EPISODE 345: Stop Passing The Kleenex: Why Avoiding Discomfort Is Costing Us Emotional Resilience

00:00:06:29 - 00:00:33:12
Lisa
You built success that looks damn good on the outside, but inside it's costing you your health, your relationships, your energy. And no matter how much you do, it never feels like enough. Welcome to Congruent. I'm Lisa Carpenter, the coach. High performers call when they can afford to burn it all down, but they can't keep living like this either.

00:00:33:14 - 00:00:58:24
Lisa
Here we rip off the mask of success and expose what's real. The patterns that you keep running, the price that you've paid, and how to build success that fuels you instead of empties you. Real success is agency. It's powerful self leadership to run your life instead of being run by it. To let your drive and your well-being finally work together.

00:00:58:27 - 00:01:09:02
Lisa
Because the real win is success. That actually feels good.

00:01:09:04 - 00:01:35:19
Lisa
Welcome back to congruent. And this week I have a solo episode for you. It's just me behind the mic. Talking about something very personal that's going on in my life. Without getting into too much of the details in order to, you know, be mindful because this is actually a parenting episode, and I'm not here to air all my kids dirty laundry.

00:01:35:21 - 00:02:02:15
Lisa
But I think it's what so many parents are going through right now. And I wanted to talk about the discomfort of navigating teenage years and just being a parent in general. It's probably always been my biggest Achilles heel. It's been the place that I have always felt my weakest. And if you've listened to any number of episodes in the past, this is this is the one place where I felt like when I came to this planet, I was missing the parenting gene.

00:02:02:15 - 00:02:32:13
Lisa
Even though I have three children, I've now come to understand that I am fully equipped for this job. Probably more so that I want to be, and it's taken a tremendous amount of work on me. So, you know, my son is 14, and right now he's really in that in-between space that so many of us probably remember, where your body doesn't feel like yours and your identity doesn't feel settled, and nothing about your life feels certain.

00:02:32:13 - 00:02:59:19
Lisa
I know for me, my teenage years were incredibly uncomfortable. There was a lot of angst. There was a lot of feeling like I didn't fit in. I didn't belong, even though from the outside looking in, I would have been considered one of the popular kids. I really always felt like an outsider. And and here's the thing. Like puberty has always been uncomfortable, but what's different now isn't that kids don't feel this way.

00:02:59:21 - 00:03:26:06
Lisa
It's really how quickly we rush in as parents to remove their discomfort instead of teaching them how to be with it. And I think this is a product of, you know, I'm a Gen Xer, so, you know, I'm part of the feral generation. And I think what's happened is many of us from that generation, we really have have overcompensated because we wanted to do better for our kids.

00:03:26:06 - 00:03:51:16
Lisa
And it's not that our parents did a horrible job. We're not here to throw anybody under the bus. It was different times, but we want different for our kids. And, we don't want them to be in the discomfort that we were in. But, you know, the more that I dive into parenting and the more conversations I'm having with my clients, the more I realize that, like, this conversation isn't really about our kids at all.

00:03:51:16 - 00:04:17:24
Lisa
And that's what I want to dive into it. It's about us. It's about a culture that has forgotten how to sit with discomfort. Or maybe we've never been able to sit with discomfort, and we've always found just different ways of coping with it. And because of this, we're slowly losing, our ability to build resilience in our children, to think clearly and to stay emotionally present when life gets complicated.

00:04:17:26 - 00:04:48:09
Lisa
And most adults are struggling with feeling resilient because, you know, it's so easy to have opinions about identity, relationships, addiction, betrayal, and mental health when those things aren't happening in your home, but when they are sitting across from you at the dinner table, everything. All these conversations become more nuanced. The the discomfort gets more real. Certainty disappears and complexity shows up.

00:04:48:11 - 00:05:09:23
Lisa
And what most of us discover in these moments is that most of us don't actually have the emotional tools that we thought we did. We have opinions, and I'm definitely being tested in this area. I'm definitely being asked to use all my tools as I help my son navigate, what he's going through. But I also recognize that.

00:05:09:23 - 00:05:38:00
Lisa
So many of the men and women that I work with do not have the depth of these tools, and they get into a lot of meaning making when their kids are in the weeds. So this episode isn't about fixing our kids, it's not about choosing sides. And it's also not about having the right answers, but it's about learning how we can stay present inside discomfort without needing to escape it, label it, numb it, or hand it back to someone else.

00:05:38:02 - 00:06:00:07
Lisa
Because resilience in ourselves and in our children isn't built in comfort. It's it's built in the moments when we're willing to be present with what is uncomfortable. So, you know, discomfort is not evidence that something is wrong. And we have to stop looking at discomfort as something is wrong and see that it is evidence that something is changing.

