great now. She's loving life and very happy. But she did have a tough time. So Iraq feels a bit, Well, I didn't think of it. Betrayal. But. Yeah.

00:11:38:25 - 00:11:46:13
Emma
It could be. Yeah. Just. Yeah, it's. I've never even realized this part of it.

00:11:46:15 - 00:11:52:01
Lisa
Because you watched your mom suffer doesn't mean that you need to suffer as well.

00:11:52:04 - 00:12:09:17
Lisa
And what, beautiful gift you give your mom by saying, like, I'm going to do different for myself, and I'm worthy and deserving of loving myself without having to suffer through and overwork and over give to prove my value, my worth.

00:12:09:20 - 00:12:19:04
Emma
Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Interesting. What is I going.

00:12:19:04 - 00:12:27:26
Lisa
To change for you?

00:12:27:28 - 00:12:41:03
Emma
Yeah. I'll feel a bit more in my power because, Yeah, I don't always feel, you know,

00:12:41:06 - 00:12:58:13
Emma
I always give my best, and I do, I do do a very good job, which I know I do. I get great results, and I'm professional. It would just help me feel more ease. I think, because. Yeah, more at peace inside myself.

00:12:58:16 - 00:13:05:16
Lisa
So how is this going to change how you approach clients? How is this going to change how you ask for money?

00:13:05:18 - 00:13:12:11
Emma
Let's start there.

00:13:12:13 - 00:13:16:15
Emma
Yeah. I won't feel uncomfortable. As uncomfortable.

00:13:16:17 - 00:13:21:11
Lisa
Right. So you might still feel uncomfortable. I don't like to.

00:13:21:14 - 00:13:22:05
Emma
You know.

00:13:22:07 - 00:13:45:13
Lisa
Just call and everything's going to feel great. But the difference is, is when that discomfort comes up, when you're asking for money, you're going to recognize which part of you that's coming from. And the balloon that was driving that. And this is where we move from awareness into action, taking different action. Like how do we how do we train ourselves, how do we reprogram ourselves?

00:13:45:15 - 00:14:05:16
Lisa
And so much of it is about meeting these parts of ourselves that we bring awareness to, oh, this is the part of me that is modeling what my mom taught me to be. And you can meet that part of me with compassion and say, you know, I just delivered amazing service to my client. They're getting amazing results. Of course they want to pay me.

00:14:05:18 - 00:14:09:13
Lisa
And of course, this is a beautiful exchange of energy.

00:14:09:15 - 00:14:10:20
Emma
Yeah.

00:14:10:22 - 00:14:19:02
Lisa
Yeah, right. You don't have to over give in order to feel worthy of receiving that payment.

00:14:19:04 - 00:14:21:19
Emma
Yeah, yeah.

00:14:21:21 - 00:14:28:14
Lisa
And do you see the energetic burden now you take off of your clients as well?

00:14:28:16 - 00:14:45:27
Emma
Totally. Because I even feel myself getting uncomfortable, you know, in my body at the time, even though I've given, you know, so much help to them and yet. Yeah, I mean, comfortable, uncomfortable in my own skin when I do it. So. Yeah.

00:14:45:29 - 00:14:53:01
Lisa
So the practice is in, in asking for payment. So I'm assuming you're asking for payment after each session.

00:14:53:03 - 00:15:00:03
Emma
Yes. Or sometimes the package. Yeah. But new sessions sometimes buy a package. All right.

00:15:00:05 - 00:15:32:02
Lisa
So getting grounded in your body which I know you know how to do as a Pilates instructor, very connected to your body being very conscious and aware of what you're experiencing, the emotion you're feeling. And in that moment, supporting yourself with a lot of compassion, moving into a place of neutrality. So you feel the emotion and you still ask for the money, but you're trying to shift into that place of like, I'm asking for this money is actually the the law of reciprocity in motion.

00:15:33:02 - 00:15:43:16
Lisa
And what a beautiful gift I just gave to this client. And what a beautiful gift they give to me. And trusting the exchange of energy there is fair.

00:15:43:18 - 00:15:48:08
Emma
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

00:15:48:11 - 00:16:13:24
Lisa
So coming back to that place of practicing emotional neutrality and things that have been a charge, it's kind of the practice of witnessing ourselves like the best way to describe it is it's like it's almost like you move out of your body and you witness how you're responding, how you're reacting, how your how your nervous system is responding, and then wrapping your arms around yourself and saying, we're good, we've got this.

