EPISODE 273: How a Moment of Shame Can Lead to Powerful Personal Healing

Lisa [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the full frontal Living podcast. I'm Lisa Carpenter, master life coach to driven, ambitious humans who want more out of life without having to sacrifice themselves to achieve it. I'll share how it's possible to slow down, take better care of yourself, find more peace and ease, create sustainable energy, stop procrastination and overwhelm and fall in love with your life, your business and your body. This podcast is for you. If you're ready to learn what it takes to thrive as a high school performer, do less but achieve more, make you and your well being a top priority, and create your extraordinary life. I'm so glad you're here. Well, hey. Hey.

Lisa [00:00:47]:
Thanks for joining me for another episode of the full Frontal Living podcast. And this is definitely a first for me because I am recording this episode while sitting in the Mallorca airport. I never in a million years would have thought that I would be recording an episode in the airport. But, you know, I've said time and time again that this podcast isn't about getting things perfect. It's about showing up and delivering the message as the message needs to come through to be of service of all of you. So I'm just off of the Camino a couple weeks ago. I've got lots of updates that I want to share with you about the Camino and lessons from that. And then I've just spent a beautiful week in Mallorca with a previous client, and that was just so rewarding.

Lisa [00:01:37]:
And one of the things that I'm really reflecting on and in deep gratitude for is the life that I've built for myself, the business that I've built for myself, and the amazing women and men that I've worked with from around the globe that I'm now having the opportunity to spend in person time with. And there's something really special about cultivating such deep connections with people, because my clients and I walk this path together, shoulder to shoulder, where, you know, they're going through massive changes in their life, whether it's working through their relationship stuff or stuff within their businesses or with their kids, or, you know, personal things like letting go of perfectionism, or not being attached to so many things, you know, overly caretaking, not prioritizing themselves. There's lots of different themes that I work with my clients on. And during this time, we get to know each other really, really intimately. And I also let my clients into my life because if you haven't figured it out yet, I am a massive storyteller because I believe that we learn and grow when we're listening to somebody else's story because we think, well, what would I do in that situation? Or, oh, you know, Lisa does it that way. I've never looked at things that way. So I'm a massive storyteller. So the intimate relationship goes both ways.

Lisa [00:03:06]:
I am not a coach that stands on some pedestal, looking down at my clients holier than now and pretending like I don't have my own stuff, I do. And the clients who walk the Camino with me, and then, you know, just spending time with this client in Mallorca, I really allowed them to come behind the scenes of my world and the things that have been happening for me and shared very openly and honestly everything from personal relationships to into my business. So, you know, if you ever considered working with me and hiring me as your coach, I want you to know that that is the type of relationship we're going to have. So make no mistake about it, when I'm coaching you, I'm not there to be your best friend, but I am there to be honest with you about what it looks like to be human and what it looks like to be able to use these tools and see the world through a different lens and also know that you are not broken. There's nothing that needs to be fixed, and you're never going to be done. And that's not a bad thing. For all the years I've been doing this work, there's still stuff that comes up for me, and I still work through it. But my job is to support my clients being able to navigate that in a more beautiful way.

Lisa [00:04:19]:
And by allowing them to see my process, it gives them permission to be more accepting and have more grace for themselves as they go through this process. Because I was just leaving a message for a client saying, you know, she was. She was really being honest about the fact that she was in shame. And that's really what this episode is going to be about. And I said, just be mindful that you don't shame yourself for feeling shame, because shame, like happiness, sadness, anger, is just another emotion on the human spectrum. And when we shame ourselves for feeling shame, it just creates more shame. So when we feel shame, it's how we want to show up for ourselves in that moment. So this is a really great lead into what I want to talk about on this episode and part of what I've experienced on the Camino.

Lisa [00:05:08]:
And I'm going to hope that there aren't really loud airport announcements. I've noticed that that's definitely a thing here. They don't do loud announcements like we do in Vancouver. So the Camino. I went into the camino. I signed up for this experience, this retreat, with some amazing women. I'm not even sure how many women were on this retreat together, but it literally was called your Camino, your way, which meant you walked the walk the way that you wanted to walk the walk. And if you were watching my Instagram Stories, you'll know that my Camino truck was anything but sunny jaunt in, in the backroads of Spain.