00:06:00:07 - 00:06:23:25
Lisa
And I mean, nothing is more true than puberty. I mean, everything is changing in puberty. Our kids are going from, oh my God, this cute little innocent people to finding their own sovereignty, their, you know, and coming their bodies are growing and changing in ways that are unfamiliar. I know my son is not super. He's not a super fan of getting older.

00:06:23:25 - 00:06:51:03
Lisa
He's been really wanting to hang on to being a kid. And I so love and appreciate that about him because I just was in a hurry to grow up and he is just not happy about turning into an adult and watching his body change. He's really he's really, really struggling with this. And, you know, as somebody who's gone through menopause now, it's it was interesting because I'm like, wow, I've got a teenager going through puberty.

00:06:51:06 - 00:07:13:21
Lisa
And I'm on the other end of the spectrum, navigating massive changes within my own body, my emotional state, all of these things, as I've talked about on previous episodes with, you know, my my finding, my balance with HRT and all of that kind of stuff. Right? It's it's very dysregulated when things have been one way for a certain amount of time and we've we've gone our selves in kind of the certainty of that.

00:07:13:24 - 00:07:21:25
Lisa
But the only thing that's really certain is change. And it's hard when it when it shows up. So.

00:07:21:28 - 00:07:46:10
Lisa
I feel like so many of us right now, as I look at what's going on with teenagers, we're trying to create certainty for them in seasons that are fundamentally meant to be uncertain. They are meant to be wildly dis comfortable, uncomfortable, and, you know, without getting to, you know, I don't want to go down any political rabbit hole because it's not what it's about.

00:07:46:10 - 00:08:09:22
Lisa
But I'm really watching kids looking for ways that they can soothe their discomfort through all this change. And if they can attach to a label, then they don't have to feel uncomfortable. And it might be with, gender identity. I mean, my God, nowadays you can be you can be a girl, you can be a boy, you can be a cat, you can be a dog like pretty much anything goes.

00:08:09:22 - 00:08:36:03
Lisa
You can be non-binary. So I'm glad we're talking about these topics, and I'm glad they've come to light and that we are more open about, discussing them and giving our kids some freedom. But what I'm really noticing is how quickly kids are wanting to attach to a label as a way of escaping their own discomfort through the season where, like I said, it's meant to be confusing.

00:08:36:05 - 00:09:01:06
Lisa
I think that most of us, looking back, can remember, like, I mean, I considered myself more of a tomboy. I really wanted to be more of a boy. Wasn't super. I wasn't a super fan of being a girl back then. And I've always really acknowledged within myself that I have a lot of masculine energy, and that's something I've had to work on through the years, is finding my safety within my feminine energy.

00:09:01:08 - 00:09:30:18
Lisa
A lot of the women that I work with have a lot of masculine energy and a kind of a, I call it a complicated relationship with their own feminine energy. And boys also have masculine and feminine energy in them, just as girls do. So puberty is a time to be exploring that. And but what's happening now is our kids are exploring it on such a greater level, and there's freedom now to do that.

00:09:30:20 - 00:09:56:02
Lisa
But when it starts showing up in your home as a parent, if you don't have the tools to navigate it, like I said, all of a sudden this conversation is no longer about opinions. It's about having nuanced, nuanced conversations in our in our homes. So, you know, because our kids now are offered these infinite labels, explanations and exits.

00:09:56:05 - 00:10:22:14
Lisa
They're looking at their discomfort is like, I need to fix this instead of understanding that this is this is a time in their lives to just be in it. And as parents, allowing them to be in it. So, you know, kids are being put in this position and this is what I'm noticing with my youngest, where they're being almost asked to define themselves in a season that is not meant to be defined.

00:10:22:16 - 00:10:45:25
Lisa
They're meant to be figuring things out. They're meant to be confused. And like I said, our job is as parents is to try and create as much certainty in a season that is designed to be uncertain. So, you know, this and this is why I wanted to talk about it, because I don't see a lot of conversations about this online.

00:10:45:25 - 00:11:06:06
Lisa
And I think it's because there are. I think that it still holds a lot of shame for parents. Like if my kids are going through things and they're uncomfortable or they're struggling with their identity, or you know, they don't know if they're coming or going, I must have done something wrong as a parent, and nothing could be further than the truth.

00:11:06:08 - 00:11:32:26
Lisa
It's just this is this generation. They are faced with so many more things than we were faced with. Or when I was, when I was growing up, what I was faced with. So, you know, like I said, it's really easy to have opinions about, these type of things when it's not in your house, but it's very different when things happen inside your home, whether it's with your partner, your child, your body, your life.