00:16:13:24 - 00:16:24:15
Lisa
I know where these feelings are coming from and it's safe for you to just ask for money and have no emotional attachment to it.

00:16:24:17 - 00:16:33:22
Emma
That's brilliant. Yeah, it's good because I never really had a tool. So I was sitting in it and aware of it, but I didn't know what to do. So that's great. Yeah.

00:16:33:24 - 00:16:59:00
Lisa
So when I first started speaking, I was talking to somebody else about this earlier today when I first started speaking. Speaking has always been an edge for me, which is ironic, right? Because now I kind of speak for a living. I'm on zoom all the time, but speaking was always an edge for me, and I came to a place where I realized that the part of me that was scared to speak was the little girl in me who always heard her dad, you know, kind of like talk to the hand.

00:16:59:01 - 00:17:21:08
Lisa
Always felt like I didn't have a voice. Right? Even though I did have an opinion nobody wanted to hear. It was back in the day of like, children should be seen and not heard. So every time I went to speak or stand up or do anything that required my voice, it was starting to pay attention to, oh, this discomfort is coming from that part of me that is literally afraid to speak up.

00:17:21:10 - 00:17:43:18
Lisa
So it was like adult me had to parent child me through that moment of emotional discomfort. And the more that I did that right, the more that I separated out that part from me and I didn't make a wrong. It's valid that you're feeling the way you're feeling based on what you learned and what was model to you from your mom about worthiness.

00:17:43:20 - 00:18:18:18
Lisa
And it's now your responsibility as an adult to properly parent that part of you who very innocently picked up some misinformed stories about her value. And the more you do that, the mortal soften. So that little girl still shows up for me occasionally, depending on what type of speaking engagement it is. But for the most part, now she she kind of just sits quietly in the background because she knows that everything is fine and she doesn't have to, you know, she doesn't have to hustle for anything.

00:18:18:21 - 00:18:20:02
Emma
So anyhow.

00:18:20:05 - 00:18:46:28
Lisa
Just a practice. And sometimes it's less tools. And, you know, there's so many different ways out there that we can reprogram our subconscious mind. You know, from hypnosis to eMDR, like there's all these different modalities and they're all effective. But oftentimes we forget as conscious adults that we have the power to shift those stories in our conscious awareness.

00:18:47:01 - 00:19:05:03
Lisa
But it takes a tremendous amount of personal responsibility to stay with the discomfort, love it, meet it with compassion, nurture it, and say, I've got you, and then move forward and it will feel uncomfortable until it doesn't.

00:19:05:06 - 00:19:27:18
Emma
Yeah, yeah. That's great. Really good. I actually hadn't yeah, hadn't been through that sort of path that, that tool and that, that path. So that's, that's brilliant. Yeah, I'll definitely use that. And I can resonate as well with the be seen and not heard with the injunction. So I'll try to work on that as well.

00:19:27:20 - 00:19:37:00
Lisa
What does it look like for you to truly value your own value?

00:19:44:15 - 00:19:52:11
Emma
Yeah, it means compassion. Actually, it looks like compassion. It looks like.

00:19:52:14 - 00:20:08:18
Emma
You're just being aware and, And confidence. Like having the confidence. So just. Yeah. You're rooting that that compassion, I think. Yeah. And watching, like you said, you.

00:20:08:20 - 00:20:09:16
Lisa
Your children.

00:20:09:18 - 00:20:14:25
Emma
Need. Yeah. And I think the.

00:20:14:27 - 00:20:17:21
Lisa
Courage I asked, did you have do you have children.

00:20:17:23 - 00:20:19:19
Emma
No you don't. Okay.

00:20:19:24 - 00:20:24:27
Lisa
Do when you've. So you've got a dog on your lap.

00:20:25:00 - 00:20:25:10
Emma
Yes.

00:20:25:17 - 00:20:27:26
Lisa
You have you had your dog since it was a puppy.

00:20:27:29 - 00:20:29:02
Emma
Yes.

00:20:29:05 - 00:20:34:18
Lisa
Did you bully it into learning how to behave?

00:20:34:20 - 00:20:36:15
Lisa
Not to really.

00:20:36:15 - 00:20:45:17
Emma
Not really much. No, I'm just thinking that I meant it. No, no, my husband more than me. I'm thinking of, not me. So big. Something.