Lisa [00:05:51]:
It was. Other than the one day where we had beautiful weather, we were walking in progressively worse rain every day, like torrential downpours. It was, it was something. It was, you know, my last episode, I talked about being there without any expectations. And I can tell you after three days in of having, you know, massive amounts of rain, I was like, you know, you know what? I did have an expectation. I had an expectation that it was going to be nice or, you know, that I wasn't going to be soaking wet every single day. And I'm exaggerating because we weren't soaking wet. Well, we were, but we knew the rain was coming.

Lisa [00:06:30]:
So we went to the dollar store and I bought everybody these bright yellow raincoats and, like, rain ponchos. And we just, you know, we just made lemonade out of lemons and had a good time. And, I mean, you could definitely see us from miles away, and we had fun with it, but it definitely wasn't the weather experience that I wanted. And as someone who doesn't like being cold and wet, it was not lost on me that I traveled all the way to Spain to experience the weather that I completely avoid in my own backyard, you know, eight months out of the year. So, anyways, back to my story, your Camino. When I came to the Camino, I knew I'd be here with my best friend, and I also knew that I would have a few current previous clients with me. So I was really looking forward to spending time with them. There were also some people on the trek that I have coached within a group setting, and I was looking forward to deepening those relationships.

Lisa [00:07:29]:
But beyond that, I did not come on this retreat or to have this experience to meet new people or to deepen my relationship with new people. Because, as you've heard me say, if you've been listening to the podcast regularly, 2023, the past, you know, 14 months have really, it's provided me with a lot of challenges. Definitely in a dark night of the soul, a deeper looking at my own personal shadow, sides and things that I need to let go of. And I knew I didn't want to be walking the Camino, making new friends. Not that I wasn't open to, you know, highs and stuff along the Camino. I'm always open to be friendly with people, but I wasn't interested in having small talk with anybody, and I wasn't really interesting, interested in, like I said, meeting new people or deepening those conversations every single day. And I love what I do. I'm in deep, soulful, often disruptive, mostly disruptive conversations with my clients.

Lisa [00:08:37]:
And I wanted the Camino trek to be time for me, for me to be with me, for me to be inside with me and to me, for me to only be surrounded by people who already kind of knew what's been going on in my life and to allow myself to be supportive, supported instead of being the one supporting. And it's so easy for me when I'm meeting new people because I don't really know how to do small talk. It's so easy for me to get into those deep conversations with people, and I knew I didn't want to do that. So I want to preface it with that. So, you know, we had our six days of walking, and we had a lot of late nights with a lot of late dinners. You know, the whole experience was just, I'm not going to poo poo on any of it. It was, all of it was as it needed to be. But let's just say that quite often, I was getting into a place of halt, right? Hungry, angry, lonely, tired.

Lisa [00:09:34]:
And you've probably heard me say before, if you're in halt, typically you're not going to behave as your best. So I wasn't always my best come the evening, especially when it's, you know, 09:00 and I'm still waiting to eat, and I want to go to sleep because we were getting up early so that we could try and beat the heavier rain. So we would check the weather forecast, kind of see what time it was going to be really dumping, and be like, okay, we're going to leave 2 hours before that. So we're only walking in, you know, crazy downpours for 3 hours as opposed to two. So I do want to preface it with I was in halt, and when we're in halt, we are more easily triggered. And I was really having to be mindful of managing, I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but I call it like that inner tantrum, right? So a lot of people just, like, outwardly tantrum but when you become self aware, it's like you really notice what's going on inside of you. So I was always very mindful of managing that. That inner tantrum.

Lisa [00:10:32]:
Right? Like, lucy, you know, you need to eat at least, so, you know, you need to sleep. Like, this is not a good time for you to be saying XYZ or doing ABC. So, anyways, it was our last night with the group, and dinner was late, and it wasn't particularly good. We were staying at a monastery, so it's not like it was five star dining, and I was tired. The last day of the camino was the, by far, the hardest day of the walk, because you, you know, you're done. You have no idea when you're gonna get to your destination. And it was. It was raining so hard.

Lisa [00:11:05]:
It was, like, unbelievable. And it was so windy. The wind was so strong that it actually grabbed my poncho and ripped an entire strip off of it. I actually thought I was gonna be, like, rocketed down the freeway at one point when we were passing an overpass. It was pretty wild. So it was just kind of like, you know, we were on our last day, and we just were like, let's get it done. So it had been a long day, is what I'm trying to say. And they asked us to come into a room so that we could kind of close the circle for the group.