00:11:32:26 - 00:11:54:10
Lisa
Like there's a whole bunch of different things that require us to go through, massive discomfort. And, and these are often things that we're not talking about forward facing. And I'm trying to open the conversation with it. So these are things like addiction. I've talked very openly about. Addiction has been a part of my family for, you know, decade, over a decade now.

00:11:54:12 - 00:12:16:08
Lisa
My partner's been in, rehab for all the addictions. And if you know anything about addiction, it's never about the substance or behavior. It's always about what was the trauma underneath it that was creating it all. And addiction is really about how can I like I'm trying to make myself feel better. I'm trying to move away from my pain.

00:12:16:11 - 00:12:33:17
Lisa
Most people don't understand this, and most people have a lot of stigmas around addiction. I know I used to, I used to think it was the person, like living under the bridge with the stray dog, not the person that I loved who was sleeping next to me. Every single night. Who I, who had chosen to have a family with.

00:12:33:20 - 00:12:54:27
Lisa
So all of a sudden I was put in a position of having to reframe like, what? What is addiction about? And can I approach it with more compassion? Can I approach it with more nuance? The same thing with betrayal. There's so many people out there who have been in relationships where they have, betrayed somebody or they have been betrayed.

00:12:54:27 - 00:13:24:17
Lisa
And this creates a tremendous amount of pain, especially when it's someone that you love dearly. It can be very confusing and incredibly destabilizing. This is something that I have experienced in my life and very, very hard to talk about. And it's so easy to have opinions about it. Like, remember when the Coldplay concert came out and, that CEO and and the woman anyways, like the backlash online was unbelievable.

00:13:24:20 - 00:13:49:22
Lisa
And knowing what I know now about betrayal, it's pretty wild to see how many people project their own stuff onto other people's experiences. And unless you've lived through something like that, you really don't know what it takes to navigate that and find the other side, whatever that's going to be for you. But there is no way to go through that without being in the wild discomfort and the pain of it.

00:13:49:24 - 00:14:21:08
Lisa
There's also things like depression. So many people have had opinions on depression and mental health in the past. I have a, client who's a pilot, and we've discussed how, you know, mental health can't be talked about in the airline industry because you'll lose your license. Yet we know everybody. Everybody can suffer from mental illness. But just because you're a pilot, you're exempt from ever having those type of problems or seeking help because then you could lose your career again.

00:14:21:08 - 00:14:41:15
Lisa
Very nuanced conversations, anxiety. You know, I know my oldest son struggles with anxiety. And I also know that that comes from a place of, you know, he's got his own patterns that he's going to have to unravel with his therapist and with his coach as he gets older, because anxiety really is just a signal that something is not okay within us.

00:14:41:17 - 00:15:06:28
Lisa
Anxiety doesn't happen for no reason. But unless we have these conversations, it really is just about, trying to move away from our discomfort. Same with eating disorders, divorce, loss, sexual identity, gender identity, all of these things. So when these conversations start happening in your home, that certainty disappears, right? That hard core like I this is my belief on this.

00:15:07:00 - 00:15:41:10
Lisa
That certainty goes out the fucking window, and you are faced with the discomfort of the nuance that comes along with it. And, and these you don't know who you are. You don't know who you are until you are in these conversations. And life and, and life is forcing you into these conversations. So you know what, what I have learned having navigated I mean, more things than I think most people on this planet, is that the nuance of these conversations isn't doesn't remove compassion.

00:15:41:10 - 00:16:11:17
Lisa
It's actually allowed me to deepen my compassion for people that are going through things and deepen the compassion for myself. So, you know, most of you listening do not have the tools for these conversations because you do not know yourself well enough. So you'll go into these conversations, making it mean something about you not having the language, not being able to hold, emotionally neutral space for the other person to express themselves.

00:16:11:20 - 00:16:35:06
Lisa
You'll get into telling yourself stories about why this is happening. You'll get into your, interpretations about things, even with what you believe is right and wrong. And I'm not saying you don't get to have your values, but in some cases, you can either be so grounded in this value that you won't let go of it, but it may also cost you relationships.

00:16:35:09 - 00:17:00:22
Lisa
So it's again, the nuance. Are you willing to look past what has been this belief or opinion so that you can really get into personally what is going on? So, you know, most of you try and prepare for certainty and you're not prepared for uncertainty or the complexity of these conversations. And as a parent, I am I am so outspoken on this.

00:17:00:22 - 00:17:36:04
Lisa
I don't believe we can powerfully lead our children if we do not know how to powerfully lead ourselves first, unless we can feel grounded and regulated within our bodies, how can we hold space for our kids? And some of the conversations I've been having with Jake have been really, really challenging. And I have all the tools in the toolbox to be in a place of acceptance while also having boundaries and also being able to express, like you get to feel how you're feeling.