00:20:45:19 - 00:20:48:10
Lisa
Right. But firm boundaries.

00:20:48:12 - 00:20:48:25
Emma
Yes.

00:20:49:02 - 00:21:07:20
Lisa
Repetition. Yeah. Competition. Repetition. Repetition. Lots of love and compassion. But also knowing the moments where you have to say like sit, stay and you have to be firm in your voice, but it's still coming from a place of love. This is what I'm inviting you into with yourself.

00:21:08:22 - 00:21:21:09
Lisa
And learning to love and value yourself is is literally looking at what in your life, Emma, that you are tolerating. What voices are you tolerating? What stories are you telling yourself that you're tolerating?

00:21:22:02 - 00:21:38:01
Lisa
Whether it's about your profession, your body, your your relationships, it doesn't really matter what it is. But really getting clear on what are the things that I'm hearing all the time in my brain. And have I ever stopped to check in to see if they're actually true?

00:21:38:03 - 00:21:41:10
Emma
Yeah, yeah.

00:21:41:12 - 00:21:49:18
Lisa
Right. Because you even mentioned like, direction and overwhelm. I'd love to hear a little bit more about that as well.

00:21:49:20 - 00:22:16:00
Emma
I guess sometimes I feel maybe like I operate too well in. Having too much on my plate sometimes, like I. And I feel that, yeah, I'm a bit more uncomfortable to slow down. I'm getting better at it these days, but it's more of an ingrained pattern to. Yeah, how can.

00:22:16:00 - 00:22:23:03
Lisa
You be valuable if you slow down, if your productivity is tied to your worth? Because you learn that from your mom?

00:22:23:06 - 00:22:42:02
Emma
Yeah, yeah. That's that, that's it. That's so true. I and I notice I did slow down there for a little while. I like, you know, I have two businesses. So I have the face to face brick and mortar and also online. So I tend to finish the face to face and then come home and work at night on the online.

00:22:42:02 - 00:23:10:27
Emma
But that wasn't working so well. You know, I just wasn't sleeping that well. I'm, I did stop the online work for quite a while, and I felt good and I noticed things were still fine too. You know, I could still so but then I found myself back in the zone again. So yeah, it's that breaking that pattern. And also funny, just I take on maybe too much, perhaps.

00:23:10:29 - 00:23:11:18
Emma
Perhaps.

00:23:11:18 - 00:23:13:07
Lisa
Or you take on too much.

00:23:13:09 - 00:23:15:00
Emma
Yeah I do.

00:23:15:03 - 00:23:27:23
Lisa
So what do you, what do you want, Emma. Because the what you want will help to do direct will help direct the choices that you're going to make to support yourself. So what do you want?

00:23:27:26 - 00:23:39:22
Emma
Definitely aiming for more financially at the moment. So I think that's probably what's driving it.

00:23:39:25 - 00:23:44:14
Lisa
And what about that is important to you?

00:23:44:17 - 00:23:54:23
Emma
I guess that's tied in my worth as well. And freedom. You know, I would like more cash flow to have more choices and freedom.

00:23:54:26 - 00:24:14:05
Lisa
And actually, what kind of choices do you want to be making with that extra cash flow? And how do you even define freedom? Because what I know about freedom is most high achieving. Men and women want freedom, but then when they get that freedom, they have no idea to do what to do with the freedom and they just continue to create chaos.

00:24:14:08 - 00:24:37:16
Lisa
It's like chasing a little, you're never going to actually get there. And even with money, I am here for big financial goals, right? I am, I'm here for all of this. I have no problem with anybody wanting to create this, but I always ask my clients to get really, really clear on do they even know how much they want and need in order to create the freedom that they want?

00:24:37:18 - 00:25:05:22
Lisa
Because often we give ourselves these abstract goals with no way to define it. And I've had clients be, you know, like a couple thousand dollars from where they need to be, which means they get to make very different choices than if they're $10, $10,000 a month from where they need to be, so to speak. Right. But until you have clarity around, well, what specifically, is that dollar number, that dollar amount that I need and that I want.

00:25:05:22 - 00:25:30:20
Lisa
And this is why I wanted this is where the I want the money to go. Because money loves direction, right? No purpose, likes direction. So I'm sure I don't need to tell you anytime you wanted to bring something into your life. When you know the dollar amount, it's so much easier to create that money because you know, I need X number of dollars to buy this particular thing and you figure it out.

