EPISODE 284: F*ck Gratitude and Why It’s OK to NOT be OK

Lisa [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the full frontal Living podcast. I'm Lisa Carpenter, master life coach to driven, ambitious humans who want more out of life without having to sacrifice themselves to achieve it. I'll share how it's possible to slow down, take better care of yourself, find more peace and ease, create sustainable energy, stop procrastination and overwhelm and fall in.

Lisa [00:00:24]:
Love with your life, your business, and your body.

Lisa [00:00:27]:
This podcast is for you. If you're ready to learn what it takes to thrive as a high performer, do less but achieve more, make you and your well being a top priority, and create your extraordinary life. I'm so glad you're here.

Lisa [00:00:46]:
Well, hey, hey. And thanks for joining me for another episode of the full frontal Living podcast. Today we have another repurposed episode for you that is very, very relevant. Now, I am going to warn you that the audio on this episode is not super great. I recorded it back in 2020, I believe. I was in my car, my bluetooth kicked in. But the content is so great, the message is so great. And I actually just sat down a minute ago to re record the episode and my mic didn't work.

Lisa [00:01:17]:
So I'm like, okay, this is a sign from the universe to just put out that old episode again and just record a new intro. So I'm trying a new mic to record this intro. So this episode is called fuck gratitude. And it's okay to not feel okay. Now, most of you know that I just got back from my trip to Melbourne. I did a speaking engagement there with Lisa Kordoff. We got in front of a room of about 25 women, got up on stage, and really shared a lot of our stories, our stories of friendship. And I shared about what has been going on in my life.

Lisa [00:01:56]:
And one of the stories we talked about was how we use gratitude often as a way to avoid feeling our feelings. And Lisa was sharing that. That kind of gratitude practice was actually the thing that prevented her from grieving the way she needed to grieve when she lost her husband. Now, I would argue, and I did say on stage that this belief that we can get into, that anything could have been different than it was, is really a story we tell ourselves. If she had been ready to grieve in the way she needed to grieve, she would have grieved that way. And I'm a big believer that we do the things that we need to do in the moment, and it's often upon reflection where we learn and grow. And this past year, I have not used gratitude. And in fact, I'm still not at a place where I am grateful for what happened in my life.

Lisa [00:02:51]:
I can tell you that I'm at much more of a place of peace and acceptance over what happened, but I haven't crossed the line into being grateful for it yet. And that sometimes just takes time. I'm also not going to sit in front of you and tell you that I am totally okay, because I'm not. I'm still very much on my healing journey around the things that have happened in my life. And that's okay. Some days I feel okay, and some days I don't feel okay. And you can have all the tools in your toolbox, and that doesn't mean that you get to fast track this kind of life experience you have. So in this episode, I really dive into the ways that we numb out the way we go from oftentimes, things that can be super nurturing for us, like a gratitude practice, like regular exercise, but how they can turn into a numbing, like a numbing activity that now we're using to not be present, to feel our feelings.

Lisa [00:03:54]:
And I get it. When life lives you hard, the last thing anybody wants to do is to feel the sting of grief, because it's a. It's a big one. Sadness, anger, all of those, like, heavy emotions. Nobody wants to be in them. And that's why so many people end up on pharmaceuticals, to just numb them out. But what I'm telling you and what I'm here to share with you is if you want to powerfully be able to lead yourself, a big part of that is having agency over your life, over yourself, over your thoughts, over your beliefs. And a big part of that comes from your willingness to feel your feelings.

Lisa [00:04:34]:
And that means not bypassing it with gratitude. Because, yeah, you're always going to have lots of things to be grateful for. I have so many things in my life to be grateful for. And it's really, really important for you to just feel your feelings. You can come back to gratitude. It's both. And it's when we use gratitude to not allow ourselves to really be in those emotions that we wreak havoc on our physical and our emotional well being. And that stuff will catch up to you in the long run.

Lisa [00:05:07]:
So, enjoys today's episodes. Again, audio not super awesome. So if you're a person that needs great audio, you're probably not going to enjoy listening. If you could care less about the audio because you just want to hear the message, then you're not going to want to miss this one. So thank you for tuning in I look forward to having new episodes for you in the fall. Till then, enjoy this one. F gratitude. And it's okay to not be okay.