00:17:36:06 - 00:18:01:09
Lisa
And I am also having feelings about this too, and my feelings aren't yours to fix. I'm going to be responsible as the adult in this conversation for managing my own emotions. And like we both get to express what is happening for us in this moment. But at the end of the day, like I'm the parent and I need to lead, while also allowing him to have his journey of life.

00:18:01:11 - 00:18:23:01
Lisa
And I think so often in parenting roles, when we're working out of fear, we go into control. We want to control the situation. We want to tell them what they need to do instead of allowing them to be in the discomfort and more important, allowing allowing ourselves to be in our discomfort. Because, you know.

00:18:23:03 - 00:18:49:22
Lisa
What is required is the nuance to hold the space that multiple things can be true at the same time. I can be accepting that my child is going through this and also be like, and I don't like it. I'm I'm allowed. Those two things are allowed to be true at the same time. And I think so often in our life and in our world, multiple things can be true at the same time, but we've lost the ability.

00:18:49:22 - 00:19:21:10
Lisa
So many of you have lost the ability to hold that, that this can be true. And also this can be true because we're looking for the certainty of like, this is right and this is wrong. So to be able to stay present without needing a resolution, that is what it means to allow the discomfort to be there. So the complexity of these conversations for many of my clients often doesn't feel safe for them, because they don't know how to regulate themselves inside the conversation.

00:19:21:10 - 00:19:46:12
Lisa
They don't know how to stay in their grounded adult part. Right? They're getting triggered by their own interpretations, by their own past history, by how they were parented, or the things that they want for their child. Instead of taking a step back and trusting that they're going to have the journey, and that you're going to stay in your own grounded leadership as you steward them through this.

00:19:46:15 - 00:20:07:18
Lisa
So this is often the, the pattern that I see a lot is the when then. So if you don't know how to be with yourself when life is uncomfortable, you're going to spend your life trying to change it instead of learning how to be in the discomfort. So this when then is like when I have money, then I'll feel safe.

00:20:07:20 - 00:20:31:22
Lisa
You know, when my kid is this, then I'll feel that way. When I have a relationship, then I'll feel whole. When I go on vacation. Then I'll feel rested. And when we can stay in the discomfort of not having when happen before we get to feel good, or before we get to feel grounded and regulated. That's when things start to shift.

00:20:31:22 - 00:21:03:10
Lisa
And so often we're attaching to identities and and circumstances to create certainty we so desperately want certainty because it allows us to feel safe. But truly, there is nothing certain in this world. The only thing certain is that things are going to constantly change, and we are going to be constantly faced with, discomfort. So as parents, if you're listening to this and you have kids and I have I have clients with kids of all different ages, some of them younger.

00:21:03:10 - 00:21:29:08
Lisa
I have the privilege of having adult children now and a teenager or this teenager is different than any of my other two teenagers, which is really fascinating to me. And I think, well, of course I've been given this teenager because I have done the work to help him, navigate this, this time of his life. And also he's here to grow me and expand me.

00:21:29:10 - 00:21:50:02
Lisa
Like, am I really living the lessons that I've been working on for myself? Am I willing to let go of attachment? Can I move myself out of worry? And so many of you as parents live in this state of worry, and you've probably heard me say that worry is praying for shit you don't want. Can you be in a place of trusting like your kids actually want to be happy?

00:21:50:08 - 00:22:11:03
Lisa
You don't have to worry about them being happy. They are hard wired to want to be happy themselves, but it's trusting that they are going to find their path. And again, the better you can lead yourself, the better you can stand shoulder to shoulder with your kids, not manipulating them into doing what you want or trying to control them, but actually walking with them and having bigger conversations.

00:22:11:03 - 00:22:42:26
Lisa
So they are choosing for themselves. And that also requires you letting them choose, even if it's not what you would choose for them. So, you know, when I want you to consider this is when you are trying to, quote unquote, fix your kid. What you're actually doing is trying to soothe your own discomfort. Because as parents, I think one of the most challenging things for us to be with is the pain and the discomfort of watching our kids in discomfort.

00:22:42:28 - 00:23:07:07
Lisa
And I remember, you know, there was one year where my son was trying this is my oldest son, and he was trying out for wrap hockey, and he didn't make it, and he was really devastated by it. And I witnessed myself in that moment, really wanting to take his pain away and realizing that the the pain and the discomfort that he was feeling was going to be a massive catalyst in his life.