Lisa [00:11:38]:
And the instructions were that we were each going to hand out a crystal to somebody in the group that had impacted us or that. Yeah, somebody that we had. We had impacted. And I want to preface this with saying, you know, at the beginning of the trip, we didn't sit down, and we didn't sit down and kind of state our intentions for what we were there for or, you know, anything like that. We had a call way out, but. And again, it's not good or bad. Like, everything happened the way it was meant to happen for me. So in this room, we.

Lisa [00:12:14]:
We had to hand out these crystals to each person or to one person in the room and just let them know how they had impacted you. And I spend my life impacting people, and that's really important to me, to have an impact on this planet, to make an impact in the lives of my clients. And as soon as she announced the exercise, I already knew that this was not going to feel good for me, because I knew I hadn't had any conversations with anybody that had really impacted. That was not the purpose of my Camino trek. My Camino trek was really about me and going inwards with me. So it was kind of that immediate feeling of being the kid on the playground, knowing that they were picking for teams and knowing that you're, like, not an athlete and not going to be picked. So immediately I was like, okay. I just had this sense of what was, how this was going to play out.

Lisa [00:13:16]:
So we go around the room and everybody's, you know, sharing stories, and I ended up being the second to last person picked, which meant that I had to pick the last person. And as I watched, and again, like, there's a little bit more to the story in terms of what came up, because, you know, my best friend didn't pick me, which grown up adult Lisa knew that that wasn't an issue. Okay, grown up Lisa knew that. But, you know, five year old Lisa, who was in halt and who was wishing her best friend would have saved her from what was coming, which, you know, I couldn't have communicated that to her. We didn't know what we were doing. And again, she's not responsible for me. I'm responsible for my own emotional well being. But, yeah, like, little Lisa was just like, oh, my God, my best friend didn't pick me, and now I'm going to be in this situation, and how am I going to handle this? So stay with me here and feel like, I want you to consider how this would feel for you if you were in this situation and how you might handle it.

Lisa [00:14:33]:
So I got picked finally, right? Last person, and the only person left in the room to give a crystal to was a woman who I didn't know at all. I didn't even know her name. I didn't talk to her once. I never sat with her. I knew nothing about her. So imagine how that might feel if it were you having to stand up and give somebody a stone and tell them how they impacted you when you didn't even know who they were. So I took a deep breath and pushed down the lump that was in my throat. And the wash of shame that came over me, this feeling of I did this wrong.

Lisa [00:15:22]:
I feel like a bad person. It definitely bumped up against my identity because, again, as somebody who prides herself on making an impact, to know that I hadn't impacted this person and they hadn't impacted me because I didn't even know who they were. So I stood up, took my crystal, held it in my hand, and I stood in front of all these women in the room. Oh, I'm kidding. Emotional, just thinking about it. And I just said, you know, this is really hard exercise for me, because the truth is, I came here with the intention to go inwards for myself. My days are spent impacting other people, holding space for other people to be in their stuff. And this has been one of the hardest years of my life.

Lisa [00:16:09]:
And this trip was about you allowing myself to be supported by the people here I already knew and letting myself just be in my own headspace. Most of the Camino, I walked by myself, so I was with people, but they were in front of me or behind me. And I did a lot, a lot of walking by myself. And I said, you know, it's sad for me to stand in front of all of you because I hear people talking about how you were impacted or how they impacted you. And I realized that there's so many phenomenal women in this room that I didn't have the opportunity to connect with, but my intention was not to connect with any of you. And I'm sorry if anybody noticed that and didn't understand that this is. This was my intention. And I looked at this lady who I was going to hand this crystal to, and just said to her, you know, I don't know you.

Lisa [00:16:59]:
I don't even know your name, and I hope that you had the experience that you wanted to have, and I'm sure that you impacted somebody and that they impacted you. And maybe it's just in this moment, we're impacting each other. I don't even really, you know, like, some of. Even what I'm saying as I'm speaking this out loud, it was such a kind of an out of body experience. And so I don't even remember 100% what I said. But I do know that I was really clear on what I was there and what my intentions were. And, you know, how I just. I felt sorry that I didn't connect.

Lisa [00:17:37]:
But at the same token, I wasn't going to apologize for having my experience, but really letting people know like this didn't. This didn't feel. It didn't feel good. It didn't feel good in that moment to be in that position. And what also didn't feel good was knowing that she was the last to be chosen. And I think that's even worse than being second last to being chosen and then to have someone who didn't even know who you were. So how must that have felt for her and being so compassionate and filled with empathy for this woman who wasn't chosen by anybody, and then, you know, she gets me, who doesn't even know her. So it was a whole mix of it was a real, real mix of emotions.