Lisa [00:05:36]:
It's been a while since I've recorded an episode from my car since returning from Vegas, and yes, I will be doing a full show recap. But since returning from Vegas, I've had a lot to say, and at the same time, nothing to say. And the title of this podcast is, it's okay to not be okay. And at the same time, we're all going to be okay. So what do I mean by this? Regardless of where you are in the world, there's been a lot happening. I don't care what side of the aisle you're on. I don't care what choices you're making. Your choices are your own because each of us are sovereign beings.

Lisa [00:06:30]:
What this episode is about, though, is how much we have all been navigating and how long we've been navigating it for. And you may or may not even realize the impact that this is having on you at a much deeper level. Because I know that all of the men and women that I work with have something in common. They are masters at just putting their heads down and getting it done, because there's really no point in sitting around having a temper tantrum or drowning in our tears. We just have to do what we have to do to get through another day, right? To accomplish the things we want to accomplish. And listen, I am a big believer in doing. I love goals. I love ambition.

Lisa [00:07:25]:
I love drive. I love all of those things. I celebrate those qualities and the people that I work with. But one of the things that I have learned over the years and why I'm so passionate about this work is finding that place, that intersection between acknowledging what we're feeling, like actually getting real with ourselves about what we're feeling and understanding that we can't just drown in it. But here's where it gets a little bit complicated, is so many of you think you're dealing, you know, air quote, dealing with your emotions, when in fact.

Lisa [00:08:09]:
You'Re totally stuck in them because you're.

Lisa [00:08:12]:
Telling yourself you're fine, but you're not fine.

Lisa [00:08:16]:
You're not okay.

Lisa [00:08:18]:
And I know this because I've also fallen into this. I've had to take some really big steps back, get radically self reflective and radically honest with myself about what is going on for me. So, am I okay? Absolutely. Will I be okay? Yes. And am I not okay at the same time? 100%. So how do you know when you're trapped in your emotion. You find yourself in behaviors that don't serve you. Like you're spinning in fear and worry, or you're constantly putting yourself, wait for it, in a state of gratitude.

Lisa [00:09:06]:
Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for gratitude.

Lisa [00:09:09]:
It's a great place to live. But gratitude can also be a very.

Lisa [00:09:15]:
Very powerful way to step over the sadness, the grief, the frustration, the anger, the exhaustion that you're feeling as a way to help yourself feel better. But the problem with that is if you don't actually acknowledge all of those feelings, no amount of gratitude in the long run is going to make you feel better. Because all those things under the surface that are making you not really feel okay, or if you're trying to pretend that you're okay, not acknowledging those emotions are going to continue to keep you trapped. And you're going to start to see this come out in your physical health, your emotional health. You might find yourself all of a sudden reacting to other people, getting into arguments, snapping that, like quick to snap at people, feeling frustrated with other people, instead of actually turning the finger around and pointing it back at yourself and saying, wait a minute, it's not about the other people. What is going on for me, you might also be finding yourself caught in overdoing. So putting your head down and just getting stuff done. And again, like, one of the things that I've really realized for myself is my work is very nurturing and very healing.

Lisa [00:10:43]:
I truly, truly love what I do, but I have a tagline that is love what you do, but love yourself more. If I'm overworking, I am in avoidance of what I'm feeling. So again, it's that line of when it no longer is nurturing and now it becomes numbing. We see this with exercise. So many people use exercise as a way to manage their stress, but exercise is stressful on the body. So there again is this fine line between where you've gotten into nourishing your body versus now you're into actually, you know, creating harm from your body.

Lisa [00:11:31]:
That's not the right word. That's not the word I want to use. Again, it's like that nurturing.

Lisa [00:11:35]:
Is this nurturing or has this now become numbing?

Lisa [00:11:41]:
Right. Which is it?

Lisa [00:11:44]:
Only you can take a step back and look at whether or not you are in a place of numbing out what you're feeling or in a place of nurturing yourself.

Lisa [00:11:55]:
And this is why, you know, and.

Lisa [00:11:57]:
I don't want to get into the whole, you know, what's your take on this? But when we hear stories of healthy people who are getting really, really sick, we have no context around what is going on in that individual person's life. Because I can tell you that as a really healthy person, and I've always lived my life with this health and wellness kind of lifestyle. There was a period of time in my life where although I looked healthy, I was doing all the healthy things. I was so in this state of overdoing, overdoing in my work, constantly being busy, juggling all the balls, I was so trapped in my emotions, without realizing it, I ended up in a place of adrenal fatigue. So even though everybody looked at me like I was a super healthy person.