00:23:07:07 - 00:23:27:03
Lisa
And that the best thing that I could do for him was support him in being in that discomfort and saying, what do you need for me to feel supported? And what is it that you need to give yourself in this moment to feel better instead of just like, let's go for pizza, let's go out for, you know, let's do this, let's do that.

00:23:27:03 - 00:23:54:05
Lisa
So of course, I gave him a hug and told him I was there for him and all of that stuff, but really, we are so quick to want to soothe our kids because we're really looking to soothe our own discomfort. And it was it was so hard for me to see him so disappointed. And the truth is, it's very, very challenging for me to witness my youngest right now in some of the things he's been struggling with and let him be there, because as a coach, you know, I want to get in there.

00:23:54:05 - 00:24:12:24
Lisa
I want to ask questions. I want to, you know, there must be a way I can help and I can help. But it's not by helping him escape himself. It's about allowing him to be in the discomfort and that knowing that I have his back, that he is supported, that he is accepted, but that there is nothing here to fix.

00:24:12:26 - 00:24:40:19
Lisa
And as much as he does not like what he's experiencing, this is here for him. It's it's here for him because I want him to grow into a resilient adult who knows how to trust himself and support himself through hard things. Our kids need to do hard things in order to build resilience, and every time we take that away from them by trying to fix it or make it feel better, we rob them of that lesson.

00:24:40:22 - 00:25:07:17
Lisa
And what we're really doing is, we're we're kind of rendering them helpless because now they don't know how to make themselves feel better. And what happens when one day you're not there to fix it for them? Then what? So again, it's really less about fixing our kids pain, and it's more about how we're intervening, intervening to avoid sitting in our own pain.

00:25:07:19 - 00:25:36:21
Lisa
So do not rob your children of the resiliency that they need to build in order to survive. Being a human. Because the last time I checked, nobody gets a life on this planet that is filled with rainbows and unicorns. We all face really hard moments. Some of them I've already listed, so I want to go back to a time when I really learned this concept about allowing other people to be in their discomfort.

00:25:36:23 - 00:26:04:02
Lisa
Because as somebody who cares deeply, I care deeply about the people I work with. I care deeply about my family. I always saw that caring part of me is one of my best qualities and best attributes. But what I needed to to discern was, well, what is the difference between caring versus caretaking? How can I be there for someone without, again overstepping and now robbing them of that opportunity to actually support themselves?

00:26:04:02 - 00:26:26:18
Lisa
So know that they're supported, but also know that they can support themselves, right? Again, two things can be true at the same time. We can support people while allowing them to support themselves. It doesn't have to be either or. So we don't have to be hyper independent and we don't have to be hyper needy. It gets there somewhere in the middle, right, that interdependence where we can depend on other people, but we also know we can depend on ourselves.

00:26:26:21 - 00:26:48:07
Lisa
So we were sitting I was sitting in a therapy room. This was when my partner was at rehab, and there was a box of Kleenex in the middle of the room, and it was put in the middle of the room intentionally, because we were all there to go deep into our feelings, to talk about what was going on for us, and to learn that we could allow ourselves to be supported and also support ourselves.

00:26:48:07 - 00:27:13:01
Lisa
So there was a rule around do not packs pass the Kleenex because what happens is when somebody would grab a tissue and pass it to the person who was now in their emotions, it would break their emotional state. And so often, and if you've been listening for any amount of time, you've heard me say this so often we're trying to get away from what doesn't feel good, right?

00:27:13:01 - 00:27:33:03
Lisa
This is what this whole episode is about. So it would pull them out of that state. And I'm not saying we need to to marinate in feeling shitty all the time. It's not that. But our feelings are meant to be felt. And when we allow ourselves to fully express what is there, emotion is energy in motion. It will move through your body and out of your body.

00:27:33:06 - 00:28:06:13
Lisa
But if we keep stuffing down the tears and stuffing down the anger and stuffing down the emotion, it's like putting a cyclone in a glass jar. The energy is just like you're holding it. And this is why people end up getting sick and unwell because they're holding so much energy they don't know how to process. So the whole idea of do not pass the Kleenex was about we don't need to rescue people that I can reach for my own Kleenex, because I know that I'm ready to wipe my tears and I can sit and witness you in your discomfort.

00:28:06:20 - 00:28:25:17
Lisa
And I think that that's one of the things that makes me so unique and powerful. With the coaching that I do, I can sit in other people's pain and not carry their pain. So do I feel deep compassion when people are in those moments? Absolutely. Is there a part of me that feels my heart aching for them? Absolutely.

00:28:25:19 - 00:28:49:16
Lisa
But I can sit there in their discomfort, and that is the biggest gift that I can give them to know that I'm there for them. I've got their back. I'm here to witness everything. I'm here to listen. I'm here to hold space. I'm here to ask powerful questions. And I know they're going to be okay, because I know that that pain is trying to open up doorways for them that they've never allowed themselves to open.