Lisa [00:18:23]:
So, needless to say, you know, my friend said that, and the people that were there said that, you know, people were. You could tell people that were, you know, touched by what I said. And, you know, I sat down thinking, like, did I say the right thing? Could I have said more? How would I have done that differently? But the point of this is, even though I was completely awash with shame, I did not. I didn't throw myself under the bus in that moment. I didn't behave badly. I didn't have a tantrum. I stood up. I spoke my truth.

Lisa [00:19:00]:
Even though it was really, really hard to do, even though, like, my inner child was definitely having a hard time, I spoke my truth, and that's all I can do. And in those moments where you're feeling shame, I want you to consider what you would have done in that moment and how you would have chosen to show up for yourself. Because in that moment, it really wasn't about caretaking this other person's feelings. It was about not abandoning myself when I was in that shame and saying, like, I am going to stand firm in what I came here to do and not feel bad about it. Even though I could sense myself getting into a little bit of, like, justifying and explaining. Was it justifying, explaining, or was I just making sure people had clarity? I don't know. But, you know, everybody in that room, I'm sure, had, you know, were thinking or feeling some way. Some people may have even thought that I came off as cold, which was really hard to hear from my friend.

Lisa [00:20:00]:
She was like, yeah, you've been a little bit cold because. Because I don't ever want to come off that way. And I've known for a long time that if I don't approach people, they often don't approach me for a variety of reasons. Some to do with my appearance, some to do with my energy. Like, there's a whole host of reasons. So I've just learned to, like, lean into conversations. And because I made the decision to not lean into conversations, it didn't really invite conversation. So, anyways, I.

Lisa [00:20:30]:
After we were done, I went back to the room rather quickly, didn't really say goodbye to anybody, and I put my headphones on, throw on some music, and I just wept. Like, I just sat in my bed and just cried for I don't know how long. You know, my friend came back to the room and she just let me be, you know, I remember her at one point putting her hand on my head and just letting me know that she was there, but also letting me know to have my process. And to be honest, I couldn't even speak to her because the part of me that was in shame and in my victimhood was, like, why didn't you pick me? Why didn't you save me from that? Like, didn't you see and feeling shameful that I felt that way? Feeling shameful that the child in me was kind of overriding the adult part of me. Right. Like, really feeling the. Really feeling the polarity of the both and. Right.

Lisa [00:21:28]:
This is what happens when you create awareness. You become very, very aware of these different parts of yourself that. That aren't always on the same page. So, needless to say, I did. I did get some rest that night. And the next morning, I opened up the conversation with my girlfriend and really just. It wasn't about. It wasn't saying, like, why didn't you pick me? It wasn't that.

Lisa [00:21:50]:
It was nothing to do with. I wasn't a victim of anything. But I did admit to her, you know, like, I was feeling a lot of shame in that moment, and my heart was really hurting that. That you didn't pick me because, really, I wanted you to pick me because I wanted you to save me. Which, again, we didn't know the exercise that was going on. And I knew why she didn't pick me. I knew why she picked another person. And it was really, really, really beautiful.

Lisa [00:22:17]:
But to have that conscious, responsible relationship with her where we were both able to express our feelings and, you know, she said to me, I choose you all the time, which I absolutely know. But part of my journey and my lessons this year and the growth that I've been going through is this story around not being chosen, being. Yeah, being abandoned. That's been a really. It's been a really big story that I've been working through. So we just had this really, really beautiful, soulfully connected conversation about where we were both at, how we felt about each other, what was happening in that moment. And again, there was no, like, blame or shame for how either of us were feeling. It was just an honest, open conversation that was really healing for me.

Lisa [00:23:08]:
And just such a reminder that these little wounded parts of ourselves will always make up interpretations and stories that support that limiting belief, that support those old negative thought patterns that want to keep you trapped or small. We're always looking for evidence of the things that we believe to be true. And part of this work is looking for evidence that the opposite is true, that what we actually want to be accepted to be loved, to feel safe, to feel chosen, that those things are always there and they're always true for us. So that was a big. That was a big opportunity there at the end of the camino that I was really, like, punched in the gut with this whole story of not being chosen and being abandoned and being able to work through that with my girlfriend and just remembering what it feels like when you're in those moments where the shame is washing over you and how you always have a choice with how you respond in those moments. And most of the time, when people are in shame, they respond badly, and they don't tune into their feelings. And I was so fully aware of how I was feeling. I was also, you know, in debriefing with some of my clients that were there.