Lisa [00:12:50]:
I, in fact, was not emotionally well. And I didn't even recognize it.

Lisa [00:12:54]:
I didn't recognize that I was trapped in all these numbing behaviors.

Lisa [00:12:59]:
So when we hear about a healthy.

Lisa [00:13:00]:
Person getting really sick again, there are so many healthy people that aren't actually.

Lisa [00:13:07]:
Healthy because so many of you are.

Lisa [00:13:11]:
Walking around telling yourselves you're okay when you're not okay.

Lisa [00:13:17]:
So, yes, have gratitude. But we have to look at. Right?

Lisa [00:13:22]:
Like, what I'm challenging you to do.

Lisa [00:13:24]:
Is look at your life, what isn't working. Are you constantly in a state of overwhelm?

Lisa [00:13:30]:
Are you constantly in a state of overdoing? Do you find yourself spending hours scrolling social media, reading all the things, watching all the things, over exercising, overeating?

Lisa [00:13:46]:
There are a million ways we numb out. Are you getting into passive aggressive behaviors? Are you finding yourself saying yes when.

Lisa [00:13:55]:
You really want to say no? Are you not speaking your truth?

Lisa [00:14:01]:
Are you not saying what's on your.

Lisa [00:14:03]:
Heart because you're afraid somebody is going to get angry with you or they're not going to like you or you're.

Lisa [00:14:09]:
Going to be tossed out of the tribe?

Lisa [00:14:12]:
Are you spending your money like you have money?

Lisa [00:14:16]:
And maybe you don't? Right?

Lisa [00:14:18]:
But what are you, what are your spending habits? Are you ordering a bunch of shit off of Amazon that you don't need?

Lisa [00:14:26]:
Are you getting enough rest?

Lisa [00:14:28]:
Are you finding that you are burning the candle at both ends? What are you doing to support your emotional well being right now?

Lisa [00:14:40]:
Because emotional resiliency isn't about just putting.

Lisa [00:14:46]:
Your head down and pushing through. And let me tell you, I had to really get honest with myself last week because I was really in that energy of like, screw all of you.

Lisa [00:14:59]:
I'm just going to go and do.

Lisa [00:15:01]:
X, Y and Z and you know that real, like, I'll show you energy.

Lisa [00:15:07]:
Which wasn't coming from a healthy place, right, that I show.

Lisa [00:15:12]:
I'll show you.

Lisa [00:15:13]:
Energy shows up for me when I'm really sad, when I'm really sad, and when I feel this loss of control, right?

Lisa [00:15:23]:
When there's fear, when I'm experiencing fear.

Lisa [00:15:26]:
That I'll show you. Energy rises up for me because it.

Lisa [00:15:31]:
Allows me to push down the sadness and the frustration and the grief and all the things that I have been experiencing.

Lisa [00:15:39]:
It's not healthy.

Lisa [00:15:41]:
I needed to pause, and I needed to look at lisa. What are you actually experiencing? What emotions do you need to get present to?

Lisa [00:15:48]:
What do you need to have sit down and have conversations about so that you can let this go through you? And this is what I want you to know. Like grief and gratitude can show up.

Lisa [00:16:00]:
At the same time.

Lisa [00:16:03]:
I mean, have you ever celebrated a person that you've lost, right? Somebody that you dearly loved, and you've been able to laugh and think about them with so much joy and at.

Lisa [00:16:15]:
The same time feel so much pain that they're gone?

Lisa [00:16:20]:
This is what I want you to understand. The world has really changed, and there is no going back. That way of life, pre 2020, no longer exists. It doesn't exist. There is no going back. And what so many of you are doing is you are skipping over the grief of what we have to let go of so that we can step into what is possible for us. So many of you are living with such profound levels of fear, and how do we know when fear shows up? We start fighting for things. We start seeing control as a way to try and mitigate our fear.

Lisa [00:17:14]:
Control is a very powerful way we use to try and avoid feeling what we're feeling. So consider this, right? If we use parenting as an example. There was a period of time in my life where I believed that if my kids would just do what I say, follow the rules, then I would feel better. Then I would be okay. Never realizing it wasn't about their behavior. It was about the choices that I was making. I am responsible for my internal state of peace and well being. It's not up to the people around me, whether it's my.