00:28:49:18 - 00:29:15:03
Lisa
Most of my clients have spent their lives running from their emotions, coping their way through life, whether it's through high achievement or proving or whatever it may be. There's a whole host of of, behaviors that my, my type of clients get into. So compassion isn't about rescuing. It's it's staying present with somebody. So that they can learn how to carry and be with their own emotions.

00:29:15:05 - 00:29:45:21
Lisa
So if we keep passing the Kleenex, even to our kids, they never learn that they can reach for it for themselves. So, you know, with everything my son is going through right now, as challenging as as it has been for me, you know, I've stayed regulated through it all and the moments that I have to step back, I give myself the time to be in my journal, to talk to my partner, to talk to my coaches and express how I'm feeling, to bring myself back to a regulated state.

00:29:45:21 - 00:30:06:18
Lisa
But I don't have conversations with him unless I'm fully regulated and grounded. And if I start to feel myself getting shaky, then I will step away and say, you know what, I just need a few moments to like, really, you know, come back to myself. This this is a hard conversation for me. And it's like I said, it's fair to acknowledge to our kids that I'm feeling a certain way.

00:30:06:18 - 00:30:36:09
Lisa
Not, you're making me feel this way. Or if you could just be different, then you know, I wouldn't have to do this. But really, being responsible for how I want to show up in that conversation so I can accept where he's at without necessarily agreeing with it. You know, some of the things that he's talking about, I'm like, okay, and how about can we can we also explore or at least be open to the fact that what feels true for you today may not feel true for you in a month from now?

00:30:36:11 - 00:31:04:05
Lisa
Can we also be in a place that, This is a time of wild uncertainty, and you're supposed to feel this way and that we don't necessarily have to attach to labels, but if that's something that you're wanting to explore, I give you the freedom to explore it. And here are some boundaries that we're going to establish around that, so that I can feel good and that you can feel good.

00:31:04:07 - 00:31:26:06
Lisa
And my job as a parent is to also keep you safe, to slow you down. You know, I know that his brain isn't fully developed yet, but remember when you were a teenager like you thought you had it figured out? You knew who you were? I knew who I was, I had no clue who I was. So, you know, it is important that I set boundaries not from a place of control.

00:31:26:06 - 00:32:00:12
Lisa
But this is this, you know, having conversations and also being very clear as to why that boundary is important to me. And I'm always open to renegotiation. But it's also very clear of, you know, where I'm willing to negotiate and where I'm not willing to negotiate, but because Jake feels safe to come to me and talk to me about things, because I have created that emotional safety for him, and that emotional safety for him is available because I have created emotional safety in myself.

00:32:00:14 - 00:32:22:18
Lisa
And this is what happens when you do the work to know yourself better. You become an emotionally safe person for other people, and you want to know why your kids aren't opening up to you because they don't feel safe to open up with you, and they don't feel safe to open up with you because they know that you're not really regulated and people are always reading energy.

00:32:22:18 - 00:32:52:17
Lisa
So the more you do this work, the more you know yourself, the more you work on your own triggers, your own interpretations, your own stories and behaviors and beliefs. The more you will open space for your children to be able to approach you, and for you to be able to approach your children about really challenging topics. And let me tell you, there are topics that Jake and I have gone down the rabbit hole on, that I would never talk to my parents about, because I would have completely felt like they weren't in my corner, and that they didn't understand.

00:32:52:20 - 00:33:12:16
Lisa
And that was just that was parenting back then. Back then, parenting was like, I'm the parent. I'm on the pedestal. You're the child. Do as I say, and nobody gets hurt. It wasn't a collaboration. Whereas now we need to collaborate more with our kids. They're coming to the planet way more sensitive than before, and they're asking for more of us.

00:33:12:18 - 00:33:36:19
Lisa
But instead of getting into these nuanced conversations, we're just like, oh, let me fix your feelings. And this is creating more of a this is creating more confusion and more of a problem. So my job isn't to remove Jake's discomfort. My job is to show him that he can survive it and that he will become more resilient. On the other side of it, my job is to accept him and love him unconditionally.

00:33:36:21 - 00:34:05:05
Lisa
And I did a whole episode on unconditional love. You may want to go back and listen to that. So you know what I want you to really reflect on with this episode is you know, where you might be avoiding conflict, how you might be numbing out your own emotion through your behaviors. Perhaps it's constantly over doing or proving or getting into wanting to make everybody happy by caretaking, or people pleasing.