Lisa [00:24:20]:
They also felt that feeling of, you know, the dodgeball tournament not being chosen. And this is a big part of facilitating groups, is making sure that we are holding space for what's going on for people, and really watching the environments that we're putting people in, making sure that we're setting the containers, watching body language, all of these different. All of these different things. And these will be things that are definitely coming into play for my own retreat that's coming up in Whistler in September. Really making sure that everybody feels heard and understood and nurtured, and that we all understand what each of our intentions are, and that we learn how to have these conversations from a very healthy place, because there's nothing wrong with expressing how you feel, but there's a very big difference when you're coming at it from a blaming victim standpoint versus being responsible for how you feel, looking for clarification, and just being able to share your emotions honestly with somebody else, and not everybody is capable of holding space for that. You know, another person, if I'd come to and said, like, this was how I was feeling, and this was my process, and da da da, and I'm not, you know, I'm not blaming you. This is just. I want to share my experience and help me talk through this.

Lisa [00:25:34]:
Might have gotten very defensive and upset, and I'm sure you've had those conversations, because they're just. They make it mean something about them. And what I was so grateful for is my girlfriend didn't make my experience mean anything about her, because it wasn't about her. It was about me. And it was for me, it was for my own growth. So, on that note, I hope that in listening to my story, you can reflect on your own areas of life where maybe you're still not feeling good enough. You're not feeling chosen. You feel like you're abandoned.

Lisa [00:26:07]:
You're feeling like people don't understand you, or you feel like, or you're not. Where you're abandoning yourself is really what it comes down to because, you know, nobody else can abandon you if you are not willing to abandon yourself. And that's really been one of the biggest lessons for me this year is never abandoning myself, regardless of what's going on in my life, regardless of how other people are showing up or how they might be treating me. That I never abandon myself, that I always have my own back, even in the most uncomfortable situations, even when I'm feeling shame. Most importantly, when I'm feeling shame, that I never abandon myself in that moment. And I don't make myself feel shameful for feeling shameful. So on that note, the waiting room is really filling up here. We'll be boarding, boarding my next flight back to Madrid and then off to Morocco to spend time with another phenomenal previous client of mine.

Lisa [00:27:06]:
I'm just. I'm so eternally grateful for this trip, and I am so looking forward to traveling even more around the world this year and connecting in person with my clients. I'm also very much looking forward to curating more adventure experiences. Intimate in person retreats, either for vip one to one clients. That's something that I'm going to be looking at. Or, you know, I still have one space available in Whistler in September. If you are interested in joining me, just we will put the link in the show notes and you can apply to learn more. I believe it's September 8 to 14.

Lisa [00:27:44]:
I've got women flying in from all around the globe for this retreat that's all about luxury and relaxation and nurturing, but also lots of play, lots of adventure, lots of pushing outside of our comfort zone. So if you're interested in that, we will put the link below for you to learn more. And if you are interested in experiencing, coaching and exploring some of these things that might be coming up for you in listening to this episode around shame, around not belonging, around not feeling good enough in certain areas of your life, you might feel like a rock star in your business and feel like you're completely, you know, not winning as a parent or in, in some other area. We have also opened up spots to work with me, one to one, for just single transformational sessions. So if you've ever wanted to experience coaching with me, just head over to Lisacarpenter Cawwm and go ahead and book your one off transformational coaching call and I'd be happy to support you through that. I'm really excited that we brought this back onto the roster and please stay tuned for upcoming opportunities. If you are interested in having a vip in person retreat, just you and me, in some beautiful location in the world, those are going to be opening up within the next probably six months or so. I'll start booking for 2025.

Lisa [00:29:12]:
If you are in Australia, I'm going to be heading over there at the end of July, so stay tuned for that as well. I'd love to have some in person sessions so I'm easy to find. You can catch me on Instagram, you can always reach out by email and I look forward to continuing to support you. Make sure you're following along on Instagram stories. That's where I'm sharing kind of all the behind the scenes travel stuff. And so much love to all of you. You know, we are all just trying to navigate this 3d experience, doing our best and I am just here to be a guide to help you find your way through the beautiful mess of it all. So continue to be kind, kind to yourself.

Lisa [00:29:54]:
Take good care of you. That is your responsibility and I will catch you on the next episode. Thanks so much for listening.