Lisa [00:17:54]:
My kids, my colleagues, shit I see on social media. It's not up to any of that stuff to make me feel okay. It's up to me to feel okay. But we can't feel okay until we first acknowledge that we're not okay. So sometimes it's really challenging for me to talk about this because of the work that I do. I have all the tools in my toolbox, you know, this is what I teach. Emotional fluency, emotional resiliency. And sometimes I can get in my head of thinking, well, if I let people know that I've been struggling, will they think that I'm not a good coach or that I can't help them or that I'm a fraud? But I'm so tired of this light and love and this toxic positivity that we are seeing.

Lisa [00:18:50]:
And I'm nothing against seeing the positive and seeing the bright side, but we have to allow ourselves as individuals to experience the entire range of what's going on for us, because otherwise, we're just putting lipstick on a pig, right? It's still a pig, right? It's like spraying perfume on a pile of shit. It's still a pile of shit. Okay. It's okay for you to fully express what is going on for you, even if that's just in the privacy of your journal or with your best buddy, who, you know, has the emotional capacity to just sit and listen, right? We don't need to be fixed. And this is the thing. So often, I think we're afraid to express our emotions because we don't want somebody to try and fix us. We just need to express and feel what we're feeling. Because, remember, emotion is just energy in motion.

Lisa [00:19:48]:
And when you allow yourself to express what you're feeling, it no longer stays trapped in your body. And again, you know, when we don't express our emotions, it will manifest as illness in our body. Aches and pains. You suppress your immune system, all these things. And today, more than ever before, it's not just about creating amazing physical wellness for ourselves by the, you know, health, hygiene that we have, sleep, water, the type of food you eat, making sure you get movement, making sure you get outside. Right? All of those things are important. But what's even more important these days, what we're being called into even more is looking at, are we managing our emotional well being? Are we having the conversations that we need to have so that we can release this fear, so that we can find this place of peace? And most of you are not recognizing the impact of not feeling your feelings. You're not recognizing the impact that that is having on your body.

Lisa [00:20:54]:
So, you know, if you've been following me for a while, you know, that I'm, you know, over the years, I've really learned to appreciate and value data because I'm a very kinesthetic person. I experience the world through my emotions. Not all of you do. Some of you are more visual. Some of you are more auditory. But I am a very kinesthetic person. Many of my clients are actually very kinesthetic, but they're like me, where once upon a time, they just disconnected from their body, they disconnected from their emotions. I didn't know how to feel my feelings.

Lisa [00:21:29]:
I literally was the queen of, like, don't hug me because it would bring up emotions for me. Because when I was young, at some point in time, I learned that it wasn't okay for me to feel what I was feeling or my emotions were. I was basically told that they were wrong. Like, what I was feeling wasn't okay. Very confusing when you're feeling things and then somebody else is telling you, well, you know, turn it down or don't be so drama or whatever it may be. So it is so important for you to look at your own emotional well being and what you need to do to support that. And as I'm talking, I'm like, I was going somewhere with this, and now I don't know where I'm going. The blessings of being in your late forties, sometimes the direction that you're going, it just kind of, you know, I lose my train of thought.

Lisa [00:22:27]:
This is a real thing that happens anyways, at the end of the day, it is more important than ever before. Oh, I know where I was going. I knew it would come back to me. So the data. The data, right. Since coming back from my show, I have rested a lot, and I'm not like, I'm getting, like, my sleep scores are off the charts. I'm getting a lot of amazing rest. My body is physically rested, but I have struggled to get my body into the green or the go zone.

Lisa [00:23:00]:
According to the data that I'm using. I've been in the red and I've been in the yellow. And what it's measuring is my resting heart rate and my HRV, which is basically a measurement of your sympathetic versus your parasympathetic, like your nervous system. Right? So your rest and digest versus your fight and flight, we need both to get through the world. I haven't been able to fully recover, and it's because since coming back from Vegas and being in Vegas really fired up my nervous system. I mean, Vegas is just not the place for me. There's a lot of energy in Vegas and then re entering back into Canada. There's a lot of things changing here.

Lisa [00:23:41]:
There's a lot of different mandates, and just the thermostat of the world is just all over the place right now. Collectively, as a kinesthetic person, I am feeling a lot of different energy, and I'm having to kind of distinguish, like, what is mine and what is not mine. What do I need to let go of here? Because this actually isn't mine. Where am I getting into energy that I need to remove myself from? Because it's not healthy for me. So I'm watching. I feel okay. But the data is showing me I'm not okay. My body's like, you're not okay.