00:34:05:07 - 00:34:32:23
Lisa
Maybe it's, you know, all the the certificates and accomplishments you need and constantly raising the bar on your achievements. There are so many things that we get into. Maybe it's the glass of wine that you have every night that you justify because it helps you wind down. Maybe it's being attached to things being black and white or right or wrong, as a way to avoid the nuances that come in.

00:34:32:23 - 00:34:54:17
Lisa
So many of the discussions that we really need to be leaning into in society, you know, I just think what would be possible if we stopped fighting with each other and we started to listen, to understand to other people's sides, because, again, it's easy to be a keyboard warrior. It's easy to have opinions about other people and the choices they've made.

00:34:54:24 - 00:35:30:02
Lisa
But when it's in your home and you are invited into these nuanced conversations, you can learn a lot about how other people see the world and that actually brings us together. We're not all meant to share the same values or want the same things, but the ability to hold these nuanced conversations. We're losing that. And if we can't have it in our own home with our own children, if everything becomes about how we get people out of their pain and discomfort, we're going to be living in a world that is 100% uncomfortable because we will not have the tools to navigate it.

00:35:30:04 - 00:35:53:19
Lisa
So instead of reacting, where can we come at everything from a regulatory place? What do you need to give yourself in order to be more grounded and regulated? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you, eating foods that are going to support you? Feeling your best? Are you living on energy drinks? Are you you know, are you eating regularly throughout the day?

00:35:53:20 - 00:36:27:09
Lisa
Are you coffee all morning? And then a giant dinner and then snacking all evening? I think I already said sleep. And what are you doing to connect with yourself? To connect with other people, not artificial connection through your Instagram feed, but actual true conversation where you're engaging with other humans in real life. And you know, for many of my conversations, they're on zoom with my with my clients and my coaching community, with a therapist, with a coach, with, you know, God, your higher power, the universe, whatever you want, however you want to think about it.

00:36:27:12 - 00:36:52:19
Lisa
And are you willing to be in your emotions? Are you willing to pay attention to what am I actually feeling today? Because all of these things create that regulation, right? How we care for ourselves allows us to become regulated. And listen, if you are, a pleaser approver, you know, a machine like you're always doing, you are already in a dysregulated state.

00:36:52:21 - 00:37:09:29
Lisa
So these behavior patterns show me that you are dysregulated because they are coping mechanisms. All of these behaviors are coping mechanisms to avoid feeling our feelings. So what's interesting is so many people are like, you know.

00:37:10:02 - 00:37:49:04
Lisa
They don't want to feel their feelings, yet they spend their entire lives trapped in their feelings. Okay. So a society that cannot sit with discomfort is never going to be able to think clearly, because we have to be willing to be to find our center in conversations that are polarizing. So we have hard seasons in life. Man, I've had so many hard seasons in life from puberty, heartbreak, divorce, death, perimenopause, menopause, loss, addiction, infidelity, like you name it, there are going to be hard seasons in your life and there's no way around these seasons.

00:37:49:06 - 00:38:09:13
Lisa
The only way to be in these seasons is to go through them, to use them, to expand you and grow you. And every time I have leaned into the discomfort that a season brings me, and some of them have literally taken me to to my knees, I have always come through on the other side, an expanded version of myself knowing myself better.

00:38:09:13 - 00:38:43:13
Lisa
So I really look at these events as opportunities and every time I'm given the gift of something happening in my life, whether it's with my kids and my partner, my business, I think like, wow, this is going to make me an even better coach, because some of the things I've navigated, the life experience that I bring to my coaching, beyond just the expertise that I have, is really profound and powerful, and not many people can sit in the discomfort, as I said, as I can sit in discomfort because I've been with my own discomfort.

00:38:43:16 - 00:39:15:23
Lisa
I've stared down the dark places of myself, my shadow side, and that's what allows me to to be able to do that with other people. So just consider in your life, where are you avoiding discomfort? Think about your relationship with your kids, how often you are really getting in there and fixing and caretaking instead of letting them be uncomfortable where you're not setting and holding boundaries for them because you feel like a bit of a meanie.

00:39:15:25 - 00:39:34:11
Lisa
Where are you not allowing yourself to just witness somebody and listen to them without feeling like you have to give them a piece of advice or a question or anything, but just saying, like, I see you and I hear you, how can I best support you right now? Instead of like, can I bake your cake? Can I take you out for dinner?

00:39:34:11 - 00:39:53:03
Lisa
Can I can I pour you a glass of wine? Can you just say to somebody, how can I support you? How can I best support you in this season? Right now? Because then you're you're handing the baton to them to tell you what it is they need. And they might say, I don't know right now, and your kids might say, I don't know right now, mom.