00:25:30:22 - 00:25:49:03
Lisa
But so often in business, we give ourselves this abstract or goal that it's attached to nothing so that we can stay in this pattern of chasing our tail. I need more, I need to work more or but I want freedom. But this doesn't feel free. So that's why I'm asking those questions.

00:25:49:05 - 00:26:20:22
Emma
Yeah, yeah. For me, I think I have some specific goals, like traveling and living half a life in Italy. House. Initially I have some specific goals, but, yeah, I probably don't really focus enough on those, so I. Yeah, often just say I want more money, but I need to really focus on what actually is. Yeah.

00:26:20:24 - 00:26:28:27
Lisa
I mean, right, like you need an extra $20,000 by the end of the year because you want to take a trip to here and to here.

00:26:29:00 - 00:26:29:29
Emma
Yeah.

00:26:30:01 - 00:26:42:19
Lisa
Right. This place and everything. What is that actually going to look like in terms of finances. Right. So making it crystal clear because then you're able to direct your energy. Don't worry about the dog. I'm fine.

00:26:42:21 - 00:26:43:18
Emma
Yeah.

00:26:43:20 - 00:26:53:00
Lisa
There's real life people. This is the real life. So do you see how that creates clarity instead of this trap of I need more?

00:26:53:03 - 00:26:55:09
Emma
Yeah, I love that.

00:26:55:12 - 00:27:12:09
Lisa
Because it'll give you focus, because then you'll be able to decide. Emma. Okay, I want to take this trip. We want to take this trip in September. This is how much the trip is going to cost. Do I need to say yes to five clients, or do I only need to say yes to maybe two clients? What are my boundaries?

00:27:12:14 - 00:27:28:08
Lisa
How long of a runway am I giving myself in order to achieve that goal? Based on what I also want and need for my health and my wellbeing? Normally you don't want to repeat your mom's patterns and you want to value yourself above everything else.

00:27:29:15 - 00:27:39:06
Lisa
Maybe it's only you work two evenings a week and it's only three clients, and you're done by this time because that pursuit of more never ends.

00:27:39:08 - 00:28:13:27
Emma
So true, so true. And and bringing it back to mom is a really good reminder. And yeah, I also am aware of my relationship. And if I'm working at night, I'm not spending time with my husband and I think that's a big thing too. So, and she went down that path also, you know, separate, separating. And so for me, I need to be mindful of my actions and.

00:28:13:29 - 00:28:17:28
Emma
People around me and how to fix them as well, not just me.

00:28:18:00 - 00:28:49:12
Lisa
Right. So you're not recreating your mom's life. You get to be the conscious creator of your own life. So really also looking at your values, right? If you value travel, if you value family, if you value freedom, are your choices lining up with the things you value? What are going to be the boundaries around your work hours so you can look at you can use your mom's path as, a kind of a roadmap of what you don't want.

00:28:51:25 - 00:29:13:04
Lisa
And then ask yourself what things do I need to value differently and what choices do I need to make differently to support what I want in the world. Because you don't get an extra brownie badge. Like I said, for recreating your mom's life and suffering the way she suffered, she's found her freedom and happiness. Now, you said that.

00:29:13:06 - 00:29:35:23
Emma
Yes, she's really happy and she's very, very, very good place. So it's even though she's been, you know, working, working a lot and, you know, in her life and she's done some, you know, I guess tough moments in her life. She had some tough moments. But she's in a brilliant place now. So in fact she's inspiring and and yeah, do look up to her.

00:29:35:24 - 00:29:45:09
Emma
So that. Yeah. But I do see and she even sees where she's, you know, taking paths that could have been better I guess.

00:29:45:11 - 00:30:09:02
Lisa
You know, I like, is always going to life. You've probably heard me say that before, right. Like we're not going to escape hardships in life. It's just part of being human. But we also don't have to earn our way to being happy and to living a fulfilling life. Right? So just watch that you don't get into that pattern of like, oh, I do have to struggle so that then I can be rewarded with where my mom is now.

00:30:09:02 - 00:30:12:12
Lisa
I have to earn my way to that type of life.

00:30:13:18 - 00:30:22:09
Lisa
Instead of saying what would happen if I made the decision to create that type of life for myself now?