Lisa [00:24:17]:
We need to regulate this. So as a person who's really on top of this stuff, I'm paying closer attention. I'm looking and saying, okay, I'm okay, but I'm not okay. What do I need to feel here? What do I need to release? What do I need to give myself right now to really nurture my nervous system? More meditation, doing a lot of yoga, nidra hypnosis, you know, getting out for more walks, listening to music, disconnecting from social media, and things that are firing up my nervous system. And I think about the global community, and most of you don't have the amount of tools in your toolbox that I have. Most of you don't have the individual awareness of what's going on for you that I have. Most of you haven't done the depth of work on yourself, around your emotional state and what's actually happening for you that I have. So it's not a surprise to me why more and more people are getting ill.

Lisa [00:25:19]:
And it's not just about COVID right? We're going to see adrenal issues. We're going to see hormonal issues. We're going to see so many different things happening. Why do you think suicide rates are going up? Why do you think addiction rates are going up? Why do you think our kids are struggling so much? Because our kids don't even have the language right now. Right. Young kids don't know how to name their feelings. And they're being guided by parents who, quite frankly, more often than not, don't know how to name their feelings or even acknowledge what they're feeling. So now, more than ever before, this work around emotional fluency and really understanding what it takes to be resilient is more important than ever before.

Lisa [00:26:10]:
So in this episode, I just want you to know that it's okay for you to not be okay. It's okay for you to not always hold it together. And in fact, by letting all of it out, by having that powerful cry, by maybe screaming into a pillow or throwing things against the wall, letting yourself rage, that energy is going to move through your body and out of you, which is going to open you up to looking at, okay, what behavior do I need to be on guard for that? Show me that I'm not expressing what I'm feeling. You're going to be able to start to look at what you need to give yourself in order to feel healthy and well, physically and emotionally. It has been a long haul and it is becoming more and more clear every single day that we are nowhere near the other side of this and we don't know what the other side is going to look like. So what is it costing you to continue to tell yourself that you're okay when you're not okay? Because if you continue to go through your life holding your breath, trapped in your emotions, trapped in all of these different behaviors and ways of being that don't serve you, what is the impact of that? In another six months or a year from now, your body will support you until it can't. And how you support your emotional well being is going to determine your physical health and well being. So we have to look at both pieces.

Lisa [00:27:54]:
So if you're feeling like you're not okay, I encourage you. Reach out, drop me a DM and Instagram book on my calendar and book a coaching session and let them talk about strategies of how you can move through this. Let's give you a container where you can express what is actually going on for you in a space where there's going to be no judgment, where you can fully explore what is here and what you're experiencing now more than ever before. I am so passionate about this work because like I said, I'm seeing the impact that this is having on me. And I know how to navigate all of this and I'm not doing a great job on some days, but most of you don't have these tools. You don't even have the awareness yet of how much you are holding onto and what it's costing you. So I promise not all of these episodes are going to be heavy. This feels a little bit heavy for me, but it's important.

Lisa [00:29:01]:
It's important that we talk about this. It's important that I continue to show up and let you guys see me, not just when things are all shiny and roses. I always want to have a message for you. I always want to have a lesson that you can take away with. I always want to be able to share through stories and experiences. But I just want you to know that sometimes it's not even easy for me to show up because I have to work against some of these gremlins that rise up for me as well. And that's what makes me amazing at what I do with my clients. So if that's you, reach out.

Lisa [00:29:41]:
You can book your call at Lisacarpenter dot ca wwm. So I'm saying this with much love. You are responsible for your emotional and physical well being. Nobody is coming to save you. It is up to you to make yourself a priority. Regardless of the circumstances that you are navigating in your life. Kids, pandemic jobs, whatever, you have to be worth it. You have to decide that you are worth it.

Lisa [00:30:17]:
You are worth taking care of yourself and don't leave it to the point that you're forced to do it. So with much love thank you for listening. If this resonated with you, please share it. I would be so grateful if you did because I think more and more men and women need to hear this message. I love you. I'm sending you so much grace and compassion today because we are all doing our best. And please remember that we are all doing our best. So how can you show up today with more compassion for yourself, more compassion for others, and a bigger commitment to love yourself more than you ever have before.

Lisa [00:31:05]:
Cry your tears, laugh your laugh. Experience the entire range and you'll become a healthier human for it. I'll see you on the next episode.