00:39:53:05 - 00:40:15:23
Lisa
And it's it's okay to say, that's fine, that you don't know and just know that I am here. And for most people, knowing that they are being loved and accepted in hard seasons is often what they need. That's what we need more than anything, is the love, acceptance and support of the people that we care about when we're going through hard seasons.

00:40:15:25 - 00:40:39:18
Lisa
So also consider where you're trying to numb yourself out instead of feeling. So if you're afraid of how somebody is going to interpret you or your desire to be wanted and needed, put you in this position of constantly like caretaking and fixing that is numbing out instead of being with like, what's the underlying cause? Like what's causing me to behave in this way?

00:40:39:21 - 00:41:08:26
Lisa
Why do I believe I need another certificate? Why am I working 60 hours a week? What? You know why? Why do I feel the need to prove myself in order to feel good enough? These are all questions that you get to ask yourself. Where are you passing the Kleenex? Where are you passing the Kleenex instead of just saying, like, how can I best support you so hopefully you picked out the nuance of this.

00:41:08:26 - 00:41:32:16
Lisa
It really is so important. Again, I just want to hammer home. Like being parents requires us to lead ourselves so that we can powerfully lead our children and by lead them, not control them, but stand shoulder to shoulder with them, help them learn how to trust themselves versus believing that you have the best answer for them and you know what's best for them.

00:41:32:16 - 00:41:59:27
Lisa
Because the truth is, you don't. You don't. You don't have the blueprint for their life. Just like nobody had the blueprint for yours. And if anybody tried to tell you what to do, you would probably push back hard, give your kids the same grace, trust that they will make the right decisions. And if they make shitty ones, because I know I have made shitty ones growing up, you can be the person that is there for them not to fix it.

00:41:59:29 - 00:42:25:00
Lisa
But is a safe space for them to land. That's that's what I'm calling each of you into in terms of this work, because some of you have such a hard time thinking about, like, how can I invest this in myself? It's not just about investing in you and your growth, it's about investing in the people around you and how you're showing up for them and how you get to be responsible for your role in the relationship.

00:42:25:02 - 00:42:43:22
Lisa
Instead of hoping that everybody else will just get their shit together. And then you won't have to deal with anything, that's just not life. So if this episode really stirred something in you, if you recognize yourself in any of these patterns, I want to invite you into a deeper relationship with yourself. The congruency audit isn't about becoming something new.

00:42:43:24 - 00:43:05:10
Lisa
It's about understanding how you're currently relating to your life, your emotions, your choices, and your sense of self and how you're relating to being a parent. If you are a parent. Because congruence doesn't begin when life changes, it begins when you learn how to live inside your life with clarity, honesty, and being responsible for how you're showing up.

00:43:05:12 - 00:43:32:23
Lisa
So you can you can book your congruency audit call with my team at Lisa Carpenter, aka four Slash audit. And if this episode spoke to you, let that be your next step. Because again, resilience isn't built in comfort. It's built in presence presence to your discomfort. So thank you so much for being here. And I appreciate you tuning in every week to listen.

00:43:32:23 - 00:43:54:10
Lisa
And I look forward to recording some more, solo episodes for you. So until then, take good care of you. And don't forget to check the bonus section. So Lisa Carpenter, aka Forward Slash bonus because every single episode we are going to be putting together a resource for you to go deeper on some of the concepts that I talked in the episode.

00:43:54:16 - 00:44:08:00
Lisa
So make sure you head over to Lisa Carpenter, aka Forward Slash Bonus and download your PDF and go deeper with these concepts. I look forward to catching you on the next episode.

00:44:08:02 - 00:44:34:07
Lisa
So here's what I'm going to request that you sit with. Every time you rush into fix your child's discomfort, you're teaching them that they can't trust themselves. And the irony is, the thing you're trying to avoid, which is losing connection with them, is exactly what you're going to end up creating. This pattern didn't start with parenting, and it's probably showing up in many areas of your life because you're unwilling to sit with your own discomfort.

00:44:34:09 - 00:44:59:28
Lisa
So I've created a bonus resource called the caring versus Caretaking framework. And it contains reflection prompts that are going to help you see exactly where you're passing the Kleenex in your life. And what you might really be running from when you jump in to try and rescue. So download it at Lisa Carpenter, aka forward slash bonus. And if you're realizing you don't know how to shift this pattern on your own, the congruency audit is where we start.

00:45:00:00 - 00:45:26:09
Lisa
Book your free concurrency audit at Lisa Carpenter, aka Forward Slash Audit. The people you love don't need you to fix them. They need you to show them that discomfort won't break them. But you can't teach that to them unless you understand it and know it for yourself. So thank you for being here. Enjoy your bonus and I will catch you on the next episode.