00:30:22:12 - 00:30:25:01
Emma
Yeah, that's that's powerful, right?

00:30:25:01 - 00:30:35:21
Lisa
To value rest to value family to value who I'm being and my skill and my expertise that I bring to the world and just to your being.

00:30:35:23 - 00:30:57:19
Emma
That is a big one, actually. Giving myself permission. You know, I feel like I often have to give myself permission to rest. And it's often after I'm exhausted or, and and I'm conscious of that, that I don't I'm not doing it before I get to the exhaustion point as well. So that's a big reminder, right?

00:30:57:19 - 00:31:04:20
Lisa
Your dog doesn't matter. Doesn't care how you're feeling. If it's tired, it will rest.

00:31:04:22 - 00:31:06:11
Emma
You're right, it's.

00:31:06:14 - 00:31:13:11
Lisa
Whereas you're running around exhausting yourself, making sure everybody is taken care of, and then you get to rest.

00:31:13:13 - 00:31:16:15
Emma
Yeah.

00:31:16:18 - 00:31:32:08
Lisa
Right. Rest. Rest is not a reward. It's actually a key in creating more success for yourself. And it's that it's finding the balance between rest and productivity.

00:31:32:10 - 00:31:32:29
Emma
Oh.

00:31:33:02 - 00:31:38:12
Lisa
Right. We need both. But you do not have to earn rest.

00:31:38:14 - 00:31:50:18
Emma
Yeah, that's a good reminder. Definitely. And it is I know I I'm consciously yeah I'm conscious about it. Yet I still don't do it. I'm aware of what I do but I still don't give myself that. So.

00:31:50:20 - 00:31:55:24
Lisa
So what would changing that pattern look like?

00:31:55:27 - 00:32:14:00
Emma
What you said before was great, just like working a couple of nights a week and making sure I stick to that. In just letting things.

00:32:14:03 - 00:32:26:00
Emma
Be or go and just to actually creating the time. Carving out the time to rest, to read a book or. Yeah, just hang out with my hubby more at the night.

00:32:26:03 - 00:32:35:22
Lisa
And it might be putting it on your calendar. So here's what I'd like you to do. And for anybody listening who struggles with this, I think some of the hardest boundaries to set are the ones with ourselves.

00:32:35:24 - 00:32:36:04
Emma
Have.

00:32:36:06 - 00:32:40:28
Lisa
Set boundaries with ourselves until we're clear on what it is we want and need.

00:32:41:00 - 00:32:41:10
Emma
So be.

00:32:41:10 - 00:32:54:14
Lisa
Really clear. Like how many nights a week do you want to be able to hang out with your hubby? Yeah. How often do you have them? How often do you want to be able to sit down and read a book for 30 minutes? What time do you want to go to bed? How many clients do you want on your roster?

00:32:54:14 - 00:33:25:12
Lisa
Like, really? Everybody listening has permission to create their ideal life, their ideal day, their ideal week. Now, I'm not saying it's always going to be like picture perfect because life happens. But if we start with the blueprint, right? Like if you know that on Tuesdays and Thursdays you want to be on the couch with your hubby watching your favorite show or snuggled up together reading books together, then that means when the client says to you, can I see you on Tuesday, Emma?

00:33:25:14 - 00:33:27:11
Lisa
No, I'm available.

00:33:28:13 - 00:33:52:14
Lisa
But I do take clients on Monday and Wednesday between 4 and 6. Yeah. Because you've allocated I'm only seeing two clients in the evening on this day and on this day. Right. Like you've set up your parameters so that you're not exhausting yourself. And then after you've tried this schedule for a couple of weeks, you step back. This is for everybody listening.

00:33:52:14 - 00:33:58:21
Lisa
You step back and say, okay, that was great. But what worked and what didn't work? Where do I need.

00:33:58:21 - 00:33:59:04
Emma
To.

00:33:59:07 - 00:34:17:29
Lisa
Change things? You know what? I actually want? Three nights on the couch with my hubby or going for a walk or whatever. And I only really want to see clients in the evening one night, and I'd rather see four clients one night than two clients on this night and two clients on that night. And then you try that and you see how that works.

00:34:18:02 - 00:34:47:26
Lisa
So it's giving yourself permission to always check in with what you want need what's working and what's not working, but understanding. You have. And it's such a gift that you get 100%. You get to be 100% responsible for your schedule and creating what you want. And working from the commitment that I am no longer available for overwork, exhaustion, being busy over functioning, seeking people's approval.

00:34:47:28 - 00:34:50:18
Lisa
Yeah, hustling for my worthiness.

00:34:50:20 - 00:34:54:06
Emma
Yeah, yeah.

00:34:54:09 - 00:35:13:23
Lisa
You deserve to have a life of fulfillment. Joy. Peace is. And you can create whatever you want from that and that. That applies even if you decide you're going to switch careers, because it still comes down to what do I want need? How do I want to build this new career around what I want need and the boundaries that are going to keep me?

00:35:13:23 - 00:35:22:13
Emma
Well, Yes. What's great?

00:35:22:15 - 00:35:24:18
Lisa
To feel like you got what you needed.

00:35:24:21 - 00:35:48:12
Emma
Yeah, definitely. Definitely. It's like I've been. I mean, I've been aware of myself, but I'm just still running unconsciously or aware. But it's a bit strange. Still aware, but not making a change. So yeah. Dipping in and out. So that's a brilliant. Yeah. Great. It's something I don't.

00:35:48:12 - 00:36:07:12
Lisa
It's it's one thing like we can have awareness of something. But oftentimes at least for the men and women I work with, there needs to be an understanding of like, why am I doing this over and over? And that's where this like, saboteur comes in, right? Like, and then you start beating yourself up because you're aware of it, but you don't know how to change it.

00:36:07:14 - 00:36:16:27
Lisa
Yeah. But often when we're not aware of where it's starting from, where the root of it came from, it makes it harder to change because we just believe that's who we are.

00:36:17:17 - 00:36:44:13
Lisa
So it feeds the flawed story, feeds the shame story. It feeds the I'm not good enough story. So we're constantly fueling the things in us that we don't want. So you know we don't always get to the root of why we are the way we are. Sometimes we do, sometimes we don't. But it really does come down to once you have this heightened awareness is taking responsibility for what it is you want in your life.

00:36:44:16 - 00:36:51:24
Lisa
And then using these pattern interrupts, using these tools that I gave you today to support you in creating that.

00:36:51:26 - 00:37:02:26
Emma
Yeah. You know, for me, is it the value and the compassion is, is huge, I think. Are you definitely right. And here's someone.

00:37:02:29 - 00:37:29:06
Lisa
Here's what I'll leave you with. And this this is for everybody listening. You know, you want to spend more time with your husband because you love and you value him. So you make the time to connect in with him, right? Make sure your relationship is solid and healthy. And we do that for the people we love. And it's not until we start to do that for ourselves that things really change for us when we pour into our own relationship with our self.

00:37:29:06 - 00:37:47:25
Lisa
In the same way, when we have those checks and balances, where we recognize deep conversations with ourselves are the ones that matter the most, that's when things really start to shift in. I'm excited for what will transpire on the other side of this call for you, and I.

00:37:47:27 - 00:37:54:03
Emma
Yeah. Me too. It's been amazing, really. It's. Yeah, really embedded some things.

00:37:54:05 - 00:38:06:22
Lisa
That's so good. Well, thanks for getting up early and joining me. And I'm sure there's going to be a lot of people listening that get tremendous value out of, of everything that you shared. So thank you for being so open and honest and vulnerable about everything.

00:38:06:24 - 00:38:09:25
Emma
Thank you for your amazing help. Amazing. Thank you.

00:38:10:06 - 00:38:34:10
Lisa
So here's what I want you to sit with. What patterns are you repeating that you watched growing up? What are you getting from over giving, from tying your worth to productivity, from staying exhausted that you won't admit? Emma came in thinking we coach on impostor syndrome, but the real work was uncovering the operating system underneath that was running her life.

00:38:34:13 - 00:38:36:09
Lisa
And I'm willing to bet there's

00:38:36:09 - 00:39:00:05
Lisa
an operating system running yours, too. If you're done perpetuating the suffering, if you're ready to stop recreating what you watched and start becoming the conscious creator of your own life. Book a free congruency audit with my team will identify what's working, what's out of sync, and the single biggest opportunity to bring your life, your work, and your self back into congruence.

00:39:00:07 - 00:39:08:20
Lisa
Book yours today at Lisa Carpenter aka Forward Slash Audit. Because what pattern are you ready to stop

00:39:08:20 - 00:39:09:13
Lisa
repeating?